Sexual shame runs deep in our lives at a societal level. Sometimes we are conscious of it, sometimes it’s so deeply internalised that we don’t know it’s there. It’s present in “purity culture”, in the idea of virginity itself, in the Madonna/whore dichotomy, and it’s present in our own bedrooms.
Historically, it’s an interesting thing. Ancient cultures – in some ways – were more open about sex. As modern-day religion evolved, shame became increasingly linked to puritanical religious beliefs peaking, perhaps, with Victorian Values. And sadly, with colonialisation, these values also impacted on cultures around the world (see Love and Sex Around the World by Christiane Amanpour on Netflix for more on this, and A Curious History of Sex, by Kate Lister, is another great resource).
I wasn’t aware of my own shame around sex for the longest time, and there’s so much I could write about shame in general. But what I am going to do here is simply tell my own story about shame and masturbation in particular, and how I have started to unpick it.
As I said above, there are layers and layers to this: in a nutshell, the shame I felt around masturbation was passed down to me from my Mum (who also had intense shame around sex and masturbation passed down to her) and then exacerbated and embedded by society.
Add to this that masturbation wasn’t something I was taught about in my formal sex education at school. We weren’t taught about female pleasure at all. It was somehow commonly accepted that boys did masturbate, though, and we did cover male arousal, including erections and wet dreams. But sex as a teenage girl was steeped in fear – how not to get pregnant, how not to get an STI – and I left school not even knowing the correct biological terms for my genitalia.
Yet, I have spoken to my school girlfriends at length about this, and some of them certainly did not have the same level of shame around masturbating as I did. I attribute that to a few things, but mainly our upbringings.
Personally, I can trace the main source of my shame back to being around 9 years-old. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes in March 1995, just before my 11th birthday. One of the worst side effects of high blood sugar levels – especially in the months before diagnosis – can be thrush. Unbeknownst to my Mum, I had oral thrush as well as vaginal thrush for months. I had no idea why I was so itchy, but I was. I would scratch and scratch, but my Mum – not knowing how to manage this, and not knowing the reason – constantly told me off for “touching myself”. So scratching became something I did in private. It never did become masturbation, even though the momentary relief was definitely pleasurable. The main thing I learned was that “touching myself” was “bad”.
This, together with all the other pieces of the shame jigsaw, meant that I didn’t masturbate until I left home for university. I had penetrative sex at 16, years before I learned to give myself pleasure. And when I did start to masturbate I relied solely on toys. Even now, I can count the number of orgasms I’ve had using my own hands on one of them.
Now this was a very specific set of circumstances, that is unlikely to be solely responsible for my shame around masturbation, but it does seem likely that it played an integral part. What is also likely is that I would have carried shame around masturbation with or without this experience. My shame might not have been quite so obvious to me, and it might not have been quite as deep-rooted, but given the attitudes towards sex and masturbation that I grew up around, there would still have been shame.
If you have feelings of shame around masturbation, you may not have one incident that sparked it. But I’m telling my story to encourage others to explore their own.
As I said at the start of this, we are fed stories about sex and masturbation from childhood: by our parents; our wider families; the books we read; our sex education, or lack of it; the TV programs we watch; social media; and marketing (sex really does sell). Many of these reinforce stereotypes about female pleasure that just don’t seem to hold up scientifically (a few great books on this: Untrue by Wednesday Martin; Mind the Gap by Dr. Karen Gurney; and Girls and Sex by Peggy Orenstein).
Sadly, there is no magic wand where unpicking and releasing shame is concerned, but acknowledging it is definitely a first step.
I masturbate in spite of my shame, as a kind of middle finger to my shame.
I still often get anxious when I masturbate. I tend to spend little time on it, and it’s functional rather than enjoyable. I do it mainly for a physical release, and to maintain my libido, because I know that if I don’t masturbate my sexual desire overall decreases.
I’ve tried lighting candles, and “romancing” myself, and while I can absolutely see how this could be helpful, it doesn’t particularly help me.
I try not to feel additionally guilt about the fact that I struggle to pleasure myself with my fingers, and rely almost solely on toys.
I struggle to fantasise, which is another difficulty I can have. I know people who get lost in vivid sexual fantasies, but I am not one of them. My brain focuses mostly on the sensations, which can put more pressure on my orgasm, which can – in turn – mean it takes longer to have one.
I do watch porn, sometimes, but I’m also careful about which porn I watch. I only really enjoy watching porn that feels authentic, and in which female pleasure is centred (as an antidote to all the mainstream sex scenes that portray women having orgasms after 5 seconds of penetrative sex, despite the fact that over 70% of women orgasm most easily through direct clitoral stimulation.) Finding porn I really enjoy can be difficult, but it does help me reach orgasm.
I’ve had to unlearn my beliefs that masturbation in a relationship is bad or unhealthy: it isn’t. I do believe that if masturbating alone and in secret is the only sexual activity in a once-sexual long-term relationship that this might be worth exploring, but I definitely don’t think that self-pleasure is detrimental to relationships. In fact, I think it’s an important part of self-care.
In fact, I really enjoy mutual masturbation, and often wish I could channel the energy I feel when masturbating alongside a partner into my solo sessions.
And I definitely don’t buy into the: “If you can’t pleasure yourself, you can’t expect someone else to give you pleasure,” school of thought, though. I’ve learned so much about my body – and my pleasure – through partners who have prioritised me, and I am so grateful to them for this.
It’s often the things we hold the most rigid beliefs about – like our beliefs about sex and relationships – that are the things we can benefit from exploring. Those thoughts and ideas that are so much a part of us, but that we don’t really know how they got there or where they came from.
One of the most powerful psychological tools I’ve come across (pun not intended) is the “Johari Window”: the idea that there are things about ourselves that can be known or unknown to ourselves and/or others. Of course, we don’t always have control over the things we don’t know about ourselves. But that’s where the explorations around our internalised beliefs can be really powerful: they can help to bring parts of us into our known realm where we can spend time understanding them better.
So, for me, unpicking my shame around masturbation is an ongoing journey, but it is absolutely one I prioritise.
]]>Breasts are strange, strange things.
From the simple anatomy of ducts terminating at a nipple to feed offspring, to the swelling of puberty (uniquely to humans) or pregnancy where fat is laid down to form the curves we are so familiar with, what is the magic that these simple organs possess? Why does everyone love them?
Firstly, understanding our love for breasts is complex. Is it instinctive and childlike? Conditioned? Sexual? Is it even universal?
It would seem that with a few personalised exceptions, most people like breasts- this can vary from a casual interest as part of the whole aesthetic of a female body, with main attention to other areas, right up to the myopic eyes-on-stalks focus so accurately depicted in cartoons. One might expect that heterosexual women and gay men would not be attracted to breasts, but this is largely untrue. Though they may not be sexually aroused by them, for the most part they still hold an allure that is non-sexual.
Breasts, seen through the eyes of those who are not aroused by them, still have many positive connotations. They form part of the aesthetic of classical ‘femininity’ with the fashionable and gamine hourglass shape indicating youth and vitality, or indeed as the more ancient earth-mother shape body, representing fertility, comfort and abundance. These deep and ancient associations still play out today, with studies showing that wealthy men prefer smaller breasts, and those with money troubles prefer them larger.
In addition to the aesthetic, there is a primal attraction from even newborns, to home in on round soft objects that come to a point and suckle them. That is how humans and other mammals have survived up to this point. Associations we form with breasts from the earliest age are usually positive. They are of being fed, or being held, loved and warm. They speak to us of comfort, relaxation and safety. Even without sexual reference, they signal pleasure.
They are kind of fun. As a secondary sexual characteristic associated with women (though not exclusively, as their development is almost entirely due to hormones) they move around more than the rest of the torso, come in a huge array of shapes and sizes, and can be prominently displayed, or semi hidden, just below the face due to their location. Because of their only quasi-sexual nature, they may be seen as a little less intimidating than say, genitals or buttocks, to look at or touch (touching without permission is still a sex crime though.)
Having established the generally benevolent nature and history of the breast, the focus on their sexualisation is a little more complex.
Sculpture consisted entirely of male forms until 4AD. The depiction of the female form as beautiful began after that date, and the representations of the time were generally small-breasted with wide hips and a slight pear shape. If we look at Aphrodite, we see a far more achievable body goal shape for most women than we do on Instagram. Far later, in the Renaissance, we see a lot of breasts depicted, often with infants nearby. The women shown are a little heavier, but the breasts are usually still fairly modestly sized. Strangely, throughout much of history, the breast was not seen as one of the more taboo parts of a woman’s body (compared to say, the legs) and much of the clothing from times we consider to be quite sexually conservative promote and expose much or even all of the breasts.
The focus on a large bust becoming truly desirable was perhaps in the 50s with conical (and often stuffed) bras to obtain the hourglass shape that was the fashion. The first breast implant was performed in 1962, and became increasingly popular, with the top-heavy enhanced look gracing page 3 firmly from the 90s. The UK average bra size has gone from a 34B to a 36DD – this is thought to be in part down to average higher body weight, change in diet and exercise regimes, but is surely also largely in part to the popularity of implants. There are between around 7000-12000 breast augmentation operations performed each year in the UK, with many more performed overseas. Conversely, around half as many aim to go smaller.
Does the modern ideal of the ‘perfect breast’ really even exist in nature? Of the words used to describe favourite breast type in studies among heterosexual men, the top choice is ‘perky’ (showing youth and health). The top-rated breasts were the firmest (signalling youth), and slightly bigger was generally slightly better (signalling higher oestrogen and fertility). An unlikely trinity to possess, certainly. A combination requiring some skilled scalpel-work for all but a very genetically blessed teenager.
Large, round, bouncy, high, firm, pert breasts are not the norm. Breast tissue and skin just don’t behave that way. Silicone does.
Are we getting too hung up on Instagram-airbrushed images being taken as the norm, and anything else (like our real bodies) therefore being considered inadequate? A 2020 study found that only 1/3 of UK women like their own breasts, with nearly half of these saying they were too small.
In a conversation with a male friend about the magical allure of breasts today, this came back around another way. He stated that breasts were part of a woman’s body, and women’s bodies were beautiful compared to men, as men have ‘hard lines and dangly bits’. I mentioned the beauty of the male statues of Ancient Greece, and he commented that they were ‘chiselled and perfect and real men almost never look like that naked’. I queried whether he thought that most women, when naked, looked like the ones he had been referring to, which I think is a fair point. We can have hard lines and dangly bits too. In fact, we almost always do.
Breasts cannot be exercised, grown, shrunk, tightened, evened-out or reshaped in any natural way (other than perhaps pregnancy and lactation). They say nothing about your physical health, personal worth, intellect, self-control, libido, sexual preferences or promiscuity- and yet are constantly used to depict and indicate all these things. What’s worse, is women are unkind to each other about them. We always have been. The girl in your class at school who suddenly grabs the attention of the boys with her blossoming bust is a figure of envy and gossip – the late bloomer (or never bloomer) doing her best in an A cup has snide jokes made to her face that she is somehow inadequate because of it and should laugh at herself (that one would have been me). The large breasted woman is surely a slut, the flat chested girl is surely a lesbian. Why?
Firstly, with their enthusiastic consent.
Breasts do have some sexual function, for some people. There is a little irony to it though. The smaller the breast, in general, the more sensitivity and enjoyment can be had from nipple stimulation, and the more easily the nipples become aroused. For aficionados of breasts, focussing on the larger sizes may be visually stimulating to you, but playing with them will generally do very little physically for the pleasure of the recipient. Many large breasted women say they can’t feel it, or often that they don’t like it. Small breasts, on the other hand, often have highly sensitive nipples, and can be crucial to the arousal process, as part of generating orgasm or even nipplegasm alone. When you have your small breasted date therefore, don’t assume that you should just leave the bra on and focus elsewhere. Not only is it a little hurtful and insulting, it’s frustrating sexually.
I recall a conversation about breasts with a male swinger friend some years ago. He said “It’s strange. A lot of the time you see big boobs, and you just notice them and want to play with them. But then sometimes, you go out and you feel like you really want to find a girl with small breasts. I don’t think it works the other way around though. I don’t think girls ever go out for the night really hoping to find a guy with a small dick”. (He’s wrong there, but that’s a tale for another day).
Photo credit: Thanks to Charley B aka @curvaceousmistressofthemind on Instagram
]]>So a very quick bit of history, I’ve identified as trans for as long as I can remember, kept it hidden for most of the first 49 years of my life and then, in one of my more spectacular bridge burning exercises, came out properly in the summer of 2017, since then I’m Jo pretty much all the time that I can be, bearing in mind I care for an 83-year-old mum with dementia, plenty of prejudices and an unwillingness to discuss anything that doesn’t fit her very narrow view of the world.
Being transgendered is not a fad, it’s something that comes from deep inside. When I was growing up I knew I was different, but there was no one to talk to, no support, just the fear of discovery and the “joy” of bullying as I did my best to fit in, carried my secret with me and as a result was always living something of a lie.
That all began to change in 2015 when I plucked up the courage to visit someone who has now become a fabulous friend. She is someone who not only accepted and encouraged me, but gave me the confidence to be the person I felt I was inside. After years of hiding I found a safe place to be me. That was the snowball that started the avalanche.
The more comfortable and confident I grew the less I wanted to live a lie and a combination of circumstances meant that in the summer of 2017 I split from my partner of 17 years, quit the job which had quite frankly passed its sell by date, got out of Eastbourne and started the wonderful journey that has led me to where I am today.
I’m lucky, I’m surrounded by amazing friends who have helped, encouraged and supported me. I work in a business where acceptance and tolerance for less conventional lifestyles is second nature, however not everyone is as fortunate and that is why this day is important.
The discrimination is real. The constant attacks in the mainstream media, the demonisation of trans people because of the actions of a small minority is palpable. The fear propagated by certain well known commentators combined with the misinformation spread on some mainstream forums is contributing to erode the tolerance and acceptance that has been growing over the last decade or so.
There is certainly more support for transgender children than there was when I was their age, there’s more information available to help them make informed decisions, but these very improvements have given rise to some of the more unpleasant opposition that we are seeing today. Let’s be honest, if you deny something exists, or exists in such small numbers, then it’s easy to ignore, once the existence of trans people started to become mainstream and accepted it was inevitable that the voices of opposition would be raised.
I can only speak for myself and several transgendered friends, but the truth is all we want is pretty much the same as anyone wants; to be able to live our lives in peace, free from discrimination and fear and simply to be accepted as the people we feel we are. That is the true purpose of this day and hopefully the time will soon come when it is purely a celebration of diversity and acceptance rather than a day tinged with the knowledge that there is still a way to go before society completely accepts us as the people we are.
Jo Armstrong is a transgendered photographer and occasional performer working in the adult business. You can find their portfolio here
You can read Jo’s article Shedding The Guilt
A huge thank you to Jo for sharing their experience as a transgender person and why it is so important we have a Transgender Day of Visibility to celebrate diversity, raise awareness and educate everyone. As Jo says, “hopefully the time will soon come when it is purely a celebration of diversity and acceptance rather than a day tinged with the knowledge that there is still a way to go before society completely accepts us as the people we are.”
Are we actually designed for sex in groups?
The orgy. The threesome. The dream of group sex between consenting adults- why is it such a pervasive desire?
Though this might be dismissed as the ever-numbed senses of generations increasingly exposed to more and more extreme pornography, history does not bear this out.
The depictions in art of many periods and countries, from the Romans to the English renaissance, show that most cultures throughout history have, at least at one time, normalised the act of consensual group sex. Despite a predominantly surface-monogamous modern world culture (with several areas also practising regimented polygamy) there is something in us humans that has always been drawn to the act of multiple mating.
Let us examine a few features humans have evolved that indicate maybe group sex is the natural way- the way we were always supposed to be doing things:
Photo credit: Little Black Books
Why are we noisy during sex? If you think back to Neolithic times, the act could be risky- drawing predators. Women vocalise more (female copulatory vocalisation), and more loudly on average, than men. It is considered ‘hot’. The louder, the better, for many. This is not just something humans do- our closest relatives, chimps and bonobos, are the same. What purpose does this serve if not to attract other humans to the mating pile?
As attractive as this notion may sound, studies actually show that drawing others to a mating pile is not the purpose. When we examine the behaviour in chimps and bonobos more closely, vocalisations are almost always by females, and only when mating with a high status male- if the animal is mating with a lower status individual, they tend to keep quiet about it. It’s more akin to bragging- if you have sex with the movie star you are going to want to tell everyone about it – less so the one you wake up next to with a sense of shame. Why do we do this? The same reasons as our closest cousins. Mating with high status individuals implies power, status and desirability to others. It is as simple as that, and copulatory vocalisations, therefore, unfortunately do not help support the notion that group sex is the natural way for us.
The killer sperm idea was widely espoused following a study in 1996, and still holds sway with pop science culture, yet was actually debunked in 1999 for humans, and no further studies have followed this up. Here is the theory: The majority of semen produced doesn’t contain sperm with direct fertilisation capabilities- it contains ‘killer sperm’ – sperm designed to target and destroy the sperm of other males before it reaches the egg. This assertion of human reproductive adaptation indicates a long history of women having successive male partners in a very short space of time, given the window of fertility.
Though there are species, especially insects, which do have killer sperm, there is currently no evidence for this in humans. There are, however, a number of physical and behavioural adaptations we still possess which link into the theory and support a notion that group sex may be more natural for us than modern relationship ideals currently indicate.
Mate guarding is common in humans as with many other species and is seen to be stronger in men at women’s fertile times. This is known as strategic mate guarding and exists in many animals. There are resource costs to continuous mate guarding – less foraging time, the risk of injury from fighting off other males and the loss of abilities to trade one’s mate for resources from other males (this doesn’t sound very enlightened, but exists in many pair-bonding or polygamous animals and also both primitive and modern human societies). Strategic mate guarding during fertile times only reduces the investment needed by the male in securing their mate to only the times when the woman can actually produce offspring from him, while making her a more useful and lower investment resource throughout the rest of the month.
Scent masking by males after copulation is also seen in many animal species – many humans have a sense that they might be able to smell whether their partner has had sex with another man and there are demonstrated studies in other species that the semen contains a strong scent or hormone and pheromone cancelling compound that makes the female less attractive to other males after copulation.
Sperm removal is also a physical means of removing the semen of other males from the vagina- the male human penis has evolved a shape that has been shown to act like a plunger and remove most of the semen from recent matings with other males. The shape of the coronal ridge of the penis has been shown to disperse previous seminal fluid while thrusting sexually and may be part of why human matings have evolved to take much longer than other primate species. Men also thrust faster and more deeply with their partner after a period of separation from them. This is proposed to have evolved to displace the potential sperm of other males.
The rather saucy ‘cream pie’ aficionados may also consider that the oral removal of another man’s semen could have ties in evolutionary history that makes it a natural and genetically advantageous behaviour. A similar strategy is seen in the dunnock, a small bird. Before mating with the polyandrous females, the male pecks at the cloaca to remove the sperm of her previous sexual partner.
2020 studies are indicating that human eggs (ova) can choose sperm with chemical attractants- and that those chosen are not necessarily those of the primary partner.
Male humans have evolved the ability to perform sequential ejaculation- though the time to recharge varies with men, and is usually faster in younger men, the testes themselves only ejaculate a small quantity of their total sperm with each orgasm. It is the other seminal fluid, much of which comes from the prostate, that is depleted first and usually contains enough for 6 orgasms per day. Without the need to have multiple daily matings with different females, this adaptation makes little evolutionary sense. Studies show that it is more common for a man to be able to have multiple orgasms (or more rapid sequential orgasms) if he goes from woman to woman, rather than staying with one partner.
Males of many species demonstrate a behaviour known as ‘lekking’. This is where several males group together to display themselves for females and has the advantage of making them all (or most of them) more successful in being able to attract a mate. We also see this in different forms in human societies. The Wodabbe tribe in Africa has an annual fertility festival (known as the wife-stealing festival) where the men decorate themselves and perform together to be selected by the women for a night of passion. The men are selected based on a variety of criteria, but large, white eyes and teeth are among the things the women find most desirable. We also tend to find men at parties more attractive if they seem to have a group of other attractive male friends, and steer away from those who stand alone.
Generally, men orgasm faster than women. Although some men can go again with a short delay, many are finished for quite some time after a single round if they only have one female partner present. Women, however? Women can go over and over. This makes women perfectly suited to enjoy group sex far more than one-on-one heterosexual sex.
Most other apes are group living and polygamous. It is therefore likely that early humans were the same. We have pronounced secondary sexual characteristics- something we have in common with our closest ape relatives, who demonstrate promiscuous sexual or pseudo-sexual behaviour rather than fixed pair-bonding (the bonobos use sexual touching more like a hug for group bonding and reassurance than full sexual copulation, despite their reputation). Human males have a large penis to body size ratio compared to the other apes, another factor linked with non-monogamy, and the ability of women to have sex all the way through the menstrual cycle is most closely followed by bonobos, who are available 90% of the time, with the more monogamous species sexually available far less. Humans have sex naturally an average of 1000 times to make a child, the same as bonobos, and the more monogamous species, like gorillas, average around 12 times.
It indicates that, when you look at our natural biology and sexual behaviours, unfettered from moralistic overtones, shame and guilt, we lie somewhere on a spectrum of the apes. At one end, we have the less sexual, under-endowed, more monogamous species. Then, as you get to our closer relatives, you have the more sexual, more promiscuous species like bonobos. At the far end of this spectrum? That’s us. We are designed by nature to be more promiscuous than bonobos. Let’s let that sink in for a moment.
Historically, group sex or orgies tended to be tied up in ritual. In places where there are still elements of group sex considered acceptable in society, they tend to be once a year, at a celebration, and add to social cohesion of the group. We see this in modern western society too, with male-bonding acts like sportsmen sharing women after a win, having sex side by side with each other and contributing to a feeling of trust, shared conquest and equitable distribution of resources (sex and access to women are resources, in an evolutionary sense, although it doesn’t sound very feminist).
Sportsmen demonstrate a strong overlap in these behaviours with those of the bonobo- elements of male bonding, homoerotic behaviours, the link between touch and social group cohesion- and these are also widely replicated in pornography with the representation of the ‘gangbang’.
Those who enjoy or are interested in hotwifing, whether cuckold or stag, are also partially indulging in the evolved responses to group sex. Group sex has many social advantages, including demonstration of prowess, virility, sharing of resources (a safe space, abundant food, visual and pheromonal sexual stimuli). The ‘readers’ wives’ pages of old magazines are enjoyed by those who promote the sexuality of their partner, demonstrating their own status and ability to acquire an attractive or high-status female. Men who can acquire such females show they are not only good at obtaining other resources with which to support their partner (hence status) but that they possess the resource of the female herself- always a tradable commodity if one falls on hard times. Though ‘cuckqueens’ do exist (women who enjoy seeing their male partner with another woman) they are rarer – there is no ancient evolutionary advantage to them to do so in the same way as men, and hence no selective pressure for it to become as widespread.
There are many reasons. It seems ‘hotter’. Indeed, given the multiplication of visual and sexual stimuli, it certainly is. Men tend to be more aroused by an aspect of competing for access to females, meaning that the group sex dynamic can trigger a primal enjoyment. Women tend to be more safety focussed (for obvious evolutionary reasons) so creating a group sex dynamic in which the female partner feels safe with all those involved (a serotonin/oxytocin social bond) is often more important than it is for the men (who respond more to the adrenaline/dopamine rush of the situation).
Group sex can be more risky- there is a greater chance of contracting a disease, sexual or otherwise, from close contact with more sexual partners, greater risk of being injured by them and greater risk of affecting the social dynamic between the different parties- yet from a very primal perspective it is also safer- more eyes and ears in the group reduces the risk of being attacked by a predator while distracted, is usually closely tied to sharing of other resources (shelter, food) and it is no coincidence that sex parties and group sex in modern life are often still associated with feasting, luxury and other sensory enjoyments. It is far more resource-effective to have a party in a nice place and share a hot tub and catering than it is for each couple to arrange their own resources for separate sexual liaisons.
Group sex helps to build trust between the participating parties and build social solidarity, engender a sense of safety and create the opportunity (historically) for a rapid spread of one’s genes by the male. Women too, benefit from the opportunity genetically. Not only do they have the ability to access genetic variety for their offspring from the other males without interrupting the resource provision given by their primary male, it helps to confuse issues of possible paternity, making it less likely that one of the other males might later kill her offspring. We’d like to think this doesn’t happen in humans any more, but the actual ratios of who is most likely to commit infanticide does not bear this out. In lions, we also see the females use a similar strategy- when they are fertile they will deliberately mate with all the males, to prevent them from killing their offspring as there is a reasonable chance that any male might be the father. If a new male comes in, he will deliberately kill the offspring to make them fertile again and invest their resources into his own offspring. It isn’t nice- but evolution rarely is.
From a more modern, emotional and intellectual perspective, group sex helps to make it easier to separate the sexual act from an implication of intimacy (historically implying an expectation of resource investment). This dissociation of emotional and commitment expectations helps to keep the sex just about sex for many people, lessening feelings of potential obligation, confusion or future guilt.
Arranging group sex is not all that difficult- here is a very basic guide:
Ultimately, group sex is a fun, exciting and completely natural way for human beings to enjoy their sexuality. Though it comes with certain taboos and considerations, there is no reason that well-planned sexual adventures like the orgy need to be discarded from one’s sexual repertoire. There is plenty to learn, from the geometry of appropriate play to the preferred styles and stimuli of others, to the boundaries and rules that need to be established. If your first group sex attempt is not the miracle you imagined, there is no need to despair. Sexuality and sexual prowess are lifelong learning curves, and group sex has long held a rightful place in the fabric of our history, society and personal connections.
]]>Sex and type 1 diabetes (t1d) are not often spoken about together, although I really think they should be. As someone who was diagnosed with t1d just as I was hitting puberty, it has been something that I’ve had to manage my whole sexually active life.
Sadly, the lack of conversation around it has definitely impacted my sex life and here I am going to share my personal reflections – not everyone with diabetes might feel the same.
And, the great news is, that by opening up discussions about sex and diabetes, I’ve learned a lot about how diabetes has affected me and, with a little bit of openness, there are some things people with diabetes can do to manage the whole situation better!
Here, I am going to write about:
When people talk about “diabetes” they are often (sometimes unknowingly) referring to type 2 diabetes. This is a common misconception, perpetuated by the media who also often lump the two conditions together. While they do have similarities (namely that they’re both to do with insulin) they are actually very different and it’s worth understanding the distinctions.
Type 1 diabetes, also previously known as juvenile onset diabetes and insulin-dependent diabetes, occurs when a person’s pancreas – the organ that produces insulin – stops working and doesn’t produce any insulin at all.
Insulin is the hormone that regulates the amount of sugar in the blood. The food we eat is broken down into glucose, which is absorbed into the bloodstream. Insulin allows the glucose to be used as energy by the cells in our organs and muscles and the body regulates the amount of glucose that’s left in the blood, keeping it between around 4.0 and 7.0 mMol/ L. Without insulin, the glucose remains in the blood and can be extremely harmful if left there (more on that later)
So, people with type 1 diabetes need to take insulin. Unfortunately insulin can’t be taken in tablet form as it is a protein and would be digested. Instead, it is injected (using a syringe, or an insulin pen) or delivered via a cannula connected to an insulin pump.
Type 1 diabetes is thought to be genetic, and is most commonly diagnosed before middle age. It is not reversible, although there are lifestyle changes that can make it easier or more difficult to manage.
Type 2 diabetes occurs for a number of different reasons. It is often because the cells that produce insulin (the Islets of Langerhan) in the pancreas are no longer able to produce enough insulin. This could be due to old age (and the cells literally wearing out), which is often genetic, or due to obesity (in which case the body can’t produce enough insulin to keep the amount of sugar in the blood within the safe range). It can also occur due to insulin resistance, when the body is no longer receptive to insulin.
The number of younger people being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes due to obesity is increasing.
Type 2 diabetes is managed with a combination of medication, diet and sometimes insulin. For many people, type 2 diabetes is reversible with lifestyle changes.
I was diagnosed on March 6th, 1995, a date that is etched on my brain. The symptoms – commonly known as the 4T’s: thirst, tiredness, thin and toilet – had been getting progressively more obvious for the few months prior, but it’s likely they’d started over a year before.
I was tired all the time despite eating all the time; I gave up ballet and swimming, both of which I loved. I was losing weight, again despite eating all the time. I was constantly thirsty, but drinking led to loo trips that caused suspicion from teachers, so I stopped drinking at school. I was taken to the doctor, and my mum was told I was likely run down, so she gave me Lucozade, which escalated things somewhat.
By March 5th, aged 10 years and 11 months, I weighed 4 stone. The next morning, I weighed 3 ½. And it was at this point that I was hospitalised with a blood glucose level of 44.4 mMol/ L.
Diabetes then became a way of life: I test my blood sugar multiple times a day, I take insulin using an insulin pump and marvel every day at the fact I’m alive to tell the tale and, of course, there are many tales I could tell.
But I’m here to talk about diabetes and sex.
Type 1 diabetes is always there; it isn’t something I can really switch off from and that stands even when I’m having sex.
Sex is exercise, in that it uses energy, even if I’m not doing “the work”. Exercise is one of the things that can cause my blood sugars to drop (when blood sugars fall below 3.9 mMol/L it is called hypoglycaemia).
Interestingly, the most common symptoms that I experience when I’m having a “hypo” are: feeling shaky, sweaty, and blurry eyesight. And… these are annoyingly similar to feelings I have when I’m having sex in general: feelings associated with sexual pleasure can sometimes be confused with those of a hypo.
Therefore, it can take me a while to notice when my blood sugars feel low. Sometimes, if I’m especially sweaty, a partner might even notice before I do. If I do have a hypo during sex, it means pressing pause. I normally keep a sugar source close to my bed, but I’ve also had to send my poor partners downstairs to the fridge in a shared house, barely clothed and mid-sex, more times than I would like to admit…
The opposite of hypoglycaemia is hyperglycaemia: when there is too much sugar in my system. Frustratingly, exercise doesn’t always lower blood sugar levels, sometimes it raises it. Hyperglycaemia is less urgent than hypoglycaemia, and I often don’t notice until after sex.
Sometimes I will detach my insulin pump during sex (perfectly acceptable for an hour or so), but if I forget to reattach I can find myself in trouble. Insulin brings my blood sugars down, but it takes an hour or two to take effect. And it can make me feel truly grotty if my blood sugars reach the high teens/ twenties: lethargic, thirsty, needing multiple wee trips, and grumpy as anything. Not exactly post-coital bliss.
High blood sugar can also affect the ability to orgasm. I can find it harder to have an orgasm if my blood sugars are out of range. I’m not sure what the science is here for a vulva owner – perhaps it’s to do with nerve endings – but there is definitely a correlation.
People with a penis can suffer from erectile dysfunction, due to both diabetes itself and diabetes medication. This is discussed in more detail in our Sex and diabetes article
Generally I love my insulin pump as it means better diabetic control, but there’s the physical aspect of it that can get a little frustrating. It’s an electronic box (think: pager), which delivers insulin through a tube that is connected to a cannula in my stomach. It doesn’t hurt, but even at the best of times it can be a bit cumbersome and affects the clothes I wear (I usually keep it hooked onto my bra, or in a belt around my waist). When I’m naked, or wearing nice lingerie, working out where to put my pump can be annoying to say the least. I can disconnect from it for an hour or so, but the problem then is remembering to reconnect in my post-coital haze.
Often, in the summer or if I am planning a weekend of fun, I will revert back to MDI (Multiple Daily Injections) just so I don’t have to worry about my pump. It’s never too long before I switch back to my pump, though, as the mental load is a lot lighter, even if the physical one isn’t.
I’ve written already about my experiences with recurrent thrush, so I won’t go into too much detail here, but the yeast that causes thrush thrives on sugar. Diabetes – especially if it isn’t well controlled – can lead to passing sugary urine, as well as higher levels of sugar in sweat and saliva, and this can cause thrush.
There are certain things I do to reduce the risk of recurring thrush: try and avoid hyperglycaemia; use lubes that don’t contain glycerin; clean my sex toys after each use; and use non-scented shower gels.
Treating it quickly also helps, but when I get recurrent thrush I often have to take multiple doses of the treatment in order to shift it. It isn’t pleasant and, of course, having thrush makes partnered sex uncomfortable at best and impossible at worst.
As much as I hate to talk about them, diabetic complications are a very real possibility for people with diabetes. With regard to sex specifically, nerve damage can affect someone’s ability to orgasm and can impact on dexterity when using toys.
Vaginal dryness can also be a side effect of diabetes and this can also impact on sex. A good lube is essential!
For me, the mental health implications of having an invisible chronic condition like type 1 diabetes are huge. Depression and anxiety have been a part of my life since I was thirteen and both of these can negatively affect my libido. Frustratingly, orgasms are great for mental health, so having regular sex or masturbating are both really positive things to do, but just as much as it can be a positive feedback loop, low desire can also be exacerbated by a lack of orgasms.
I so rarely see people with diabetes represented in media and, when they are, they are often so badly researched that they might as well not be there (I remember Dani in “Neighbours” back in the 90’s drinking a bottle of juice and then having symptoms of a “hypo”). It’s frustrating and can exacerbate the loneliness.
As someone with type 1 diabetes, food becomes medicine. I have to eat when I’m not hungry and I was taught to restrict myself when I was. Needless to say, my relationship with both food and my body became even more complicated than it would have otherwise been. I would still class my eating habits as “disordered”, and my body image is also affected by the way I feel about my body: that it’s let me down.
Sex has actually been a way of me reclaiming my body, but a little more on that a bit later.
Perhaps the biggest challenge for me has been the impacts of diabetes, depression and anxiety on my ability to make and maintain long-term relationships. Again, not everyone with type 1 diabetes will feel this way, but knowing it’s a possibility is helpful, especially if anyone you know is diagnosed.
I was diagnosed before therapy was really normalised and expected to just “get on with it”. A diagnosis that turned my life upside down is no small thing, especially when it isn’t something that can be cured: every single day of my life was different, not only from how my own life used to be, but from those of the people around me. As this realisation dawned on me, I employed increasingly unhealthy coping strategies that embedded themselves deeply. It was – and still can be – incredibly lonely.
I also worry a lot about my future, which makes it difficult for me to invest in long-term relationships. Ongoing therapy has really helped me manage my feelings, but I still struggle to maintain romantic relationships and this, of course impacts on my sex life. In some ways, it’s perhaps made me more adventurous sexually, and I am grateful for this, but it’s also limited my ability for intimacy due to fear.
Both the mental load, and the effects of blood sugars that don’t always fall within the healthy range, mean I am often tired. I have no yardstick to measure my tiredness against, whether it’s “normal” tiredness, or “diabetic” tiredness, so being tired is just something I am. Often.
In turn, it’s hard for people to understand how much of my brain power is used up by diabetes on any given day, especially when I try so hard not to let it impact my daily life.
One very positive effect that having type 1 diabetes has had on my sex life is that it’s led me to be more sexually adventurous than I likely would have been without it. Quite honestly, sex is one of the few times I feel fully connected with my body and am able to switch my brain off.
While many of the impacts of type 1 diabetes on sex that I’ve mentioned are overwhelmingly negative, the most important thing to remember is that none of them are certain. In fact, most of them are mostly, if not completely, avoidable.
The thing that I – and many people with diabetes – lack is open conversations about sex with a healthcare team.
According to Diabetes UK, “getting time and support with any sexual problems is one of your essential diabetes checks”, but it is also not amongst the various essential checks (eyes, feet, blood pressure, urine, etc. etc.) that they list on their site.
Regardless, it absolutely should be. For me, it wasn’t something I ever thought to bring up with my team, and why should I? There’s always enough to talk about at appointments. The only context anyone has ever spoken to me about sex is with regard to planning a pregnancy.
I strongly believe that it shouldn’t be the patient’s responsibility to bring up a topic so big, yet many healthcare professionals don’t – or won’t – talk freely about sex.
By talking about sex, we bring all of these potential problems out of the shadows. By talking about them, we start to understand them and we learn how to manage or even fix them. Having these conversations with a healthcare professional also opens up the means to have them with intimate partners – something I learned far too late. Diabetes adds a layer of complexity to sex and sexuality and should absolutely be discussed as part of ongoing sex education. People with diabetes shouldn’t have to discover all these possible issues by living them, they should be educated about them and understand the many ways to address them.
]]>Roll forward to the 2016 Health Check and again my PSA came back raised. The GP had changed and so had the advice; “You must see a urologist. Immediately.”
The urologist gave me a rectal examination. He quietly said, “You need an MRI scan. Urgently.”
The scan detected a potential tumour and a Biopsy was required. Quickly.
Wednesday 22nd June, a week after the Biopsy, my wife and I sat down in front of the Urologist, and he simply said, “It is cancer”.
It took a few minutes for me to take in what had been said. I then interrupted the conversation my wife had leapt into, noticing I was clearly disorientated. “Is it terminal?”
“I don’t think so. However, you need a full-body scan to determine if the cancer has spread to your bones”, which was not quite the answer I was seeking!
24 hours after the full-body scan, the Urologist met my wife and I to inform us, “At last, some good news! The tumour is still contained in the prostate; it is curable!”
Relief. I am not going to die. Well, not yet, any way.
Stage 3, aggressive prostate cancer, to be treated through a 3-hour operation; a prostatectomy, or a 3-year programme of hormone treatment and 7 ½ weeks of Radiotherapy, was the prognosis. So; decision time. Both have 70% success rate. Both have life changing side effects.
Broadly, the surgeon explained my operation would lead to a period of incontinence and having to live with erectile dysfunction. This would entail a two-year recovery period leading to a “Viagra assisted erection” that would be in the region of sixty per cent of what I currently enjoy. Choosing the Hormone treatment / radiotherapy has an extremely detrimental effect on the functioning of both the bladder and bowel, which can be permanent. Plus, loss of muscle definition, major reduction or total loss of sex-drive and hot-sweats.
Neither choice leaves a man, or his partner, eagerly anticipating commencement of treatment.
But at least I had a choice, if diagnosed Stage 4; the cancer has metastasized and spread to the bones and major organs, it would have been just Radiotherapy / hormone treatment, and the cancer is not curable. Basically, you live the rest of your life undergoing some form of treatment. Oh, and only 30% of men with Stage 4 prostate cancer (PCa) live beyond 5 years from diagnosis.
Yep, I was lucky. The Dark Destroyer had yet to advance from my prostate and commence his deadly tirade throughout my unsuspecting body.
My wife and I agonised over the decision, which had to be made swiftly, as we were advised the potential for the tumour to break out of the prostate was a distinct possibility. So, we chose the operation. Potentially a ‘quick-fix’ and thus avoiding 3 years of “chemical castration” as my wife referred to the Radiotherapy / Hormone option.
Three years on, and thank the heavens currently the cancer is still undetectable. However, life has been somewhat “challenging”. My wife and I knew Erectile Dysfunction was going to be a problem, but not the extent and complexity of that problem.
I can no longer produce semen, just a bodily fluid cocktail, that is predominately urine. Masturbation and Fellatio produce this cocktail, and in quite copious quantities, before orgasm. Ejaculation is far, far more difficult and results in a sensation that is a lot deeper seated than before the operation.
Attaining and maintaining an erection is still incredibly frustrating. This is after utterly hours dedicated to pelvic floor exercises and masturbation to restore the muscles and excite the nerves vital to the erection process, plus a daily 5mg dose of Viagra, along with another 100 mg before attempting intercourse. All this and a wife who is patient, sensitive and forgiving.
My wife’s love, affection and commitment to help us enjoy penetrative sex; without having to plan the use of the 100mg dose of Viagra taken 60 minutes “before play can commence”, is amazing.
Currently, when we are both deeply aroused, and we have enjoyed highly erotic foreplay, an erection strong enough for me to both insert it into my wife and maintain rhythmic thrusting is possible. Such lovemaking is quite short-lived, but the joy it brings us both is deeply satisfying. Possibly on occasion my erections are greater than the sixty per cent we were told to expect before the operation.
As the desire to ‘cum’ is immensely strong, yet not possible whilst enjoying penetrative sex, my wife and I complete our lovemaking by hugging as I masturbate to attain a deep and highly frenzied ejaculation.
To fully realise my potential for a stiff, solid and enduring erection, it may yet come to the dreaded injection of Prostaglandin E1, also known as alprostadil, into the wall of my penis to help “Right-the-ship” so to speak. Understandably, I am avoiding this medical procedure that my surgeon explained can cause not only severe headaches, but if ‘overdosed’, dangerously long periods of erection are endured and in no way enjoyed. 4 hours is quite common.
I am delighted to say in the last month I have, at last, regained my continence; major social challenge overcome! A tense, fraught, volatile incident at Barcelona Airport Passport Control, when I was ready to burst and in utter dire need of a ‘Loo’ to save incredible embarrassment for me, my wife and hundreds of passengers, is an awful memory I shall never forget. Nor will the police, staff and the hundreds of passengers present that fateful day at Barcelona Airport Passport Control.
Probably the worst experience has been the resulting mental health issues. Regaining physical strength and attaining PSA blood test results that indicate the cancer has been completely removed during the operation is obviously of paramount importance and to be celebrated with vigour!
However, the loathsome challenges of retaining full continence and overcoming erectile dysfunction as described above, took their toll, for both myself and my long-suffering wife. In a nutshell, for long, arduous periods over the past three years, I have not been ‘good company’. Short-tempered, temperamental and often utterly obnoxious was the result of feeling totally inadequate with the loss of my male potency; even though I was ‘Gagging’ to make wild passionate love with my darling wife, and constantly concerned I was in reach of a ‘Loo’ at any given time.
The worst of this period was the violent arguments with my poor wife. One horrendous incident was so abusive, aggressive and disruptive that a person from the onlooking public quite correctly called the police, fearing that my wife would be physically assaulted by her crazed, maniac husband.
Yes, my work was affected. Now, although I appeared a happy, positive ‘Chappie’ whilst at work, I would be surreptitiously sending spiteful texts and making venomous mobile calls to my wife. Fortunately, my line Director; who had been through this journey with me, from diagnosis to near mental breakdown and was my one and only highly trusted confidante throughout, was a tower of strength. His camaraderie and mentoring always was exemplary. A masterclass, in fact, of managing people who are undergoing unrelenting mental health issues.
Since the beginning of this year, my madness; which for a period did cause my wife to become quite deranged too, has subsided. A calmer, more sanguine person has emerged from the car crash of life that all too often is a direct result of a man being diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer.
My lifestyle is far more balanced; my family get to see me now! I exercise five times a week for no less than 30 minutes, and my eating and drinking is focused on maintaining a healthy body and clarity of thought.
I am undoubtedly more resilient than ever and seek every opportunity to share my hard-earned experiential learning with other men; and women, determined to help others be even luckier than I have been. You see, prostate cancer is not easy to detect. Unfortunately, in most cases, symptoms only become apparent when the tumour has become incurable.
Lobbying for a screening programme is now one of my key objectives in life
Most of all, I revel in the fact I have been permitted to enjoy another trip around the Fun-Fair of life; the most precious gift a person could ever be bequeathed.
Especially a person who looks set to beat the predicted sixty per cent of his pre-operation erectile strength.
Elvin K. Box
Commencing his career as an apprentice carpenter and joiner, Elvin is now a Chartered Builder who holds an MBA from the Open University Business School (OUBS). An acclaimed international speaker and writer, Elvin’s engaging and inspirational approach to his work has brought him personnel invitations to perform for the likes of Oxford University and the International Criminal Court in The Hague.
Referred to as inspirational, motivational & highly engaging, Elvin’s unique storyteller communication style has come to prominence through his voluntary work as a Community Ambassador for the Movember Foundation. A survivor of prostate cancer; he was diagnosed in June 2016; he is a passionate advocate of improving the ‘Quality of Life’ for its victims. Hence, Elvin undertakes numerous high-profile media assignments and corporate speaking events for the Movember Foundation.
You can donate on Elvin’s Movember page here
The proud son of a Nurse, unsurprisingly, Elvin is pragmatic and totally candid when explaining his experience of a cancer that is infamous for wreaking havoc with a victim’s sexual health and pleasure. This article is probably his most revealing to date.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Elvin for sharing his very honest and revealing experience of regaining his sexual function and enjoying sexual intimacy and pleasure with his fabulous wife, Jude. I contacted Elvin on Twitter after reading his wonderful article in the Telegraph in November 2018 where he talked about the impact having prostate cancer has had upon his physical, mental and sexual wellbeing and his relationship.
At Jo Divine we frequently advise men, and their partners, who have had prostate cancer, struggling to regain their sexual function to enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure yet have been little or advice about how they can regain their sex life which is why it has been so good to meet Elvin.
We have never met a man who is willing to be so honest about their sexual experience of prostate cancer, yet Elvin has done this through a wide range of media platforms to raise awareness and educate not just men but their partners and healthcare professionals. He has helped and continues to help so many people, and I am so grateful we connected via Twitter and finally got to meet face to face earlier this year, one of the good aspects of social media within the world of cancer care and support.
I really hope those of you going through prostate cancer treatment, are post treatment or living with prostate cancer will find this article helps you to talk about this intimate and often embarrassing topic with your partner, encourages you to seek medical advice and discover new ways to be intimate and enjoy sex with your partner or a new partner in the future.
My professional goal is to ensure that all healthcare professionals are educated to help them to discuss the sexual impact of cancer upon sexual function, intimacy, pleasure and relationships and offer simple practical advice, not leave people struggling to enjoy sex once treatment has ended. Talking about sex should be a compulsory part of all cancer treatment.
Knowing that you are not alone is so important, so please do not struggle or give up on your sexual relationships, help and support is available.
Prostate UK have created leaflets for people who are LGBTQ+and have a dedicated group on their online forum for Gay, bisexual, MSM (men who have sex with men).
One of the positive benefits of Twitter is that I have been able to connect with some remarkable, inspirational people across the world, including those who have had cancer. Gogs Gagnon asked if I would read his book about his experience of Prostate cancer, the honest and intimate impact it has had upon his physical and mental wellbeing and relationship with his lovely wife, explaining his treatment in layman terms that people can understand and how one size doesn’t fit all, choosing the right treatment for you is so important. I always enjoy books written by patient experts, and this was no exception. As a former nurse, I strongly believe the patient expert is the way forward in educating and informing other patients and healthcare professionals.
“Prostate Cancer Strikes: Navigating the Storm by Gogs Gagnon”, Granville Island Publishing Ltd
Movember UK : uk.movember.com
Prostate Cancer UK : https://prostatecanceruk.org/
Macmillan : https://www.macmillan.org.uk/
Orchid : https://orchid-cancer.org.uk/
Tackle Prostate Cancer : https://www.tackleprostate.org/
Chris’ Cancer Community : https://www.chris-cancercommunity.com/
College of Relationship and Sexual Therapists : https://www.cosrt.org.uk/
“Pelvic physiotherapists”: https://pelvicphysiotherapy.com/list-of-therapists/
British Association of Urological Surgeons : https://www.baus.org.uk/
British Association of Urology Nurses : http://www.baun.co.uk/
The Walnut Group : http://thewalnutgroup.co.uk
The journey I have found myself on over the past few years has got me thinking a lot about the difference between being promiscuous — with all the negative connotations that go along with that label — versus being sexually empowered.
With the popular social narrative still stuck in Victorian values, sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether taking sexy selfies or having sex with multiple partners is truly liberating or unhealthy. Furthermore, from a wider social lens, is it empowering, or just another way to perpetuate the heteronormative ideal that womxn’s sexuality centres around men. Because the negative connotations of promiscuity nearly always only apply to womxn.
There are two important points there: personal agency, and the reasons we make the decisions we do.
The dictionary definition of promiscuity is defined as: “A lack of discrimination when it comes to sexuality or having casual sex.”
There are no issues here. Having sex indiscriminately is surely an unhealthy behaviour.
However, the problem for me comes in the example sentence they then offer: “Having sexual relations with five different women in one week is an example of promiscuity.”
My problem with this is that promiscuity isn’t actually quantitative. The number of people you choose to sleep with has no bearing on your sense of worth, and isn’t inherently negative. Going by this example, having drunken sex with four strangers, without protection, would be ok, yet having sex with five people you see regularly, while taking precautions, would not be.
Promiscuity (rather than sexual empowerment) is often unhealthy. It can be linked to low self esteem, as a way to seek external validation, and it can be an unhealthy coping mechanism when we feel low.
From experience, promiscuity — having sex indiscriminately, regardless of the number of people — is often closely linked to low mood or alcohol/ drugs and has led to putting myself in some truly tricky (and sometimes dangerous) situations. For a start, sexual health was not my priority and promiscuous behaviour for me often meant sex without protection. In a number of different ways, promiscuity has been a form of self harm.
It is also worth noting that promiscuity is also cited as a symptom of mania in bipolar disorder. While the word “bipolar” seems to be used fairly commonly now to describe ups and downs, bipolar disorder only actually affects 1-2% of the population so should not be used to excuse or explain promiscuous behaviour without a diagnosis.
What, then, is sexual freedom?
In direct opposition with the above, I would say that sexual empowerment is simply a level of discernment where your sexual choices are concerned. The ability to be discerning is rooted in healthy decisions: knowing your boundaries and being able to communicate them; not being intoxicated; not confusing liberation with availability; and knowing your motivations for your behaviour. Self knowledge is vital for sexual empowerment.
But even self-knowledge can be a challenge when presented with the wider backdrop of what is, in reality, a prudish culture. One that whispers about sex, that promotes monogamy and marriage as the ideal relationship models, and that too often turns discussions about female pleasure into pornography. So what if you’re a womxn that enjoys sex? Who isn’t in a long-term monogamous relationship and perhaps doesn’t want to be? Sometimes it can be hard to truly know what YOU think, vs what tradition makes you feel.
According to a 2009 paper from Indiana University, “sexual empowerment might best be conceptualized as a continuous and multidimensional construct.” Zoe Peterson argues that sexual empowerment is best thought of as subjective: though this may mean that womxn can “confuse feelings of agency with cultural and institutional power”, ultimately, thinking of empowerment as subjective validates their personal experiences and perceptions.
In short: if you feel sexually empowered, you are.
Only YOU know whether your sexual behaviour is empowering or not but it’s challenging and complex, and sometimes there are grey areas.
While I would absolutely class my sexual behaviour as healthy and empowered, I know I also make mistakes; I misjudge situations and sometimes find myself questioning my motivations. The thing is, on any journey of self discovery that involves other people or unknown variables, we are not going to get everything right the first time. There is a certain level of resilience that’s required, and an analysis of risk and reward.
People have a “risk profile” — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks — and knowing this about ourselves can be very useful. Sexually, I can be a risk-taker, I often throw myself into things with a “Yes Man” mentality; my personal motto is, “Try everything twice.” But in a sexual setting, feeling empowered or not, this can be risky.
While taking risks can absolutely be a part of having fun, risks are only really fun if safety is actually your priority (and the priority of your partners). Otherwise the feelings on the other side are more trouble than they’re worth: fear, shame, guilt and panic for starters. Waking up the morning after with a sense of regret is something I work hard to avoid.
So promiscuity versus sexual freedom? I would argue that promiscuity is nothing to do with the number of people you choose to share your body with in any given week, and far more to do with the motivation and associated risk of your decisions. Be aware, be conscious in your decisions, wake up revelling in the delicious encounter you had, because you did it deliberately and you know you were safe.
Sleep with zero people in a decade, sleep with 10 in a week, but whatever you do, do it from a place of self knowledge and thoroughly assess the risks and your motivations.
And now I’m off to listen to Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous” and dance around my room.
]]>Consent really shouldn’t be a difficult thing for us to get our heads around but sadly, given the society we live in, it seems to be more of a headache than it needs to be. The problem is, on an almost daily basis many of us are so used to “no” not really meaning no and we’re used to being convinced that we want something when we’re not sure we really do (marketing anyone?) For most of us, our sex and relationship education didn’t even touch on consent. Add to this the layers of confusing cultural messages around sexual behaviour — women being expected to be both provocative and innocent, men allowed to be “players” and expected to be up for anything — and things get even more complicated. So it’s no wonder we can get confused when we are applying this to sex.
But, starting honest and open discussions about sexual consent is a great place to begin, especially when in essence consent really is as simple as saying an enthusiastic “yes” or a confident “no”.
The best education models are now starting to include consent in school PSHE lessons (or equivalent) from an early age – teaching children bodily autonomy before it becomes anything even closely relating to sexual behaviour. This is important: a child that feels confident saying “no” if someone is invading their space in the playground grows up to be an adult that is able to apply this understanding to their sexuality.
When it comes to sex, in order to communicate a “yes” or a “no” we first have to know what we like and dislike. Not everything, of course, but it’s good to have an idea. This can and will change over time, and it can be surprising when it does, but it’s important to key into our own preferences. When I started out on my journey as a submissive, my first Dom really helped me with this. Early on, he asked me what my hard and soft limits were and I had no idea. So he gave me a list and told me to work my way through them, labelling each either as a “yes”, a “perhaps” (a soft limit) or a definitive “no” (a hard limit). So I made a spreadsheet (yes, really?) and it was eye opening.
Having someone guide me through my own process really helped me to become aware of the two-way nature of consent too. It is widely assumed that men are always a “yes” but I’ve slowly learned to ask the questions too. Do partners want to see a picture of my butt before bed? One might be a sweeping yes (“Send me naughty pictures whenever you like!”) but another might be less open (during lockdown, a partner explicitly asked me not to send him any naughty pictures and to keep my sharing of pictures solely to my gardening). It’s my job to respect this.
Two great acronyms are “BAE” and FRIES”.
Perils of Patriarchy (@perilsofpatriarchy) say that “Consent is Bae” — Before All Else — and I think this sums it up perfectly. Before you do anything sexual with a new partner, especially if there is any kink or BDSM involved, you should always talk about what your likes and dislikes are, if possible before, but definitely during and after the sex. How? We’ll talk about that a bit later.
Planned Parenthood uses Fries:
F – freely given (consent should be given without pressure and in the absence of drugs or alcohol)
R- reversible (anyone can change their mind at any time, even if consent has been previously given)
I – informed (the boundaries of consent should be honoured by all parties)
E – enthusiastic (YES! Not maybe)
S – specific (the boundaries of consent should be clearly understood by all parties)
Consent is also likened to a number of foodstuffs, like tea and pizza. Imagine someone arrives at your door, and you offer them tea, and they say no. Do you force or convince them to have tea? No. You accept their decision not to have tea. Alternatively, discussions around consent can be compared to ordering pizza: you know which toppings you like and which ones you don’t and you ask accordingly. Despite the emotional and social implications of sex it really is no different.
Sex is also most fun for everyone when everyone involved is consenting and — therefore — enjoying it. There seems to be an opinion that consent culture takes the fun out of sex… but if that’s the case, the question has to be asked… is everyone enjoying it? Because if asking for consent from a partner is scary, then perhaps you know that the answer wouldn’t be an “enthusiastic yes”?
While it isn’t always possible, discussing sex before you have it with a new partner is a great way to get to know one another and can build tension; asking for consent before sex with a regular partner is a simply a way to get in the mood. And, if you’ve been swept up without a chance to have a full on conversation beforehand (it happens!) then asking for it in the throes of passion is just dirty talk. Everything doesn’t have to stop… questions can be whispered or growled into your partner’s ear. Questions like:
“May I…?”
“Would you like it if…?”
“Do you like that?”
“What would you like next?”
“How does that feel?”
“Would you like to try…?”
“Does… turn you on?”
“Have you ever fantasised about…?”
Agreeing to use traffic lights (red for stop, amber for slow down, and green for go) can work brilliantly and having a safeword — applicable to any situation, not just BDSM — is also a great way to communicate consent too.
But… the thing with consent is that it’s constantly shifting. A yes (or a no) to something in one moment isn’t necessarily a yes (or a no) to the same thing on a different day. I’ve since revisited my spreadsheet multiple times and it amazes me all the time how much things change.
So many things affect an individual’s desire on any given day and it’s important to be open to this: both to changing our own minds and allowing our partners to do the same. I may usually enjoy giving or receiving oral sex, but I may not be in the mood in a particular moment; I reserve the right to say no.
The biggest hurdles for consent are without a doubt alcohol and drugs. Our inhibitions are lowered, our ability to say “no” is impaired; I for one have overstepped my own boundaries numerous times when under the influence and it’s never a nice feeling. On a very base level, alcohol not only makes it harder for us to communicate our consent, but it also makes it harder for someone else to pick up on non-verbal cues. Alcohol also makes it difficult to know or prove if something really was consensual or not.
Recently, after a particularly drunken date, I found myself in a state where I was quite literally unable to say, “No.” Not because I was too drunk to know I wanted to say it, but because the person I was with, combined with the alcohol, reminded me of a past relationship so much that my brain was triggered into a place in which I was emotionally paralysed. Needless to say this was not a pleasant situation and one I would like very much to avoid in future. The interesting thing was that even though I felt sure I was giving off negative nonverbal cues, he was completely oblivious to them. If alcohol hadn’t been involved it could have been a very different experience.
No one owes anyone anything when it comes to sex. Even if you’re married or in a relationship you don’t owe your partner sex but saying no can be hard and can lead to coercion. “No” is a sentence in and of itself and should be treated as such. If your partner says, “No,” that is not your chance to try to convince them, it is also not your cue to ask them to justify themselves. And, if you say, “No,” and your partner does either of these things they are certainly not respecting your boundaries. Furthermore, consent is not gendered, it works both ways: women need to respect men’s “No” too.
However, an open and frank conversation is another thing entirely.
Consent is so much better all round if we just talk about what we like and don’t like before, during and after sex and if we listen actively to our partners as well. We have to learn to have conversations that might feel uncomfortable but I truly believe that if we aren’t ready and willing to talk about things, then we absolutely shouldn’t be doing them.
Obviously things change, and because you’re “into” something doesn’t mean you’re always going to feel like doing that something, but talking is a great place to start.
Why not share some of your favourite ways to ask about consent? We’d love to hear your thoughts.
]]>People are always curious and perhaps a little unsettled when I tell them that I am a sex therapist. I can see a multitude of thoughts and questions going through their mind as they try to work out exactly what the job of a sex therapist might entail. I tend to reassure people quickly that this is a talking therapy not a touch therapy, more for their comfort than mine. Culturally, we are still poorly educated in sexual issues so I can understand both the salacious interest and concerned confusion in people’s eyes when they first hear what I do for a living.
So, what exactly does a sex therapist do? Sexual health and well-being is a combination of biological, psychological and social factors and sex therapists work with the psychological and social pieces of this bio-psycho-social pie.
Many sexual function problems are caused by biological factors, such as heart disease, diabetes and thyroid issues. Sex therapists are trained to ensure that the biological aspects of a client’s difficulties are picked up and it is our colleagues in primary medicine who then diagnose and treat these problems. We also consider the social and cultural aspects of a client’s life that can affect their sexual health, such as their religious beliefs, family structure, access to privacy and their housing situation. Primarily though, we work with clients’ thoughts, feelings, behaviours, past and current life experiences and relationships – the psychological contributors to sexual well-being.
In day to day clinical practice terms, sex therapists help clients to overcome sexual function problems, such as erectile disorder, premature ejaculation, low sexual desire and genital pain conditions. In addition, we are trained to work with sexual and gender orientation themes, relationship problems, couple therapy, sexual abuse, compulsive sexual behaviours and infertility, to name but a few. We work with clients to address, for example, their sexual beliefs, their body image, self-confidence and attitudes to pleasure, all features of thinking that can affect sexual enjoyment and comfort. We put a lot of effort into improving our client’s sexual education, including explaining basic anatomy. (It is genuinely shocking how little people know about either the function or part names of their genitals!) We often support clients to reduce their anxiety about sex, as anxiety is often part of the problem with many sexual function problems. We help couples to stop fighting, to re-establish their sex lives and to recover from affairs. We even help them to separate and divorce – couple therapy is not always about re-establishing a relationship. It can just as easily be about ending it well.
Sex therapy can be a little like CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) as the sex therapist works with the client’s thoughts about sex (cognitions) and their sexual behaviours (we give homework!). Some of our work can also be much longer term and feel more transpersonal or psychodynamic ( which is an approach to psychology that emphasizes systematic study of the psychological forces that underlie human behavior, feelings, and emotions and how they might relate to early experience), particularly if we are working with sexual trauma. I think the term ‘pluralistic’ applies well to sex therapists as we draw on a range of therapeutic approaches to support recovery for our clients.
So, in a typical day I might work with a female client who has never been able to manage penetrative sex and now wants to have a baby with her much loved husband. I might then see a client who feels troubled by their kink preferences. My third client might be a person who is in an abusive relationship and is looking for a safe way out. My fourth session could be with a couple who have not had sexual contact for several years and need help to get their intimacy back on track. My final session of the day might be with a client who is sexually attracted to all genders but whose culture demands they marry someone of the opposite sex.
As you can see, I have fascinating and varied job which I consider to be a great privilege to have.
If want to join me in this profession take a look at our Diploma in Clinical Sexology course https://www.theinstituteofsexology.org/cics-diploma-in-clinical-sexology
If you would like help with a sex or relationship issue contact Sex Therapy Herts via our Practice Manager Kathy Freeman on our confidential email kathy@contemporarypsychotherapy.co.uk
Jo Divine would like to say a huge thank you to Julie for sharing her average day, which sounds incredibly varied. We are really fortunate to work with Julie at the Institute of Sexology as we often advise customers who we think would benefit from talking to a psychosexual therapist in addition to using our products or call or email for a recommendation to an accredited practitioner.
We know that a combination of conventional treatment such as psychosexual therapy, pelvic health physiotherapy and using our sex toys, dilators and other products can help people overcome their sexual health issue, regain their sexual function and enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure, whether single or in a relationship.
]]>Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM) is a term that entered my universe a few years ago and it’s slowly permeating its way into the larger social consciousness too. So… what is it? And why on earth would someone choose to do it? Here are my thoughts.
Nonmonogamy is effectively an umbrella term for any relationship that functions outside the bounds of monogamy. It can range from couples that choose to remain mostly monogamous but play with other people together, to individuals that invest fully in multiple emotional/ romantic/ sexual relationships in a hierarchical or non-hierarchical way.
There is a lot of terminology (swinging, polyamory, polygamy, open relationships, relationship anarchy) that goes along with the various types of relationships and, honestly, I’ve chosen not to worry too much about them for my own personal journey. While it can be helpful to understand the different ways people choose to define themselves, for me it’s been more about figuring out what I want, like and hold dear, regardless of the label that is applied to it.
The pivotal piece of lived information that led me down this path was a slow realisation that monogamy wasn’t working particularly well… I felt trapped and weighed down by expectations. I found myself being drawn to other people, I struggled to communicate openly and honestly about these feelings and this manifested in a kind of projected possessiveness towards my partners: if I was feeling this way, surely they were too? Whether or not that was true, following the breakdown of a long-term relationship I decided to do some research into what other options I had.
On reading How to Think More About Sex by philosopher Alain de Botton, I unearthed some facts about monogamy. Something that has become our unquestioned social norm is relatively very new in the scope of human history, and there are a lot of arguments that suggest humans are not really biologically wired to be monogamous; the divorce rates and statistics regarding infidelity speak volumes. Regardless of this, many people do choose monogamy, and are successful at it but my question is this: how many people actively choose monogamy, as opposed to half-blindly doing what society says they should do. How many people truly consider the alternatives before saying, “I do”? If I do choose to be monogamous one day, I’d like it to be that… an active and informed decision.
This rabbit hole of thinking led me to read The Ethical Slut and suddenly I was opened up to a whole new – ethical – way of conducting relationships that didn’t mean hiding my feelings for or attractions to other people, that meant I didn’t have to be someone’s “everything”. But… understanding the theory is one thing. Putting ENM into practise is a whole different ball game.
The past few years then, have been full of mistakes and revelations. I’ve had conversations with close monogamous friends who have felt personally attacked by my lifestyle choices. I’ve fallen into relationships with people who said they wanted to be nonmonogamous but ultimately weren’t able to be and I’ve questioned whether it’s for me too. I’ve been unethically nonmonogamous as well, and this was probably the most important lesson of all: that the “ethical” part is non negotiable. I’ve had to face into jealousy, and the disappointment that comes with any type of dating, let alone dating that can include multiple people. I’ve met wonderful humans, had amazing conversations with people who are in all sorts of different types of ethically nonmonogamous set ups. I’ve met people who view nonmonogamy as a way to simply serial date without actually investing any time or effort into someone. It’s been an exhausting and exhilarating journey and one that certainly isn’t over yet.
And, whether or not it’s a long-term choice, or something I continue to explore for a while, the impact it’s had on me has been incredible. But it hasn’t been easy.
First and foremost, exploring the feelings associated with ENM and questioning the social conditioning I’ve had embedded in me since childhood has been confronting to say the least. I grew up believing in “The One” and, while I still very much believe in love, I do not believe that I need another person to complete me, or even that there is just one person out there who is perfect for me. But I have learned that true connection is important. And in order to truly connect, I need to live my truth.
I have spent much of my life trying to “fit in”, and shedding that impulse has been hard, going against society’s expectations of me has been a challenge. But I’ve learned that I can be brave and resilient, that I’m kind, caring, loving and loveable… I’ve learned that I’m also headstrong and stubborn, that I’m fearful of emotional intimacy, that I find it hard to make and maintain boundaries and that, often, compromise feels like I’m giving up a part of myself. These are all things I am working on. Most importantly, though, I’ve discovered that there are people out there who believe the same things I believe and that do love and value me for exactly who I am.
After being honest with myself, the next stumbling block has been learning how to communicate with other people and the listening part is as hard (if not harder!) than the talking part. I used to rely heavily on text messages, because writing has always been my prefered mode of communication. As time has passed, I’ve become so much more confident communicating in person and now I prefer it; I love to hear the nuances of someone’s voice and read their body language as much as I hear the words they say.
I’m becoming more able to ask the tricky questions and I’m learning to acknowledge and navigate my own responses rather than projecting them onto someone else. I trust myself to respond more truthfully than I did. I’ve learned to say, “No,” and not always have to explain why. Communicating really is a skill, and it’s one that can be learned for sure. Navigating complex emotions and communicating them with kindness is something I am increasingly proud of, and something that I believe many monogamous couples do not do enough of; at least I didn’t.
One of the most difficult emotions to navigate has been jealousy. I believe we are taught that the strength of a relationship is directly proportional to how jealous we are; it’s completely normalised by society. I also believe this is an unhealthy representation of jealousy. Jealousy is not inherently a good nor bad thing and it’s often an umbrella emotion for far more complex feelings. Mine is often rooted in feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment. Learning to sit with and talk about my jealousy has been invaluable for me. It’s still a work in progress.
Despite all of this positive self growth, I still find myself constantly questioning my choices. A lot of this is to do with the choices my peers have made: whenever I spend time with my oldest friends I see their marriages and their babies and, for all their struggles, they are settled and — for the most part — content. It is me that leaves to go home alone. This always leads to self doubt… What am I doing? Am I just making my life harder than it needs to be? On balance, would I be happier if I was leading a more conventional life. I constantly feel like I’m both “too much” and “not enough”, so would toning myself down and finding a life partner solve that? Possibly. But… I also know myself. And as real as these emotions are in the moment, I also don’t think that right now that’s what I really want.
However, I am aware that the majority of the successful long-term ethically nonmonogamous relationships I see began from a monogamous base. And this is a very real question: do I need to invest my time and energy into one person for a period of time before evolving to something more open? The problem is, that I am also exploring my sexuality and, right now, that is more pressing. I do not want to be limited, I do not want boundaries imposed on me by other people, so my current brand of ENM is very much one where I am allowed my freedom and I allow my partners theirs. It does make building emotional connections a little more difficult, but with honesty and openness it also does work.
This is, of course, not everyone’s experience of nonmonogamy, and I know that the vast majority of people are not interested in trying it at all. The beauty of it is, though, that once you shed the confines of monogamy you can make your relationships whatever you want them to be. There is no right or wrong way to do ENM… Each person, each couple, makes their own rules.
I went headlong into it a few years ago determined to find myself a “primary” partner and, unsurprisingly, this has not been what has actually happened. Ultimately, I would still like to find this, and perhaps in time I will; but in the meantime what has evolved organically has been magical in its own right. I feel more sexually and emotionally empowered than I did in my previous monogamous relationships and I feel more loved and understood than ever before.
]]>Sometimes, my brain scares me. Often, I’ve actively shut it down because I think the route it’s about to take is going to scare me. Especially where sex is concerned; I have a pretty active imagination, and who knows where that’s going to lead me. But… I’ve learned over the past few years that brains are pretty amazing things and a thought popping into mine doesn’t actually mean anything is going to happen as a result of it. I’m learning that thoughts are just thoughts and that while the realms of fantasy and desire certainly overlap (more on that later), a fantasy is often not necessarily something I want to actually happen. Or, if I do, it is heavily contained within roleplay. Slowly, I’ve learned to distinguish between things I find hot in the abstract, and things I actually want to do and doing so has opened up a doorway in my mind that is no longer controlled by fear.
I learned this quite suddenly one night with a partner. He asked me what my fantasies were and I was reluctant to open up; I voiced my concern that any slightly “out there” fantasies would immediately take on a life of their own and manifest their way into my lived experience. He reassured me and led the way, talking me through an entirely “taboo” fantasy that involved a clandestine meeting between myself and his mother in a sex shop, a meeting that inevitably took a sexual turn and ended up involving him too. I was shocked, but I had to admit… I was also incredibly turned on. As was he. We had amazing sex that night and although we talked about it again in the morning, there was never a sniff of intent on either of our parts to turn the scenario into anything other than a shared fantasy.
And that, in a nutshell, was what helped me to distinguish between a fantasy — the activity of imagining impossible or improbable things — and desire — a strong feeling of wanting or wishing for something to happen. For me, this is a safety net. I can think about whatever I want to think about, but I am very careful about what I actually do.
I’ve been to London Alternative Market a few times now, and for me it’s a smorgasbord of fantasy and desire in a way that other events are not. You can be standing by the bar, casually sipping on a beer, while someone walks by with a person on the end of a leash, dressed as a dog and crawling across the floor. I am becoming so much more fascinated by role play and am starting to see it as the epitome of both fantasy and desire. Role play is a safe way to turn a fantasy into a reality without any dire consequences.
I used to shy away from scenarios like pet play and age play because I was fearful of them but I’m now finding that they are creeping into my realm of desire. I’m learning that wanting to explore these kinds of things doesn’t mean my brain is broken, or that I want to actually have sex with animals or children. Instead I’m learning that fantasy and role play are safe spaces to explore parts of myself. Like… “Little” me is simply the facet of my personality that wants to be looked after, that wants to be protected and wants to play, that wants not to shoulder the responsibilities of adulting for a few hours. When I am in “Little Mode” it isn’t usually sex I am looking for, it’s cuddles and snuggles and safety, but it often doesn’t take me too long to switch into adult play.
For me, there is very little judgement where desires and fantasies are concerned, so long as they are consensual and anything that does move into reality stays within the confines of the law. But it is also important to make conscious decisions about who to share with. While many people fantasise about things like group play with a view to make it actually happen, fantasies can go a lot deeper and be a lot darker than manifestable desires… not everyone wants to be privvy to these parts of your brain.
Where my personal journey is concerned, I’ve noticed an evolution in both my fantasies and my desires over time. My fantasies are becoming more outlandish (and I like that!) and my desires are becoming more concrete and communicable. I am also becoming more confident in sharing both, but in keeping my fantasies firmly confined to my thoughts or spoken words and putting desires out on the table to really happen with trusted partners.
Fantasies for me are now things like role-playing Wonder Woman, involving costumes and props. Or getting involved with a full on Bacchanalia orgy. This is so unlikely ever to happen but the scenario for me as a fantasy is super exciting… the wildness, the alcohol, being outside in a forest, being with a whole group of people (including strangers) and not to mention the woodland nymphs and mythical characters. These are the kinds of things my brain now conjures up for me, and I’m not mad at it.
Over the course of the years, as I’ve gotten to know and explore myself more, my desires have shifted gear too. While my desires still include a whole range of rather lovely things (including cuddles, emotional intimacy and radical honesty) I am in a position now where things like consensual nonconsent (or CNC, a scenario where something I have previously agreed to is done to me, but where I would be role-playing saying a vehement “No!”) are actively on the table. While I understand fully that these kinds of desires are not for everyone, I am accepting of the fact that it is something I would like to explore. I am also incredibly aware of the level of trust and communication that goes into something as serious as CNC: how intricately limits have to be discussed beforehand; the importance of a “safe word” that stops play immediately; a strong and trusting relationship with the people you are sharing your desires with; and a sound knowledge of your own trigger points to avoid any unnecessary issues.
Ultimately, for me, exploring my own desires and fantasies has been such an exhilarating and freeing process. And the beauty of fantasy is that literally anything goes. By giving my brain free rein, I’ve opened up parts of myself that I was completely unaware of and become so much more confident in my own boundaries around my behaviour — both in the bedroom and outside of it.
]]>After a big break up a few years ago, I decided to embark on a new journey into the worlds of kink and consensual non-monogamy. A journey that has been truly heart- and eye-opening so far.
I am in my mid 30’s and I’d been in long-term relationships most of my life but I was starting to see a pattern… monogamy wasn’t working out particularly well for me. In romantic relationships I can be a people-pleaser, I lose my sense of self too easily and get very bogged down with the shoulds.
The idea of non-monogamy began to percolate when I read ‘How to Think More About Sex’ by Alain de Botton. It made me think. In the grand scheme of humanity, our current version of monogamy is relatively new. It also places all sorts of unrealistic demands on our “other half”. There is the explicit expectation that they are not only our best friend, lover, romancer, spouse and possible co-parent, but also on the same wavelength politically, intellectually etc. etc. The list goes on and on.
I had never even thought to critique monogamy before. I mean it’s just what we do… everyone wants to find The One. Right? Hollywood and Disney have a lot to answer for… But I’m also not one to shy away from my thoughts.
And, as Grace Hopper said. “The most dangerous phrase in our language is, ‘We’ve always done it this way’”
So, as time passed, I gave myself permission to explore – in theory – what I truly wanted. In spite of planning parenthood since I was 10, I’m pretty sure I don’t actually want my own biological children. I am not desperate to wear a white dress and be someone’s wife. But I have a lot of love to give: I do want to love and to feel loved. I want to be valued and respected. I want intimacy. I want sex. Love-making sex, but also naughty, kinky, boundary-pushing sex.
Slowly, I realized that it could be possible to have all of these things outside of the confines of a traditional relationship. The more I thought about it and spoke with like-minded people and read articles and books, the more I realized that the principles on which my experiences of monogamy had been based were not the way I wanted to do things any more. I used to get very jealous. I was possessive yet I used to feel trapped. Regardless of sexual connections at the beginnings of a relationship, sex would always become an issue in some capacity down the line.
My thoughts and feelings about it all are continuously evolving but the deeper I go, the less inclined I am to fall back into monogamy. I think it’s natural to find people – other than just the one you’ve pledged to be faithful to – attractive. I think denying this leads to issues and makes cheating more exciting. What if I could be in secure, loving romantic and sexual relationships but still have the freedom to explore other interesting connections with people I meet?
Most importantly, I wanted to acknowledge and face into the shame I felt about being a sexual person. I wanted my relationships to be built on trust, honesty, respect and communication. Successful non-monogamous relationships rely on these very things in a way that monogamous relationships often fall short on.
While jealousy is something I still feel, I am learning to sit with and explore it, and I – mostly – enjoy the challenge of doing so. I definitely don’t believe that other people are possessions any more. Like the majority of people, I have the capacity to feel a great deal of love for many people at the same time: while time might be a limiting factor, love is not. Much like familial love, the romantic love that I feel for one person is not affected or diminished by the love I feel for another.
I have spent a lot of time questioning and exploring my motivations for starting this new chapter of my life. Am I simply looking for my ego to be fed? Am I just terrified of commitment? The truth is that I don’t actually know. Both are possible. But the more time that passes, the less these feel like valid reasons and the more it feels like a healthy way of opening myself up to experiences and connections that are not limited by society’s narrow view of what the “ideal” relationship might look like. The truth is, I’ve never felt so loved and valued, and I’ve never felt more confident in my own skin. Exploring kink and BDSM alongside non-monogamy has been eye-opening… as a human, but also as a woman and a feminist.
While I am keeping my identity under wraps and will, of course, be protecting the identities of the people I meet, my aim has always been to document my experiences as openly and honestly as I can. Not only that, the act of writing itself helps me to process my thoughts and feelings and there have been plenty of those along the way. So… all things considered, I am excited to be working with Jo Divine and seeing where my journey takes me.
Image credit and copyright (used with permission) Instagram @prints_b_d_s_m4 on Twitter @printsbdsm4
]]>I’m not special; 1 in 8 women will have breast cancer and this type is not uncommon, the second most diagnosed, although this type is a bit sneaky, forming a single cell pattern, harder to detect as there is not always a lump due to a lack of a protein called e cadherin which is what binds a normal tumour together. It can go undetected for a long time especially in dense breasts and is also often late diagnosed.
My relationship ended shortly after my diagnosis. I had a double skin sparing nipple removing mastectomy which I requested in May 2017. As this type doesn’t always show on imaging, I felt this was the right option for me as it would surely be torture for me going for a yearly mammogram to pick up a cancer which wasn’t seen on imaging the first time.
The diagnosis of breast cancer is subjective; for myself and other women I have since spoken with, it meant retreat; I didn’t feel lonely or depressed, but I felt very alone and wanted to be on my own to make sense of things. I read everything (peer reviewed medical papers) I could about my cancer – which makes me a challenging patient.
This country is way behind in cancer treatments and I advocate for myself and now for others. I count myself very lucky indeed that my team and oncology unit have been so brilliant. I am truly grateful for all their hard work, but post cancer surgery and treatment is a wilderness. No advice or help with sex after breast cancer, confidence, many things that women need help with. Many relationships end after breast/gynaecological cancers are diagnosed.
Breasts are very much tied into female psychology. From puberty when you go for a teen bra fitting, the way the opposite sex reacts to them, the way they feel when aroused, to becoming practical food dispensers when one has a baby.
I have always had large dense breasts, spoken at for most of my life and now I enjoy people talking to my face. It isn’t however an ‘Angelina’ nor is it a ‘free boob job’ both of which I have had said to me.
My standard reply is; “swap with me any day babes, happy for you to have to go through what I have”.
I had become hypercritical of how I look. The end of my relationship the day before my mastectomy has fed massively into my lack of confidence in my appearance. In truth, I was not a fan of how my new ‘foobs’ looked – they reminded me of man boobs, they look fine when dressed but naked, they looked bald, lumpy and mishapen (quite common).
The aromatase inhibitor was adding to my surgical menopause via side effects; skin drying, hair coarseness, fatigue, hot flushes, terrible joint pains, lack of libido, weight gain, vaginal dryness (sob) and I felt I looked 100. I feel 100 most days due to these damn tablets but I won’t let them or cancer get one over me.
I have an amazing nurse/beautician who lives nearby and I went to her for help . I had ‘sprinkles ‘ which puts small amounts of botox in around the eyes to give realistic results and I was very pleased; I still crinkle when smiling and am not frozen. I noticed my top lip thinning and lines were starting to appear so had filler, again in small sprinkled amounts. I was very cautious with the amount of filler I had put in and while I would love a BJ bouche, I am aware I do not need to look like a 25 year old Love Island contestant. My confidence started to grow. Small steps.
The hardest of the side effects for me has been the weight gain. The weight gain may now be causing me additional problems. A recent visit to A&E for continual chest pains revealed a dodgy ECG. This couldn’t be repeated at the second testing so my GP sent me for a heart scan to check for disease – another side effect of medication. My cholesterol is high, my liver function is raised all due to these meds – these meds are not for the faint hearted.
You’d be surprised how many people you know are experts on weight management quoting all sorts of science, diets, advice, but you know what, this is my body and I know how hard I have tried to maintain my weight. Over this summer, I had a birthday a wedding and some social events to go to. I gave myself a medication holiday for 3 weeks and lost 7 lbs while eating all the wrong foods, drinking and generally enjoying myself.
The aches and pains were less, the fatigue was less, it was all, so much better I was back to me almost. I have another 5 years on these tablets if I stay on them that long. Many women take quality of life over the aromatase inhibitors due to the horrible side effects. Approx 30% stop treatment before they are due, preferring to take their chances.
I had for a long time thought about having breast tattoos. I didn’t want nipple tattoos. I loved my nipples, they were beautiful, sensitive, pleasure temples and these breasts don’t feel anything like my other breasts did and I can’t pretend they do by making them look similar. It’s a personal choice.
I chose to make them works of art. Trusting someone to decorate something of such psychological delicacy needed much research. I wanted something very feminine, delicate and to be a collaboration between me and the artist. I searched for a year and found a beautiful lady in Norwich. When I first met Emma from True Tattoos in Norwich, I knew she ‘got it’. Talented and empathic, we emailed ideas and pictures.
Each flower represents someone in my life, a special month or other memory. My mum’s wedding bouquet flowers, gardenia, stephanotis, my children, cherry blossom, snowdrops, my family various flowers and a few others. The swallow represents my dad who died when I was 12. He is placed over two white roses that represent me and my younger sister, who is my rock. He looks over us. I like asymmetrical tattoos and wanted to finish the tattoos before the new year (2019) as I needed to draw a line under the past .
The original idea was to tattoo over the scars but I left them there. I cannot feel my breasts therefore the 12 hours sat for the tattooing was a breeze. They have given me the confidence I needed in my body. I absolutely love them and would walk down a catwalk topless they make me feel that good. They remind me how strong a woman is. The strength you find and then some because you need to. My scars remind me of how strong I have been, how I have done this for myself. I do not however have confidence for intimacy, I am sure that will come, but will take much work with my therapist for that one.
At this time I cannot imagine what a partner would contribute to my life apart from sex, but I can do that myself. I am single and love it.
I read last year of a woman who had been through breast cancer, got the courage to start dating again and told a man she was getting on really well with on the fourth date that she had had breast cancer. He got up from their table and said “I can’t do that” and walked away.
I can’t tell you how much I felt for that poor woman. I decided to carry out my own research so for the last year have put myself on 3 different dating sites. One right winged broad sheet newspaper dating site, one left and one of the top fee paying multi advertised. I didn’t go into much detail about my breast cancer but mentioned it in my profile. All I said was that I had encountered it.
Collectively, over the three sites I had approximately 1,370 views of my profile. over the three sites, I had 16 people approach me. 2 of those to wish me well. I met three. Nice chaps but no chemistry. Least of all from the most popular site that is a matchmaking service. I don’t think I’m a minger, so it must be cancer.
While I get it if you have lost someone to breast cancer, you may not want to be reminded of the experience, but surely, is it that bad? What are people thinking happens? At my age (58) surely we are over all that superficial stuff?
If I do it again my next add will read: “bolshey bird with false tits seeks bloke with semi erectile dysfunction for humane experience!”
I am a 58 year old woman living a suburban life with 2 fabulous kids. I Like swimming, Pedro Almodovar films, seaside, Tracey Emin, Paula Rego, Franseca Woodman, Cindy Sherman Tate modern.
Encouraged to go to university when I was 48 by an amazing fiery Glaswegian woman I was working for. It took 3 attempts at entry (no maths) after being found to be dyslexic and dyscalculic, to be finally accepted by London South Bank University to study psychology where I found a special interest in sexuality; paraphilias, other research topics included swinging, BDSM and trans lived experience and my Final year dissertation was ‘Image construction in heterosexual tranvestite men’.
I love working in sexual health and wellbeing as a sexual health advisor in the NHS with a fabulous team but am so frustrated by the numerous cuts to services leading to a rise in antibiotic resistant infections and sexual transmittted infections such as syphilis making a comeback. This is why we need more sexual health campaigns to raise awareness.
I was diagnosed with Breast cancer in October 2016. I have undergone 4 lumpectomies, a double mastectomy, salpingo oophorectomy, breast reconstruction surgery including my Tittoos. Absolutely love them.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Darls for sharing her very honest and often funny experience of breast cancer and regaining her confidence post treament. I am so pleased we connected on twitter, one of the good aspects of social media within the world of cancer care and support. I really hope those of you going through breast cancer treament, are post treatment or living with cancer will find this blog can help you to regain your confidence in whatever way you can, hopefully with the help and support of partners, family, friends and even strangers on social media. Knowing that you are not alone is so important.
Breast Cancer Care : www.breastcancercare.org.uk
Breast Cancer Chat WorldWide :@bccww
Breast Cancer Chat Ireland :@bccire
ABC Diagnosis : www.abcdiagnosis.co.uk
Young Womens Breast Cancer blogspot : www.youngwomensbreastcancerblog.blogspot.co.uk
Pink Ribbon Foundation : www.pinkribbonfoundation.org.uk
CoppaFeel : www.coppafeel.org
Prevent Breast Cancer : www.preventbreastcancer.org.uk
Asian Breast Cancer : www.bmecancer.com
The Daisy Network : www.daisynetwork.org.uk
The Dovecote:www.thedovecote.org
Fertility and Cancer : www.cancerandfertility.co.uk
College of Sex and Relationship Therapists : www.cosrt.org.uk
Jennifer Young : www.beautydespitecancer.co.uk
RecoBra : www.recoheart.com/recobra-story
LoveMeAndMySecret : www.lovemeandmysecret.com
HipHeadWear : www.hipheadwear.co.uk
Pelvic, Obstetric and Gynaecology Physiotherapy: www.pogp.csp.org.uk
SimPal : www.yoursimpal.com
Dr Liz O’Riordan and Professor Trisha GreenHalgh – The Complete Guide to Breast Cancer: How to Feel Empowered and Take Control
The vulva basically consists of 3 areas- the inner lips (labia minora), outer lips (labia majora) and the clitoris, complete with clitoral hood. At puberty, the flush of hormones, as well as expanding the breasts and (facial) lips, causes the inner labia and clitoral hood to swell, extend and darken in colour, in preparation for adult sexuality.
As with every other part of the body, the exact end-result is highly variable. Some women experience little change to their pubic area, with the inner labia remaining naturally very discretely hidden, though this is rare. Some gain fatty tissue to the outer labia, cushioning the area and hiding the inner labia. Some develop longer, chunkier and more easily seen inner labia. They are almost never perfectly symmetrical, and young teens almost never get to see the true variety, largely basing their ideas on what pornography they can access.
“Variety, multiplicity, are two of the most powerful vehicles of lust” – Marquis de Sade
“I was worried about my own vagina. It needed a context of other vaginas— a community, a culture of vaginas. There’s so much darkness and secrecy surrounding them— like the Bermunda Triangle” – Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues
“In the twenty-first century, the vagina has come to eclipse the female face” – Antonella Gambotto-Burke
Australian censorship laws dictate what vaginas have to look like if they are going to appear in magazines and soft porn. The Guidelines for Classification of Publications require the labia minora and clitoris to be airbrushed out of photographs. They call it “healing to a single crease”.
While the UK and the US don’t have laws dictating what kinds of vulvas make it into popular media, the single crease, flattened-out “Barbie vulva” is the one which appears almost all of the time, across the world. In pornographic videos, it’s often the result of a labiaplasty. And in print, it’s thanks to heavy Photoshopping.
But the truth is, while a seemingly labia-less vagina can be perfectly normal, it’s not the only kind of vagina. In fact, it’s more common for the labia to protrude and for the lips to be at different lengths.
-Kassi Klower, 2019
Vaginas. Many of us don’t tend to intensely inspect the anatomy of anyone else’s much (we’ve not got it all hanging out, like men), which is how so many women end up with a complex over whether theirs is ‘normal’. But here’s the thing: no matter what the shape, size, colour, WHATEVER (unless, you know, it physically hurts), it’s completely normal.
-Cosmopolitan, Sept 2018
Given the apparent need for women to critique and adjust their appearance in every way in order to meet the current and ever changing standards set by society to be considered of value, is it any wonder that women, more and more, are going under the knife to sculpt and tinker with this most intimate of areas?
The rise in cosmetic (as opposed to purely functional) vaginoplasty and labiaplasty has skyrocketed since 2007. These aren’t generally women having functional problems after childbirth – they are usually young (and in the USA, many are under 18- some as young as 9) and already very beautiful, with perfectly normal inner labia.
They pay a hefty price (both financial and in terms of recovery pain, infection risk, and future functional problems in later life – the labia are thin but they do serve several purposes, including protecting the structures of the clitoris, urethra, and closing the vaginal canal securely against germs, water and dirt) in order to trim or remove these little flower petals of femininity.
A friend of mine (who is no stranger to a little nip and tuck), once attended a surgical consultation, to have her vulval appearance improved. She complained that her inner labia were too small, and you couldn’t see them when she stood up. ‘Um, we normally do it the other way around’ was the response.
Labiaplasty – trimming or forming a wedge with the labia minora, reducing their protrusion, removing any frilly parts to the edges and increasing symmetry.
Often combined with:
Hoodectomy – Reduction of the delicate skin over the clitoris to reduce its protrusion. Sometimes done to increase clitoral sensation.
Vaginoplasty – surgical alteration to the inner walls of the vagina
Liposuction to the mons pubis and fat injections to the labia majora – Taking fat away from the front can ‘sculpt’ the area and injecting it into the outer lips plumps them up, giving the area a younger appearance
Labia puffs- filler injections to the inner or outer labia, making them look more ‘plump’ and youthful. Effects are temporary. Risk of infection and nerve damage.
Vaginal rejuvenation- Often done by laser or radio-frequency, tightens and plumps the inner walls and can improve sensation and lubrication (as well as continence) for some women, or can be used externally to tighten and plump the inner and outer labia.
More research is being done within the NHS on the efficacy of CO2 laser treament which can be an effective treatment for stress incontinence and vaginal atrophy but it is important that it is undertaken by a trained accredited healthcare professional. There is the potential risk of burns, tissue damage and infection with unregulated treaments or not carried out by a trained practioner, it is not something you should be popping out at lunchtime to have done!
The O-shot – a filler injection to the area around the G-spot, supposedly to enhance orgasm. Effects are temporary. Risk of nerve damage and infection.
Vajacials – a ‘Facial’ for the area around the vagina. Has been suggested that they could cause irritation or infection.
Ultimately, we as women (provided we are privileged with the money and good health to undertake such procedures), have a number of options from the minor and short-lived, to the more expensive and extreme. Our bodies are, or always should be, our own temples to decorate however we see fit. Yet why is this necessary? And what ‘should’ we be aiming for, if we decide to nip and tuck at our nether regions?
As with fashions for ‘ideal’ body shape changing, from the boyish waif of the 20s, to the hour glass of the 50’s, to the muscular tone of the 80’s and the borderline-impossibly inflated curves of the 2010’s (complete with liposuction, breast and butt implants and corsetry), the ‘ideal’ vagina notion also comes in from all around us, on TV, on screen, on social media, celebrities and advertising for clothes, holidays, music videos, you name it. T
There was even the ridiculous ‘dry panty challenge’ doing the rounds a couple of years ago on social media (why you’d want to have no natural vaginal discharge, or even how you’d go about altering it, was never clarified). It’s not all about whether to keep your pubic hair anymore- oh no. Now we are stripped down, laid bare and worried about what lies beneath.
Let’s have a look at some of these trends for how the lady-flower should grow have changed over time:
Generally considered to be the most wildly erotic form, by the few writers of the time who discussed such things, this style goes from the rose bud (just clitoris or clitoral hood central of the outer labia visible on standing) to the full blown rose (where clitoral hood and labia are the most prominent features) -like a rose about to drop its petals. Given that the enlargement and prominence of the inner labia and clitoris develops as a secondary sexual characteristic in women (like large breasts, or pouty facial lips), one can see how this might naturally be considered the most exciting, feminine and sexually alluring shape.
2009 – The Hamburger
The hamburger was once the shape of choice – with inner labia on a level with outer labia, resembling a McDonald’s burger as viewed from behind while on all fours. Not a common natural type, yet often selected or surgically (or airbrush) created for pornography.
2013- The Rhombus Crotch
This outer shape consists of an apparently flat horizontal line across the nether regions, usually the result of excessive, anatomically incorrect photoshopping, or very low BMI women, with little flesh anywhere. Basically, it is the shape of the underlying pelvic bone, without natural padding. Accessorise with liposuctioned inner-thigh gap and yoga pants.
2015 – The Fat Pussy
Often beloved of men who also enjoy a big booty, or dislike smashing their balls against a hard surface during sex. Fake camel-toe underwear available online are padded undies to make the outer labia look fatter through your clothes and emphasise a central cleft. Pointless unless worn with super-thin, super tight skinny jeans, leggings or hotpants.
2017 – The Bleached Vagina
Not the perfect, pale pink tone of an albino throughout? That’s right, now people are bleaching the natural melanin out of their labia.
2019 – The Barbie Vagina
Inner labia cropped to sit well within the outer labia with all frills and asymmetry taken away, or labia entirely removed, clitoral hood trimmed back. Simple slit-like appearance on standing, similar to a doll, or (somewhat worryingly) a pre-pubescent child.
So those are the messages we have subtly had from society about the ‘correct’ or ‘desirable’ shape and size of the vagina and its surrounding anatomy. The overall aesthetic to ‘aspire’ to for one’s own lady-garden. A garden that, until fairly recently, one would not have imagined it were possible to cultivate and prune quite so fiercely.
Yet do these fashions reflect what people really think when it comes to their own sexual partners?
We ask some men and women who enjoy vaginas what the ideal vulva should actually look like:
“A rose!” – Mr Z
“There isn’t really an ideal. I love the variety of different shapes and sizes; the puffiness, the lip length, but most importantly the taste has to be sweet. If it tastes like battery acid then no thanks”. – 101 Kinks, Fabswingers
“I’ve recently found that I have a liking for big clits with (pardon the expression) easy access. The size of the lips (big or small) don’t really concern me, so long as they don’t make it difficult to access the clit.There is a girl I know that had, what I thought, were decent sized lips, but she was convinced that they were bigger than they needed to be. So despite me trying to convince her that she looked fine the way she was, she went ahead and had surgery to remove most of her own lips. Now she’s happy with them (or rather the lack of them) and I guess that’s what matters, she’s gained self-confidence, but honestly she didn’t have to. I’ve yet to meet any guy that went “Oh, she’s super hot, but I’m going to dump her because her labia are so massive!” It just isn’t an issue for any guy I’ve ever met.” – Mr. F, swinger, 30’s
“I like mine to be long and nice tasting. I do actually realise a lot of women do not like their longer vulva, but I love it. It makes it a lot of fun”. – Slutgirl, Fabswingers
“I like ones that look like my own, apparently. Neat and tidy, but would never want anyone to go under the knife to conform to my preferences! I think more important than the look is the smell and taste… even if it’s the best-looking labia in the world, I’m not going near it if it gives off an unpleasant odour”. – Miss E
Here’s a 101 guide to learning to love your labia:
We could all do with a little more vagina self-love. When we, too, are randomly sending pictures of our genitals to strangers online to say hello, perhaps we will be a step closer to sexual equality.
]]>As anyone who has temporarily had a mobility-limiting injury knows, the extra 20 metres to an entrance between disabled and non-disabled parking really makes a difference. How much more so then, when your mobility limitations are long-term?
Whereas businesses are generally legally required to make provision for staff and visitors for accessibility, non-discrimination and inclusion of those who have seen and unseen disabilities, the swing and kink scenes are largely free of restriction in this way. Small semi-informal events, membership clubs and big, paid events often overlook or actively discriminate against those who, for one reason or another, could be classified as having a disability.
The most obvious issue is with stairs. Having had lunch some time ago with a gentleman in a wheelchair, he confided that the swinging and kink events are largely inaccessible, the possible exception in London being LAM, which has a lift to all 4 floors. He then proceeded to explain the advantage was that he could use disabled toilets and take someone in with him for a quickie, but I declined this generous offer.
Even seemingly single-level events (of which there are few) are often peppered with single steps, non-accessible bar heights and lack of disabled facilities. Even for those who can manage stairs with difficulty, the high-heels dress code for women can present whole new issues for those with painful or unstable gaits.
Are events actively discriminating against those with disabilities? Or in the hard-to-find venue battle, are events simply doing their best to go ahead with those who can attend and putting in the provision they are able?
The swing scene is largely (perhaps to move away from tawdry representation in the past) marketing itself as exclusive, and for those of a certain aesthetic, age, and style. The kink scene, however, prides itself on being a place for everyone, and indeed many people with disabilities can be seen on the kink scene.
The recently closed (and controversially-named) ‘PsychoWard’ event was hailed as a celebration of the aesthetic of medical intervention and disability, for those with a passion for it. It certainly divided public opinion.
Those with unseen disabilities can struggle equally to access and enjoy events when their needs haven’t been accounted for. What are some of the issues people face? How can events do better? How can we help support our friends and partners to access and enjoy events better?
Sometimes the issues are mental or emotional, with high pressure situations…
Depression can just sap any willpower or energy to go anywhere or do anything. Someone to pick you up or go with you to the event (both in a general sense but physically go with them beforehand) would be good, same for anxiety too. [James, 20’s]
I have anxiety and depression but I don’t think organisers can do anything to help with that. Maybe just making sure advertising doesn’t portray a particular body type as that can make me anxious to go to a party. [Miss N, 20’s]
Sometimes the issues are unseen but physical…
I actually have tinnitus so loud music is uncomfortable for me and I always have to use earplugs which is why I always wear my hair down. It’s an invisible disability but if there are no quieter places at a kink club then I won’t go. I need to be able to escape the really loud rooms like at Torture Garden or Antichrist. [Miss A, 40’s]
Sometimes the issues are ‘neurodiverse’. Those with dyslexia, ADHD, or on the Autism spectrum may also have issues that affect their access to and enjoyment of swing and kink events, if their needs aren’t accounted for.
Where to begin? I have ADHD which is possibly the reason why I can never finish in public. Keep looking around me at other people and can’t seem to focus long enough. I have anxiety when it comes to sex as I am completely fine talking and socialising with people but then when it comes to the sex I still get anxious small chest pains right before the sex starts! (After a few moments once the sex gets comfortable it goes away and I can enjoy it). I have a bit of an imposter syndrome as I never feel I’m good enough… and that relates to both my professional life and my sex life… But frankly it’s not something that I want to advertise publicly. People want to be with the confident winning guy! So, I play the part (as much as I can) and pretend to be confident in public all the while thinking in the back of my head “They’re going to figure you out eventually!”. You know… I’ve just realised that maybe that’s why I’m attracted to other ‘broken’ (excuse the expression) people! As they are the only ones I feel can relate to me and I am most comfortable around them. [Mr F 30’s]
Making staff aware of conditions but not pointing people out can be done, like how to recognise the difference between an oddball with issues or a creepy guy targeting people. They aren’t mutually exclusive but there is also a lot of separation. I have a card from the police that I get out to let people know I’m the way I am if the situation is out of control and I don’t understand why but that’s very rare these days. Nothing really needs to change at the parties but I think staff would benefit from being aware of people’s differences. [Mr. C, 30’s]
I would love to be able to say that it’s as simple as making an event aware of your needs in advance so the hosts can accommodate you, but unfortunately that isn’t always the case. A beautiful friend of mine with an unseen condition recently advised an event host (and this is a large, commercial event) of an unseen condition that may occasionally require her to have medical intervention in the unlikely event that she was to collapse. She was told not to come.
So how can we bring the swing and kink scene up to speed with the legislation that the rest of the country is bound by (lacking in many ways though it still is)?
Here are some suggestions:
Last summer, I was browsing the shops of Soho with my lovely friend on the search for her ‘first dildo’.
We had a look around, and every time I found one that looked pretty cool, she read the box and looked slightly crestfallen.
“I don’t want something called ‘the giant destroyer’, or ‘prince of penetration’. Whatever happened to ‘Wonderful Steve’, or ‘Marriage-material Mike’?”
Clearly, she wanted more from a dildo name than the promise of borderline violence. She wanted a non-threatening, intimate friend.
‘Wonderful Steve’ became a bit of a joke ever since (not helped by the fact that the next day we met a guy called Steve), and yet she touched on something rather more profound than it originally sounded.
Just before Christmas, I was possibly ‘seeing someone’. We’d had a few dates, been to a couple of parties. We seemed a likely match in many ways. My friends liked him. I even got him a Christmas present. In my particular style, it was, of course, the most awesome, hilarious and completely personally suited present I could imagine. We’d chat every day, almost. He worked abroad a lot of the time, so things were rather limited. Yet every conversation was wonderful, and personal, and politely enthusiastic. Yet I noticed a problem. It was always me that initiated the conversation. So I stopped initiating. And that was, wordlessly, the end of that.
It did occur to me that this was not something anyone needed to know. In many ways, having been present as a real person on a few occasions, and as someone who was usually abroad, I could have easily made him my fake boyfriend.
Well, there is a multitude of sensible reasons. From the age-old trick of sending yourself flowers at the office, to the modern ‘pretend you are really busy with other people’ methods, seeming like you are desired makes you more of a perceived catch. It puts you in the category of ‘sought-after person’. People are a bit daft like that. They think if you are single long-term, that there must be a reason why. They like to compete for what they see as a desirable prize. It doesn’t seem to matter so much whether the facts are true.
In this hypothetical situation, I’d have a ‘boyfriend’ who never got in my way, who allowed me to do whatever I wanted, who was always plausibly not present, and yet gave me the public status of whatever the conventional, romance-focussed people seemed to think I ought to be spending my time and efforts on. It wouldn’t matter if we ‘broke up’ somewhere down the line; it wouldn’t matter if I ‘found someone else’. What seems to matter to people is that I’m investing my efforts somewhere: In someone. Doing something that gives their own choices the validation of seeing others replicate them.
Basically, my fake boyfriend would have got other people off my back. They wouldn’t have to ‘worry about’ me. They could rest assured that I was doing the ‘normal’ thing of pursuing a conventional relationship, however rocky, unfulfilling and obviously pointless it might actually be. I’d have had all the benefits of being single and pursuing whatever I wished to, without the social stigma attached to it. You notice there are a lot of inverted commas in here. The reason for this is because they are not thoughts I actually have myself.
A fake boyfriend: This might sound rather an odd thing to consider, but is it really so strange?
A multitude of people in long marriages work opposing shifts. They travel for their jobs. They take ‘girls’ weekends’ and ‘holidays with the lads’. They spend their work time apart and their leisure time pursuing their own interests. It seems quite possible and plausible to have a respectable ‘relationship’ long term with a person you spend as little time with as you can get away with. What do you have then? A fondness? A tolerance? A business partnership? An annoyance? Is this the passionate, romantic love and affection the world expects us to be feeling, regardless of evidence to the contrary?
It strikes me that the purpose of conventional relationships can be split into different motives:
It is interesting to note that, with very few exceptions, women who are divorced or widowed later in life do not stumble and fail. They do not set out to get themselves the very next man that crosses their path, in fear and loneliness. That is not to say that they do not love or miss their former life-partner: Rather, women are complex and diverse social creatures, and having already had the status conferred by being a wife, mother, grandmother; running a home, family and business, the last thing they need when suddenly truly independent is to find another man to look after. Statistically, they live longer than married women. Statistically, single men live less long than either.
Perhaps there are better things to focus on than keeping the world reassured that we are happy in the way they think they must be.
Here are some adventures you can have with or without a partner:
All in all, do we need a fake boyfriend? Not really. Though it would probably be a lot less hassle than a real one.
Love comes in many forms. A life without couple-status is not a life of tragedy. A life without love might be, for some but certainly not for all. Yet the wonderful thing about love is it can be found all over the place when you reach out to connect with people. Happiness comes from being a part of things, not from owning them. And certainly not from squeezing what is natural into a shape that isn’t, just to fit in the box the world expects from you.
Be wonderful, be unique; be single or coupled or any other orientation. Just enjoy being you.
]]>I’m Alice Hunter of Unicorn Hunting Blog and author of the satirically sociopathic ‘Unicorns and How to Hunt Them: Your Guide to Scoring Threesomes like a Boss’.
Jo Divine has kindly invited me to do some articles for them.
Now, you may not consider yourself a swinger, or kinky, or LGTBQIA, or any of the topics I usually write about. 8 years ago, neither did I. I got invited to an ‘elite’ sex party as a first date and, being one who could never resist a peek down the rabbit hole, I set off to have a ‘once in a lifetime’ adventure. Many moons later, here I still am. It turned out the peek wasn’t nearly enough to experience, know and understand the diverse sexual underworld veiled so thinly beneath ‘respectable’ life.
The history of female sexuality, in particular, has always been steeped in shame, judgement and misogynistic fear. The history of acceptable male sexuality has always been railroaded into the most basic and conservative of acts. Men are beings who have sex with women, almost animalistic in nature. With urgent drives and lack of sophistication. Women are beings who submit to these drives in order to experience the fringe benefits of love, companionship and financial security.
What a load of old twaddle.
People of any (or no) gender can be sexual beings in their own right. Our biology is built to enable us to experience pleasure in many ways, all over our bodies, and yet we are all unique and require an understanding of how different sensations affect us as individuals. How can we possibly hope to experience the full range of what our beautiful, unique minds and bodies can offer us with another person if we don’t know them ourselves?
The puritanical notion that sex and pleasure are sinful is such a temporary blip in the history of humanity, and yet it still affects our perception of what it means to enjoy ourselves. Have no doubt, my lovely readers, that we need not be constrained by such unnatural and unhelpful notions. To take the step of exploring the wonders of the way you have been made is an act of rebellion and defiance against every part of society that seeks to keep you oppressed.
Whether you are part of a conventional couple, single, or one of the myriads of other emotional/social orientations that are springing up (or always lay hidden) all through society, you have the right and opportunity to learn skills and to enjoy your own pleasure.
What is it I’m here to do for you? Well, that’s a very good question. I’m not here to convert you to the world of swinging. It works for some, not for others (though let it be said, I’ve never met a person who was ‘too old’ to swing. I assure you, one can have a wonderful sexual and social life in the swing scene well into your nineties). I’m not here to say you should try out something ‘kinky’. Kinky is relative. If something is very unappealing to you, then it’s not the time and place for you to give it a go. A year, 10 years later? You may feel differently. Or you may not. Both are completely right choices.
What I’m going to do is give you little snippets of insight into worlds you may not feel like you want to dive straight into, but which can be fascinating to learn about. Who never had a list of questions they wanted to ask a porn actor, or an escort, or a professional dominatrix? Who never had a curiosity about what really happens at a hot tub party, or wanted tips on how to pick up someone in a fantasy situation? This is what I write about.
One of my favourite things is talking to people and hearing their stories, insights and experiences. The world is full of people having adventures, just beneath the surface of daily life. Your quiet, polite gardener, who spends his weekends secretly attending female dominance parties? Your respectable lawyer, who goes out to hedonistic sex events dressed all in lacey lingerie? Your suit-clad accountant, who likes to hot-wife for her husband whenever the kids go to their grandparents? They are all there, all people who you know. Just nobody can talk about it. Nobody can share the things that bring them passion and joy. The things that make their eyes sparkle with delight and bring colour to their cheeks. It’s all kept quiet, hidden, due to fear of judgement.
It is this fear, this secrecy, that makes the social side of the alternative sex scene so wonderful. To have people around you who understand what it’s actually like is so deeply bonding. The world needs more of that.
Let’s start the joyful adventure that our lives were always supposed to be.
]]>The vegan movement is certainly not about sex, however, many stories and even scientific studies abound as to whether vegan diets have benefits that transcend the ethical and general health concerns, into the sphere of everyone’s favourite vice: recreational sex.
These days, it seems like everyone’s a vegan. It’s ‘woke’ and on trend. It’s more than a diet- it’s an identity. 71% of vegans in the UK are aged 25-44 and 7% of British residents now identify as vegan – for comparison, that’s about 3 times as many as those who identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. Any self-respecting libertine should at least familiarise themselves with some vegan knowledge to bolster their armoury of amour.
There’s a lot of conflicting stories about how to best feed your sex organs. Probably, as with most things, the answer exists in a wider and less simple context. Veganism isn’t always an easy diet to follow, even these days, and if your only vegan option at the corner shop turns out to be a packet of Oreos (vegan! Who knew?) then you clearly aren’t going to rake in the nutritional benefits of someone who is mindfully constructing their meals.
I noticed zero difference. Logically, any difference would come from changing a balance: the balance of nutrients (and obviously, there are infinite kinds of both vegan and non-vegan diets), but you can get 99% of them from non-animal products, and certainly, you don’t need to change the balance if you don’t want to. [Marcus Quillan, Adult Industry Actor and vegan]
Historically, it was thought that red meat would boost testosterone and the chaste religious sects had low protein diets to curb their desires. One might assume that veganism would impair sexual function, but this is not necessarily the case. A great many things are different in modern life, from the hormones and antibiotics circulating in factory farmed animals (both natural and added) to the diversity and abundance of plant products.
Though zinc (found in red meat) is important for producing testosterone, studies have conversely found that the more meat you eat, the less semen you make. Besides, you can get zinc from other places.
Historically, vegetarianism has been linked more closely with chastity than with licentiousness. Around the same time, in Russia, Leo Tolstoy gave up meat because of his concerns about animal cruelty. In “The First Step,” his “essay on the morals of diet,” Tolstoy claims that meat-eating is “quite unnecessary, and only serves to develop animal feelings, to excite desire, to promote fornication and drunkenness.
Later, in the early 20th century, English schoolmasters recommended vegetarian diets to their students as a means of curbing their appetites for self-abuse – [Rastogi, 2009]
Almonds, chickpeas, bananas, basil, figs, celery, asparagus, pumpkin seeds and pine nuts are all fantastic sources of zinc and vitamin B – both of which are vital for increasing your libido.
High quantities of saturated fats can be found to inhibit blood flow to the penis and heighten blood pressure. In other words, it’s the perfect recipe for impotence. Maintaining good blood flow helps us become aroused because we are better able to transmit hormonal signals back and forth from the brain to the genitals, resulting in increased sensations where it matters. Even the size of the clitoris is affected. It is, after all, erectile tissue. [Happy Happy Vegan]
Ensuring adequate protein in the diet is important to prevent testosterone becoming biologically unavailable and dipping the libido, and the vegan has a more tricky time with this one. A main protein source for a lot of vegan diets is soy, and soy has high levels of phyto-oestrogens, which can also lower libido and interfere with the sex hormone balance.
Other nutrients to seek out particularly on a vegan diet (relating to keeping your mojo in full form) are arginine, B vitamins, omega 3’s, and Iodine.
Conversely, those not living a vegan life should be upping their vitamin A, C and E, and lowering their saturated fat and calories if they want to keep up with the sexual performance of a vegan.
I had a lover before I became vegan for six months. The taste of her and how healthy she was felt amazing. She ate properly, not in a restrictive, damaging way that people who don’t understand the dietary needs of the body do. After going down on her and tasting how clean she tasted, I just wanted to stay there and keep her cumming like that. I couldn’t stay vegan because of the smell and craving for meat though [Mr. C, vegan appreciator]
One of the stories one hears a lot is that vegans smell and taste better. A study by Havlicek and Lenchova examined the effect of meat elimination on body odour in young men. They found that women found their odour more attractive, pleasant and less intense without the meat (though they also found that intensity correlated to perceived masculinity and the sample was too small to be significant in most respects).
It’s well known that foods can flavour body fluids, from breast milk to semen. Coffee makes them bitter, meat makes them salty and fruits and chlorophyll from green plants makes them sweeter.
You see a beautiful vegan. You stare wistfully across the room, wondering how to charm them into joining you. What should you do?
James (24), who I’ll describe as a hot, sexy vegan, says:
I mean, to win over a vegan, it really is that simple. Buy them vegan snacks, the more obscure the better. All vegans know that hobnobs are vegan, but if you get them the Tescos ‘free-from’ vegan Rocky Road then it shows you went extra, and they’ll appreciate that. Take them out to the new vegan café/restaurant/whatever.
Any documentaries you can talk about, like ‘Cowspiracy’ or ‘What the Health’ or ‘Forks over Knives’ or ‘Earthlings’. Or ‘Blackfish’. Or ‘Okja’! Such a cute film. It’s a faux pas to try to defend the meat industry or make ‘lol bacon’ jokes. Or ‘I could never live without meat’ – yes, you could.
Some vegans might have the patience, a lot won’t. Definitely, supporting the cause. Anyone that’s gone vegan for ethical reasons, mainly animals, feels strongly about it.
How better to seduce a vegan than with a vegan love potion, created specially by the wonderful vegan chef Tytania Rose
LOVE POTION VEGAN SMOOTHIEAdd all ingredients, except the grated chocolate and pomegranate seeds, to a blender and serve immediately. Sprinkle the dark chocolate and pomegranate seeds to finish. Whipped cream for extra pleasure.
Avocados
High levels of vitamin E which makes the skin beautiful and alive, giving you that dewy sexy come-hither look.
Dark Chocolate
High levels of zinc that boost testosterone. It also spikes your dopamine levels, which induces feelings of pleasure.
Bananas and Pineapple
Contain bromelain, which is an enzyme which triggers testosterone production. It is also a great source of potassium and vitamin B which elevate energy levels.
Watermelon
The lycopene king. This nutrient has a Viagra-like effect on the body, as it improves circulation and relaxes the blood vessels.
Maca powder
A Brazilian superfood that comes from a berry, and has been known for centuries within tribal culture to increase the libido.
Cashew milk
Contains large amounts of zinc, which is a natural libido booster. It also increases testosterone in both women and men, therefore increasing your sexual desire…
Nutmeg
THE natural Viagra for women.
Pomegranate
Filled with antioxidants which support the blood flow…therefore it has a positive effect on erectile dysfunction.
Beets
Increases stamina and heart (love?) health…it is rich in nitrates, which help to reduce blood pressure and heart attack survival. In case things get a little out of hand and stuff.
Courtesy of Fouravocados.recipes
The reason why many condoms are not vegan-friendly is because they contain milk casein. Vegan condoms are now widely available online, however avoid perfumed vegan condoms which are not good for vagina or anal health.
Semen is fine, as veganism is all about exploitation, so as long as the man giving it is giving it willingly, there’s no exploitation. [Miss E, Vegan]
Having seduced your gorgeous vegan and brought them back to your boudoir (presumably well-fed), it’s now time to make sure your supplies are up to spec. Any self-respecting libertine of any gender should always have a great stock of attire, toys and accessories available for use, to meet the needs of your next wonderful play partner. Beyond ensuring you have lingerie options that aren’t made of leather or silk, give some thought to your condoms, sex toys and lube.
It’s always a good idea to have a variety of styles and sizes available. Even if you are blessed with a penis of your own, you should never assume your new play-friend won’t pull something out their bag (or underwear) that’s of substantially different dimensions. Best to just have covers that fit everything, all ready for use.
Firstly, everyone should have lubricant. Whether you think you’ll need it or not. It opens up a whole world of possibilities. Secondly, do not use coconut oil or any oil-based product with condoms!
Any libertine should be well versed in the correct use of a condom, and knows to keep away baby oil as it dissolves them in moments, but vegetable oils will as well.
Many oil-based products not designed for internal use can be difficult to clear naturally and can contribute to infections. Keep the lovely coconut oil for a sensual back massage, then wash your hands and switch to the good stuff when things get interesting.
There is such a variety of interesting lubes available that there should be a vegan option for every activity you might dream up, including Yes Water-based lubricant.
Don’t forget your vegan-friendly faux leather BDSM toys too, in case your vegan likes it kinky.
So, how does one seduce a vegan? Much the same way we would seduce anyone. Approach them, validate the things they find important. Feed them, show them they are appreciated by the thought you put into including them. By being prepared for them.
Happy vegan hunting
xxx
At Jo Divine we help many people, young and old, after their partner has died, who miss the physical intimacy and pleasure that they enjoyed with their partner, often for many many years.
Some often tell us how embarrassed they feel about buying a sex toy, others feel like they are betraying their partner, some tell us they have found a new partner. Some women begin to cry on the phone so we tell them to take their time and ask them about their partner if they want to talk about them. Many tell us how long they were married or with their partner, how many children they have, and how much they miss their partner.
We frequently find ourselves giggling together by the end of the call, and they tell us they feel much better, thanking us for taking the time to listen to them as they say they have never discussed this issue with their GP or family or been asked about it either.
One customer phoned to say thank you for the sex toy, she had been struggling with grief since the death of her partner 5 years ago and was considering counselling. However after using her sex toy on a regular basis, she found she was enjoying a better night’s sleep, her mood had lifted and she felt she no longer needed to explore counselling.
It can be hard when you have enjoyed frequent pleasurable sex with the same person for many years and it then stops abruptly. The loss of physical touch is something many people talk about and say they miss.
We know when we cuddle our body releases oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that encourages bonding and connection, the same hormone we release during orgasm.
Sex is in the media every day, we celebrate the fact that older people are continuing to enjoy great sex lives in whatever way they find pleasurable and some healthcare professionals promote having a good sex life as hugely beneficial to your physical and mental wellbeing.
Yet, “sexual bereavement” is rarely acknowledged in research or the press.
New research by Dr David Lee, a research fellow at Manchester University’s School of Social Sciences, and Professor Josie Tetley, using data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing found that people over the age of 80 still enjoy an active sex life (2017).
Desite this, a report published by the Department of Health in 2013, the National Service Framework for Older People, “makes no mention of the problems related to sexual issues older people may face,” despite research that many older people would like to continue to enjoy good sexual intimacy and pleasure, whatever their sexual identity or gender history.
Given that the population is growing older and living longer, more people will experience the death of a long term partner and some will experience sexual bereavement yet there have been almost no studies looking at this loss.
A review of literature of the bereavement experiences of lesbian,gay, bisexual and/or transgender people by Bristowe. K et al published in Palliative Medicine (Sept 2016) found that people who identify as LGBT may face additional barriers and anxiety when grieving the loss of a partner from their heterosexual or cisgender peers.
This may include where the relationship with the deceased is socially stigmatised, not recognised and accepted by family and friends or the attitude of healthcare professionals in making heteronormative assumptions.
A recent report from the Federal Interagency Forum on Ageing Related Statistics of Older Americans (2016) found that 40% of women over 65 were widowed in 2016. Yet much of the focus around enjoying sexual intimacy and pleasure has been aimed at sexual function in older people rather than the loss of a long term sexual relationship.
Dr Alice Radosh, a neurobiologist who lost her own husband when he was 50 and Linda Simkins co-authored a study, Acknowledging sexual bereavement : a path out of disenfranchised grief published in Reproductive Health Matters (2016).
Dr Radosh defines “Sexual Bereavement” as grief associated with losing sexual intimacy with a long term partner.
It is a disenfranchised grief, a grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned and publicly shared, a grief that no one talks about, leaving the bereaved unsupported with coping with this aspect of mourning.
“Studies have shown that people are still having and enjoying sex in their 60s, 70s and 80s,” Dr. Radosh said. “They consider their sexual relationship to be an extremely important part of their lives. But when one partner dies, it’s over.”
Rather than causing distress or discomfort to women who had been widowed their exploratory survey involved 104 women, aged 55 years and older in relationships, both heterosexual and lesbian.
A majority of participants were engaged in sexual activity with 40% enjoying sex once a week or more, 15% every two weeks, 11% once a month and 34% less frequently. 86% of all the participants said they enjoyed sex.
The ages range within the group was 55-65 (37%), 66-75 (57%) and 6 % were older than 75.
Almost 72% presumed they would miss sex if their partner dies with 53% saying they definitely would. Over a quarter (27%) said that sex was not something they would miss. Understandably the women who enjoyed more frequent sex said they would miss sex more (75%) than women who had sex once a month or less (26%).
Many of the women said they would want to talk about sex amongst their friends after their partner’s death with 67% indicating that they would probably initiate a discussion and 76% would want their friends to initiate the discussion with them.
Those women who enjoyed sex frequently were more likely to say they would initiate a discussion compared to women who had less frequent sex 79% compared to 54%. Also women enjoying more frequent sex would want their friends to initiate the conversation compared to those having less sex (85% v 64%)
Despite wishing that friends initiate a discussion more than half (57%) said it would not occur to them to discuss sexual bereavement with a friend with 34% saying even if it did occur to them, they would be too embarrassed.
Interestingly half the women said they thought they would raise the topic with women under 60 when they were widowed whereas only 26% would raise the issue with women in their 70’s and only 14% with women who were 80 or older.
Comments that came from this survey included that the majority of women would not be embarrassed if their friend raised the topic of sexual bereavement, it had made them aware of the lack of discussion around this subject and the importance of enjoying sex to those who have been widowed.
Whilst this study only surveyed women, we must not forget men who also experience sexual bereavement after the loss of a partner.
It take courage to find a new partner yet many people are frowned upon if this happens too soon after the death of a loved one, especially family and friends.
So why does society believe there is a suitable time limit for people to wait before entering a new relationship?
Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower says
“there is no time frame, we all process grief in our own time and in our own way. It may be a few months, a few years and it is important that you make up your own mind, not be told by friends and family that the time is right”.
A survey by Gransnet and Relate which looked at relationships after bereavement, divorce or separation found that nearly 2 years (22 months) was considered the appropriate length of time to wait after bereavement before starting a new relationships, although respondents said they actually waited nearly 4 years ( 44 months) before starting a new relationships after the death of a partner.
They also felt that men moved on more quickly after bereavement than women, a commonly held view yet not shared by some widowers. Abel Keogh says, “the desire for sex is one of the reasons widowers start dating again.” However there are plenty of widows who miss sex too.
The loss of companionship is huge for men and women.
In general, the majority of women have a better support community of friends to talk to whereas men don’t or struggle to open up with their male friends. Many men find it easier to talk to a woman about their emotions, something they have done with their partner which is probably one of the reasons they seem to begin dating earlier than women do in their grieving process in order to have someone to talk to.
Overwhelmingly 81% said they felt it was a taboo to discuss their new relationship with their children following the loss of their partner.
It can be difficult for children to accept their parent has found someone new and feel they are betraying the memory of the deceased partner. Many people struggle to negotiate their sexual relationships with a new partner just because of the attitude of their children which is very sad.
We know that many healthcare professionals struggle to talk to their patients about sex even though they recognise the numerous benefits of enjoying a healthy sex life, whatever that may be can boost your general wellbeing which is why it needs to be included in training and after bereavement to ensure people have the right help and support.
The inability to share aspects of grief can reduce the likelihood of receiving support yet the impact upon health both emotionally and physically can be huge. Studies have demonstrated that grief is frequently associated with physical and mental health issues.
This is why it is so important this conversation needs to become the norm within healthcare and society to help improve the health and wellbeing of people after bereavement, whatever their age, sex or sexual orientation.
Independent Age : www.independentage.org
Age UK : www.ageuk.org.uk
CRUSE : www.cruse.org.uk
Marie Curie : www.mariecurie.org.uk
The Good Men Project : www. goodmenproject.com
As a former Film and TV Student and general lover of of the Big Screen, I have one very big gripe when it comes to movies and programmes: unrealistic sex scenes.
That’s not to say that every time a sex scene crops up in something I’m watching I get out my notebook, analyse every frame and give it a grade at the end of it, but I will often scoff and point out what’s not realistic about what has just been depicted.
I should point out here that I’m largely talking about straight sex scenes. I’ve seen lots of videos and read articles on the unrealistic expectations of lesbian and gay sex in the media, but that is not my area of expertise. Thanks to Orange is the New Black, however, I think lesbian sex has been portrayed more accurately, dispelling the “scissoring” myth porn perpetuates.
One of my biggest gripes is how characters are ready for penetrative sex so quickly. I feel like this can have a damaging impact on people, whatever their age and level of sexual knowledge, as most people require some level of stimulation and lubrication in order to have intercourse.
For women, the natural level of lubrication differs depending on the menstrual cycle, and so while you may be mentally ready for sex, your body needs to catch up a bit first. Furthermore, if your partner is well-endowed or you have a narrow vagina, or a combination of the two, then you’re going to need to use lubricant and go slowly. Otherwise penetration will hurt and could actually cause some damage, such as vaginal tearing, which could lead to an infection.
Lubricant is also vital for anal sex, as the anus is not a self-lubricating organ. People experimenting with anal play who are not “in the know” about lubricant could be putting themselves at risk of a painful experience. Or, like the eponymous Fleabag, they could be left with questions about their own bodies.
If a younger person is getting their sex education from an inaccurate source such as porn, due to a lack of information provided in schools, then they will not be aware that lubricant is important for both male and female sexual health and pleasure.
This could also generate feelings of sexual inadequacy, as a young woman might feel that she is somehow abnormal for being unable to have penetrative sex and the click of her fingers, and her partner might feel like they’re not good enough at stimulating or arousing her.
There are certain medical problems that can be alleviated by using lubricants too. Issues such as vaginismus and vaginal dryness can also affect women at any age, and can also prevent penetration without some assistance.
It would be lovely to get jiggy at the drop of a hat, but for most women, and men for that matter, it’s quite difficult to go from naught to naughty in sixty seconds.
Of course there are scenes around that portrayal more realistic sex, but these are often for comedic effect. I do hold a certain fondness for awkward sex scenes, however, as I feel like these can be relatable. Think The Inbetweeners and Fresh Meat: we’ve all got at least one embarrassing sex story in our book of anecdotes, but these still don’t necessarily portray “real” sex in a normative way.
Another cliche that winds me up is how after sex, the couple slumps back onto the pillows, the duvet covering her chest just so, having climaxed simultaneously. In my view, there is an altogether flippant disregard of both the wet patch and her imminent UTI infection.
Having lived in a house of nine girls at uni, cystitis medication and cranberry juice was always in abundance. I fear that too many women learn the importance of the post-sex pee from experience rather than through education.
Urinating after sex flushes away bacteria from the urethra, helping to prevent UTIs developing. A post-sex pee also gives you a chance to mop up too, which may not be a nice thing to think about but it needs to be done!
I suppose you could say that sex on screen is like an edited version of sex in real life, and of course they are there for entertainment purposes and serve as plot devices, but there is a distinct lack in truly realistic sex scenes out there.
By realistic here, I don’t necessarily mean graphic. You could have a realistic sex scene without any nudity whatsoever if executed correctly. Of course nudity plays a part in real-life sex, but it doesn’t always have a place on TV. However, I think that realistic sex does.
I also think it’s important to have a diverse representation of people having sex, including different ethnicities, ages, genders, sexualities, disabilities and sizes. Recently I watched the Netflix series Easy, a show revolving around sex and relationships. While they had quite a diverse casting, the female characters were all extremely slim. I found this to be quite hypocritical as the male characters were all of varying body types, as if suggesting it’s ok for men but not for women to be a certain size. I definitely think there should have been a fairer representation of female bodies, not for “empowerment” purposes, but just to highlight what different bodies look like, and that larger women can enjoy sex too.
Fair and diverse representation of characters is important as the audience can identify more easily with someone who is like them in some way. It’s also important to present sex scenes as natural, rather than objectifying or demonising those involved. In this way, viewers will be reassured that their sexuality, wants and desires are normal.
In portraying more realistic and diverse sex scenes on TV, people in minority groups and younger people will learn that sex is more than just penetration, can take time and doesn’t have to meet a certain aesthetic to be good.
]]>In daily life I am a confident sexual woman who doesn’t blush when saying the word clitoris and has no problem telling the post office staff loudly that the parcel I’m sending contains a vibrator. I (so far) have shown over 500 people delicately shaded drawings of my vulva and sung about my sexual highs and lows onstage in 4 theatres. It seems I have zero worries telling a room of strangers about my enjoyment of sex, but when it comes to the person I’m actually having sex with this changes.
Admittedly there is a lot of sexual admin with me. I’ve experienced pain during sex for as long as I’ve been sexually active. This can mean I am often too worried about potential pain to be fully aroused or achieve orgasm. Over time I’ve learnt a few tricks, positions and strategies to make sex more enjoyable, but actually sharing these with a partner is a different story.
In an ideal world I’d whip out a fully animated Powerpoint presentation and project “The Guide to Sex with Fran” on my bedroom ceiling. Sadly, there never seems the right moment to power up a computer pre-sex.
The sad truth is there is still a stigma around a woman knowing what she wants and likes in bed and
knowing how to ask for it. Partners have been offended when they realised I wasn’t just going to trust their natural instincts and one who bought me a sex toy then got upset when I actually used it, annoyed that I was supplementing them in any way.
So where does that leave me? I am currently at the start of a potential sexual relationship. It’s exciting and perhaps the sex will be trouble free. I’ve been tempted to just not tell them about my challenges with pain and low desire and see what happens, but my gut tells me honesty is best.
So do we just lie back and think of England? As difficult as these conversations are they are
essential. I spent many years of my life “letting” and “allowing” partners to have the type of sex they wanted to have. I would lie there passively, acquiescing to what they wanted, providing them with what they asked for and giving reassuring “oooh” and “ahh” noises. I enjoyed that they were enjoying it and lived for the spooning afterwards.
We are too often told to not ask for what we want and to not be loud or bossy or visible. Asking for pleasure and demanding to be an equal part of the sexual experience is therefore an act of
sexual revolution.
This of course doesn’t make it any easier. I hope I can offer some reassurance that honest communication helps filter out partners who are not worth having. If someone doesn’t want to have a conversation about how to make sex enjoyable for you then this is definitely cause for concern.
I’m going to strive to have only honest conversations with my next sexual partner. Without honesty sex just won’t be what I want it to be and I’ll remain passive. Perhaps I’ll have a template feedback questionnaire ready just in case.
Fran Bushe is an award winning comedian and playwright. Her work has been performed at Soho Theatre, VAULT Festival, The Roundhouse, Southwark Playhouse and Pleasance Theatre.
“Relentlessly hilarious” – The Stage
@franbushe
]]>Research by the Eve Appeal, the UK’s leading gynaecological cancer charity (2019) found that poor quality and embarrassed conversations between healthcare professionals (HCPS) and patients is leading to delayed diagnosis.
Nearly half (47%) said that women not knowing the correct terminology for their reproductive anatomy to be able to explain what their symptoms were, could lead to a delay in diagnosis of a gynaecological cancer. 88% of medical professionals feel that helping patients to express their thoughts or clearly describe their symptoms results in better care.
Worryingly, 1 in 5 women (18%) agreed with statements saying a tampon would interfere with urination as they lack basic anatomical knowledge that menstruation and urination involve two different holes, the urethra and the vagina. This total rises to 43% of men which is why we need to educate everyone about gynaecological health.
These results show that we urgently need to change the way in which we address womens gynaecological health. This is why the GET LIPPY campaign provides women with the right information and confidence to talk clearly about their anatomy and signs and symptoms to help diagnosis of health issues, including menstrual and hormonal issues and the 5 gynaecological cancers.
Eve Appeal have created an easy to use Get Lippy checklist to help your doctor help you so you can get the most out of a short 10 minute appointment when you have a gynaecological issue, to help you know your body when something feels abnormal and to allay feelings of embarrassment, fear and lack of knowledge when you do make an appointment to see your GP.
You can also support research into gynaecological cancers by donating to Eve Appeal.
Previous research in (September 2016) by the Eve Appeal found that 93% of daughters said parents never discussed ‘women’s issues’ with them.
Nine out of 10 (93%) daughters said their parents never discussed gynaecological health issues with them when they were younger and 84% said their parents never discussed the female sexual anatomy.
Even more worrying, 1 in 7 mothers said they did not feel it is their role or duty to educate their daughter about gynaecological health, with the youngest generation of mums being the most reticent – just over a quarter (27%) agreed it was not their role to educate their daughters. The 2019 campaign was deisgned to get people to talk across the generations including children, parents, grandparents, aunt, uncles,god parents, adoptive parents and carers
Research conducted by the Eve Appeal 2017 found around one in six men know nothing about gynaecological health issues and don’t feel that they need to know, as it is a female issue.
They found that 50% of the 1,000 men surveyed were unable to identify the vulva, cervix, ovaries and Fallopian tubes on a diagram, similar to the number of women who were surveyed in 2016 with the same diagram which found that half of young women aged 16-25 couldn’t locate the vagina on a medical diagram. 65% of the women surveyed found it difficult to use the word vagina itself.
Team Eve asked all “Eves” and all the “Adams” in their lives from their partners, sons, dads, uncles, godfathers, grandads and male friends to be aware of the sign and symptoms associated with gynecological cancers. It’s not just a “female” thing, men need to encourage their loved ones to seek help if they notice anything abnormal.
Athena Laminsos CEO of the Eve Appeal told the Huff Post about a talk she gave starting her pitch about The Eve Appeal by asking a question: “How many of you are aware of prostate cancer and its signs or symptoms?” – about 95% of the room put their hands up.
She then asked the same question about womb cancer and only 5% of the room raised their hands. You would think she was talking to a room of men but there was actually only 1 man in the room, the rest were women so why did they know about prostate cancer but not womb cancer which is the 4th most common cancer to affect women in the UK?
In 2018 Eve Appeal campaigned to get Cancer on the Curriculum with the introduction of the new Relationships and Sex Education curriculum due to come into force in 2020. Independent research revealed two thirds of UK parents think children should be educated on cancer, and that nearly a third of parents feel uncomfortable talking about cancer with their own children. The research found that half of parents believe a cancer education awareness programme should include gynaecological awareness.
Public Health England (2018) published result from a survey of which found women struggle to talk about reproductive and gynaecological issues due to embarrassment. They found that of the 7,367 women surveyed, 31% had experienced severe reproductive health symptoms in the last 12 months, ranging from heavy menstrual bleeding to menopause, incontinence to infertility yet only 50 % sought medical advice. Many believe that these conditions and symptoms are normal, they have to live with them or there is no treatment yet so many of these issues impact upon daily living, relationships, and work life.
Despite sex being thrown in our face every day through the press, on social media and being happy at exposing our vulva to our beauty therapist when we go for a wax we still struggle to talk about our bodies because of embarrassment and the difficulty in using words like vagina, vulva, periods, discharge and lubrication or go for our smear test
Another factor is the fear that it may be something abnormal which is why getting it checked out is important because many symptoms are harmless and can be easily explained and treated to save you hours of worrying. Any abnormal bleeding should be checked and especially post menopausal bleeding.
However if it does feel abnormal for you, ask to be referred to a gynaecologist by your GP. Do not be tempted to use intimate hygiene products to “wash away” your sympotms. Many contain irritating ignredients which will exacerbate or mask your sympotms, not help them.
Many women assume that painful or heavy periods are the norm, lying curled on the floor in agony or having to use numerous menstrual products, leaking through clothing, avoiding wearing light clothes, flooding the mattress with blood and needing to take a day off every month to cope with symptoms is what all women do, yet this is abnormal and women need to seek medical advice. If you were bleeding abnormally from any other body part, you would seek medical advice yet when it comes to abnormal vaginal bleeding, many people simply ignore it.
It does not help when other women are not supportive. I heard some women including female managers saying they cannot understand why women complain so much about their periods, morning sickness, endometrial pain and menopause symptoms as they never had a problem and just got on with their life. So much for “sisterhood” when this lack of empathy from our gender exists!
Sadly many women say if they has been braver and sought treatment earlier they would not have required such invasive cancer treatment which has left a lasting impact upon their lives and health.
Cancer does not know your age, yet many younger people are dismissed as being too young to have that type of cancer. Whilst parameters have to exist when diagnosing people, doctors still need to keep in their mind, could this be cancer, rather than dismiss symptoms or misdiagnose their patient?
Lydia was 24 when she was diagnosed with womb cancer and Karen was also 24 when she was diagnosed with cervical cancer.
This group of people often get overlooked or ignored when it comes to accessing health advice and screening.
“You can register as male or female, but you can still only choose between these two options – you can’t say if you are transgender or non-binary,” explains Dr Kamilla Kamaruddin, a doctor who works for the National Health Service (NHS) and transgender woman. “So that’s quite difficult.”
Instead doctors must rely on their patient to tell them.
Even when doctors are well-informed, it can still be difficult for transgender people to access certain potentially life-saving interventions because of the systems that are in place. The gender you’re registered as also dictates which screening tests you are invited to, meaning that thousands of transgender men could be missing out on potentially life-saving cervical screening tests and breast examinations.
“In the UK, people are invited for cancer screenings based on whatever gender they’re registered as in their medical records,” says Alison Berner, an oncologist and part-time gender identity specialist.
This means that transgender men won’t be asked or know they need to attend screenings for breast and cervical cancer,
Better education and inclusive patient databases are needed to ensure healthcare is accessible to everyone regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
Better sex education in schools and universities can help to encourage young people become familiar and at ease when talking about their gynae health from periods, safe sex, vagina health to pornography.
The Public Health England (PHE) survey also found that those aged 25 to 34 were the least satisfied in bed, with 49 per cent complaining of a lack of sexual enjoyment. Many experienced difficulty communicating with their partner, unhappy relationships and sexually transmitted infections.
Sexual satisfaction was slighty higher for women aged 55 to 64 with less than 33% reporting an unfulfilled sex life. However, the survey did not include if this was because they were enjoying more sex or simply having less sex but enjoying more sexual satisfaction.
Dr Jane Dickson who is vice president of the Faculty of Sexual and Reproductive Healthcare, says:
“The importance of having a healthy, enjoyable sexual life cannot be overstated as this strongly contributes to general wellbeing”.
A healthy sex life offers numerous health benefits to both physical and mental wellbeing, yet women still struggle to enjoy sexual satisfaction as female pleasure is so often overlooked within healthcare.
Working with many healthcare professionals across the UK who recommend some of our sex toys and give out our health brochure to their patients to help them overcome gynaecological conditions and post surgery or cancer treatment we have many male customers calling and ordering products for their female partners to help them overcome sexual health issues to to enable them both to enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure together.
We often hear when a partner has encouraged their female partner to go to the GP to seek advice when they notice abnormal symptoms.
Gynaecological cancer doesn’t just impact upon the health of the woman but their family and friends too. We know that relationships break down when sex is no longer possible, it feels painful or couples just give trying to enjoy good sexual intimacy and pleasure because they aren’t offer any advice by their GP or consultant.
Many couples mourn the loss of their intimate relationship and end up living celibate lives which is so sad when sexual intimacy and pleasure is so beneficial to your physical and mental well-being.
It is so important for couples to talk to each other about how they feel, when sex feels uncomfortable or painful or why they are avoiding sex so they can seek medical advice.
Painful sex is a common problem yet many couple give up or the woman will endure it just so she can remain intimate.
There are so many reasons why sex may feel painful, the most common being vaginal dryness but there are a variety of gynaecological conditions that impact upon sexual intercourse such as vaginismus, vaginal atrophy, post childbirth scarring, hormonal changes and the impact of surgical or medical conditions.
Exploring new ways to pleasurable sex is a good ways for couples to communicate, and connect intimately even when penetrative sex is not possible. Sex is so much more than penetration, something many healthcare professionals overlook when advising their patients.
Being incontinent is not normal yet many women struggle daily with pelvic floor weakness.
We also need to make it easier for transpeople to access the care they need and feel comfortable when seeking medical advice. They may be missed when it comes to cervical screening appointments or the actual process itself can be triggering which is why HCPs need training in caring for anyone who has a vulva, cervix and vagina to ensure they seek medical advice.
Many gynaecological conditions impact on daily life from painful periods, symptoms of the menopause such as vaginal atrophy, endometriosis, premenstrual dysmorphic disorder (PMDD) the list is endless. Some women even have to give up work or are even dismissed due to their symptoms and many young girls miss days from school due to painful or heavy periods or period poverty as they cannot afford tampons or pads.
The hidden burden of reproductive health was particularly evident in the workplace. Focus groups undertaken as part of the study revealed that reproductive symptoms often affect women’s ability to carry out daily activities, but many conceal their symptoms from work colleagues.
Previous studies show that 12% of women have taken a day off work due to menopause symptoms and 59% have lied to their boss about the reasons for their absence. 1 in 5 take time off to deal with menopausal symptoms and 1 in 50 are on long term sick leave. In addition, the PHE survey revealed that 35% of women have experienced heavy menstrual bleeding, which previous evidence shows is associated with higher unemployment and absence from work.
Some women have to give up their employment because they cannot cope with their health issues in the workplace or are unable to concentrate on their work. This is such a great loss of experience, expertise and knowledge within the workforce.
Therefore we need an open conversation about reproductive/gynaecological health to educate both employers and employees so women feel confident about talking about their reasons for needing time off. Working with occupational health can help women manage their health issues at work to reduce the need to take time off, which in turn, improves working conditions, productivity and saves money for businesses too.
The PHE survey results will form the basis of a cross-governmental 5-year action plan on reproductive health.
We know when partners are involved and informed in their partner’s care and treatment their recovery is often quicker and they are more supported. Research by Ussher et al (2013) found that those couples with a close relationship prior to cancer were more successful at renegotiating their sexual relationship whatever their sexual orientation.
Supportive partners had a positive effect upon sexual intimacy which was hugely beneficial.
Recognising the inequalities in healthcare that many women face, the Department of Health and Social Care launched a Women’s Health Taskforce for England in November 2018.
Jackie Doyle-Price MP, Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Mental Health, Inequalities and Suicide, is jointly leading the Taskforce with Professor Lesley Regan, President of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG). RCOG welcomes the Taskforce, which will focus on significantly improving the health outcomes of girls and women in this country.
In December 2019 the #BetterforWomen report by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists and Faculty of Sexual and Reproductive Health was luanched at the House of Commons. Women are struggling to access vital sexual health and reproductive services, many live with gynae health issues that impact upon their daily life. Lesley Regan RCOG President says “ “If you get it right for women, you get it right for lots of other people,”.
There is a particular focus on prevention across three key stages in a woman’s life – child health and adolescence, young adulthood, and middle age and later life.
Both Jackie Doyle -Price and the RCOG both work with the Eve Appeal.
In May 2021 the Women’s Health Strategy: Call for Evidence was launched- a 14 week consultation period asking anyone with female reproductive organs for their views on women ehalth. The reuslt have yet to be published but hopefully will help to improve diagnosis, treatment research and access to womens health services.
Understanding and talking about gynae health is in the interests of everyone whatever your gender or sexual orientation. Knowing what is normal is important and could just save your life.
Useful Websites
The Eve Appeal:www.eveappeal.org.uk
GRACE: Gynae-Oncology Clinical Research and Excellence: www.grace-charity.org.uk
Womb Cancer Support : www.wombcancersupportuk.weebly.com
Jo’s Trust : www.jostrust.org.uk
Ovarian Cancer Action : www.ovarian.org.uk
Ovacome : www.ovacome.org.uk
Daisy Network : www.daisynetwork.org.uk
Menopause Support : www.menopausesupport.co.uk
Macmillan Cancer:www.macmillan.org.uk
Cancer Research UK:www.cancerresearchuk.org
The Royal Marsden:www.royalmarsden.nhs.uk
The Christie Hospital:www.christie.nhs.uk
Clic Sargent : www.clicsargent.org.uk
Trekstock : www.trekstock.com
Shine Cancer Support : www.shinecancersupport.org
Royal College of Obstetrics and Gynaecology- www.rcog.org.uk
Endometriosis UK : www.endometriosis-uk.org
The Vicious Cycle : viciouscyclepmdd.wordpress.com
National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome : www.pms.org.uk
Menopause in the Workplace : www.menopauseintheworkplace.co.uk
Lydia Brain was diagnosed with a inflammatory myofibroblastomic tumour in her uterus at the age of 24. Undergoing surgery she was put into a surgical menopause and is infertile. As an advocate and campaigners for GRACE and Trekstock champion she is using her experience to raise awareness about having womb cancer as a young woman, recognising the symptoms and why HCPs need to take notice of your symptoms whatever your age. You can follow Lydia @lid_jar
Cancer and Fertility : www.cancerandfertility.co.uk This has been set up by Becki McGuinness who was left infertile by aggressive cancer treatment when she was just 23-years-old. Now 30, she’s launching a national campaign to ensure women facing cancer are given all the fertility options she should have had
Many people blog about their experience of cervical cancer and I had the pleasure of meeting Karen Hobbs at her amazing comedy show “Tumour Has It” which takes you on her journey of having cervical cancer at the very young age of 24. The show made me laugh, cry and really think about what a person goes through when they get diagnosed with cancer. Even though I’ve cared for many people with cancer during my nursing career and have had family and friends who have had cancer, it is hard to put yourself in their shoes.
She also has a brilliant blog “quarterlifecancer.com”. Working with the Eve Appeal, Karen wants to educate all women about checking yourself for any abnormal signs and symptoms, seeking treatment as soon as possible and having a regular smear test so please read her blog and catch her show if you can.
]]>It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul, so when spotting a gorgeous man or woman across the room in a bar or at a nightclub, there are ways in which you can attract their attention by using that come hither look.
Our eyes can tell others what we are thinking and feeling. Men will openly stare at the person they are interested in, whereas women will let their eyes roam the room to see who is there but secretly keep an eye on the person they like.
When you are attracted to someone, your pupils dilate, especially in dim light which makes you appear more attractive to them. Lowering of your eyelashes and throwing small glances will keep them interested. Holding eye contact with them for slightly longer than necessary can increase intimacy. If they hold your gaze, you may be in luck!
If you are female, tossing your hair back will get you noticed as will twirling it in your fingers. If you have a complicated hairstyle which feels uncomfortable, avoid messing or fiddling with it. It will make you seem nervous.
You may not have the body of a supermodel but people are attracted to men and women of all shapes and sizes. Men like the whole package, but may notice you if you have a nice smile, funny giggle or generally seem happy. Women tend to notice your smile, sparkly eyes, toned bum or sexy voice.
Play up your assets like your hair, eyes smile or long legs rather than worrying that they have noticed your crooked teeth or wobbly thighs. Be assured most people don’t notice these things, they tend to focus on the positive aspects of your body and manner. women are just too critical about themselves.
Even if you have a curvy or larger body, wear clothes that fit rather than baggy clothing which will make you look bigger. Avoid drab colours, choose bright colours which suit your skin tone. Wear clothes that you feel comfortable in, there is nothing worse than feeling self conscious in a low cut top, tight dress or trousers that feel a little too snug if you are a man!
Invest in a pair of “Bridget Jones” knickers to hold it all in, you can wear your sexy lingerie when you’ve got your mate. Shape wear is a wonderful invention and will hide a multitude of flaws you think you may have and make your clothes fit better and look good.
Men are attracted to all parts of our bodies so while you obsess about feeling fat, he is concentrating on your sexy curves, beautiful smile, and kissable neck whether you’re male or female!
Men are self conscious about the way they look and often don’t realise you’ve noticed the gorgeous dimple in their cheek, deep rumbly laughter and firm thighs!
A little flesh on show like a shapely calf, glimpse of cleavage will be enough to wet his appetite and keep him wanting to find out what delectable secrets you have hidden under your clothes. Keeping your body under wraps will encourage him to use his imagination!
Red is my favourite colour and I have to say I do feel more sexier and attractive when I wear red, even if it is just red lingerie!
Try wearing red or putting on red lipstick. We know the Chris De Burgh song “Lady in Red” but is it true?
Studies have shown that women who wear red are seen as more attractive and more sexually desirable by men. A study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology (2010) found women perceive men to be more attractive and sexually desirable when seen on a red background and in red clothing.
A range of studies have also found that:
Red can make some people more confident so add some colour to your wardrobe.
It does when it comes to romance and height. Research by the University of Texas in 2014 found that the height of a potential partner is more important to women than men. Nearly 50% of the women polled wanted to date men taller than them(average height of women – 5 feet 4 inches) whereas only 13% of men wanted to date women shorter than them (average height of men – 5 feet 8 inches).
Reasons for this included being able to hold hands comfortably, feeling secure and delicate, being able to reach up to hug their man and being able to wear heels and still be shorter.
Interesting research reported in PlosOne (2014) found that in same sex relationships men that preferred a more dominant and more “active” sexual role preferred shorter partners, whereas those that preferred a more submissive and more “passive” sexual role preferred taller partners. Preferences surrounding relative height in homosexual men are modulated by their own height, preferred dominance and sex role and is in complete contrast to height preferences of heterosexual men and women.
A 2009 Australian study found that taller men are able to earn more money than their shorter counterparts because they are perceived to be more intelligent and powerful. They could earn $950 for every 5 centimetres of height!
A 2011 study found that shorter people can perceive themselves to be taller when they hold a position of power!
Take note, men, if you want a woman to remember you or what you saying, speak in a low pitch voice.
Research at the University of Aberdeen in 2011 found that a deep male voice is important for both choice of partner and accuracy of the female memory. The results revealed that women had a stronger preference for a low pitched male voice and could recall a list of objects more accurately when they were read out by a deep male voice.
Memory in women is sensitive to male voice pitch which plays an important part when choosing a mate as it can indicate genetic quality as well as revealing unattractive antisocial traits and lack of emotional warmth, both undesirable in a long term partner.
]]>Recent research, analysing data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, by Manchester University’s School of Social Science fellow Dr David Lee, and Professor Jodie Tetley has found that people over the age of 80 are enjoying an active sex life (2017).
This idea may seem surprising to many younger people, as there is somewhat of a generalisation that there is a point in our lives when we simply stop having sex because of age. Thanks to medical and scientific advances, people are living longer, healthier lifestyles that allow for them to enjoy good sex lives in later life.
People often assume that the term “sex” is limited to penis-in-vagina penetration, when this simply isn’t the case. Sex refers to all aspects of sex play, including mutual masturbation and oral sex.
Having the benefit of longevity on their side, older people in long term relationships, or who have experimented with several partners, have had the opportunity to explore their sexualities in new ways. Learning from experience can help create a good sexual knowledge, and for older people who may not be able to have penetrative sex due to health implications, can use this knowledge to enjoy good sex in alternative ways.
For many people, sex in later life is the first time that they don’t have to consider using contraception. Menopausal women and women beyond the menopause have no fear of getting pregnant without taking the pill or having an IUD.
Couples in which the man has had a vasectomy are also able to have sex without fear of pregnancy too. This freedom can allow for an older couple to have sex as much as they want, whenever they want!
However, older people experimenting with new partners need to be using condoms to prevent STIs from spreading.
Practice makes perfect, and that’s certainly the case when it comes to sex and relationships! That’s not to say that older people have necessarily had sex with lots of people, but with age comes experience.
Exploring your own body through masturbation, whether that be manually or with a sex toy, will allow you to better understand how to achieve an orgasm. You can then pass on this knowledge to your partner during sex play by either showing them or telling them how you like to be touched.
Knowing what works for you or your partner sexually doesn’t happen overnight; overtime, you get to know each other’s bodies and how you like, or dislike, being stimulated.
Even though your body changes over time, from penis shrinkage, erectile dysfunction to vaginal dryness, there are many ways to continue to enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure
For those who think retirement years are spent playing golf or taking up knitting, think again!
In his 2014 book Generation Me, Dr Jean Twenge from San Diego State University suggests that younger people work longer hours, often live with their parents for longer or are in a shared housing environment, and are therefore self conscious of being overheard having sex.
This then infers that older people are able to enjoy more sex as they are less likely to live with roommates, and have more time on their hands thanks to retirement. With a greater chance of enjoying sex uninterrupted, this gives older people an opportunity to reconnect with their partners, experiment sexually and maintain a level of intimacy that was previously harder to achieve.
From body image to asking for what you want when it comes to sex, ageing can boost your confidence.
People of any age experiment sexually, but poor sexual knowledge through a lack of sex education or experience could hold someone back. Younger people who are turning to porn for their sex education could be left with a confused understanding of sex and relationships; while older people may not necessarily have a better sex education, the benefit of experience arguably leads to a better understanding of their own bodies and desires.
A new lease of life after retirement may also encourage people to experiment sexually with new positions, sex toys and even bondage. As an older person or couple interested in maintaining a good sex life, having more time to spend exploring new ideas is a great way to spend quality time together.
By encouraging people to talk more openly about sex in a positive way, then perhaps we can finally put the taboo of older people enjoying sex to rest. After all, our oldest customer is 95!
]]>Published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2011 a survey which polled more than 2000 women and 1000 men aged between 18-60 years found that most men viewed their partner’s vibrator use as healthy and 82% agreed that it enhanced their sexual relationship.
However 35% felt their partner was too dependant on their sex toys for pleasure, 25% found their partner’s sex toy use embarrassing and 30% admitted to feeling intimidated by a woman who owned a sex toy.
Vibrator anxiety is real, with men believing that their partner’s vibrator will replace them and is often attributed to traditional rigid expectations surrounding gender roles. Being able to make a woman orgasm is seen as a sign of masculine achievement and the more masculine a man is, the more women have orgasms with him, which, many women will know, simply is not true.
Genital self esteem is another issue. Even though numerous surveys show that women aren’t concerned about how big their partner’s penis is, many men worry about their size, girth, ability to have and maintain an erection and ejaculating too quickly.
A study of over 14,000 men and women by Dr Kristen Mark, Assistant professor of Health Promotion at University of Kentucky, revealed that it’s not about your size, but what you do with it. He found that 45% of men wanted a bigger penis, yet 66% of all respondents agreed that size didn’t matter, whereas performance and creativity did
These fears can erode men’s confidence in their sexual performance, especially when faced with a vibrator designed to sexually stimulate in a way they are unable to.
Yet we know that sex toys can solve the orgasm gap. Research published in a 2017 Archives of Sexual Behaviour study found that only 65% of heterosexual women said they usually or always had an orgasm during sex compared to 95% of men. 70% of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, which is often lacking during penetrative sex which is why using a small bullet style sex toy during intercourse can help a woman to orgasm or when incorporated into foreplay.
Research by Kinsey (2014) found that gay women orgasmed more often than their straight friends. Research by Nichols (2013) found that heterosexual women don’t expect to have an orgasm, while women in gay relationships expect to orgasm every time. So if the expectation is that both partners will orgasm, time and effort is spent during foreplay and oral sex to make sure it happens.
Many women would love to try a sex toy but do not want to upset their partner so continue to miss out on enjoying orgasms or use their sex toy in secret. This can lead to feeling of guilt on their part and decreased sexual satisfaction when they have sexual intercourse with their partner because they know if they could use their sex toy during intercourse they would orgasm.
This can also go the other way with men wishing to incorporate a sex toy into their relationship but are worried about offending their female partner.
If you struggle with your partner using a sex toy, talk to them about why you feel anxious about its use and ask them why they use one.
You may discover that she has been faking her orgasms because she is unable to have an orgasm during penetrative sex. Many women fake their orgasms to make their partner feel better or to end sex faster, yet this benefits no one. They continue to feel frustrated and the man believes he is giving her an orgasm when he is not!
Women need to be honest with their partners and stop faking their orgasms too. There are many reasons why women struggle to orgasm including lack of knowledge about how to have an orgasm, lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse, side effects of medication, medical treatments or conditions and often using a sex toy can help them to enjoy pleasurable orgasms.
This is a great idea and can help to dispel any feeling of inadequacy, especially as many sex toys do not look like a penis. Any man who has an issue with a small bullet style vibrator has bigger problems about his own genital self esteem and should seek psychosexual therapy.
If it is a huge realistic penis shaped sex toy, feeling anxious is completely understandable and perhaps your partner is searching for something you may not be able to offer. If she wants a partner with a larger penis, you can try using constriction rings which can make erections feel bigger and last longer too.
However, the design of many sex toys has shifted away from phallic, penis shaped products to beautifully crafted sex toys that don’t even look like a traditional sex toy which all go a long way to easing anxiety in men as there is nothing to compare their penis with.
Most men are happy to incorporate sex toys into their sex play when they realise that they are not being replaced! Watching your partner use their sex toy can be arousing and a great way to learn how they enjoy being touched and how you can bring them to orgasm. Men need guidance in how to stimulate women so they enjoy better sexual stimulation and more frequent orgasms.
By improving your sexual technique, you may find that your partner doesn’t need to use her sex toy every time you have sex, especially if you are able to give her an orgasm. It may be something you leave in the bedside drawer and use when the need takes you.
Have fun using it on the end of your penis, you’ll quickly realise how pleasurable it feels and what it can do for your partner too. Encourage them to use it during foreplay or intercourse, especially if it is a small clitoral stimulator you can slip between you.
Using sex toys can benefit your own sexual pleasure as women who masturbate in partnered relationships report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and more frequent intercourse.
Studies conducted at Indiana University in USA in 2009 found that vibrator use is associated with improved sexual function, satisfaction and frequency of orgasms and being more proactive about sexual health.
Remember sex toys are not just for women, there are many products for men that can enhance your sexual function and pleasure and for couples play.
Despite the media reporting of the rise of sex robots and orgasm machines, we still have a long way to go to discover ways to replace the experience of having sex.
Women have been using sex toys for many years, yet still pursue relationships with men.
Sex toys are fun, increase your sexual pleasure and make your sex life more adventurous. However, your sex life and sexual relationship is much more than a physical act, it is about intimacy, something you can never replace with a sex toy.
So overcome your vibrator fear, talk to your partner about her sex toy, understand why she likes using it and perhaps even buy one for yourself. After all she is having lots of fun, and so should you!
]]>A misconception that rears its ugly head every now and then among bloggers and Women’s Magazines is that Kegel Balls, also known as Ben Wa Balls, will make you have an orgasm. This also happens to be a misconception that really gets on my nerves.
By all means, please buy and use Kegel Exercise Balls. Strengthening your pelvic floor is so important to your health and sexual pleasure, but Exercise Balls are for just that: exercise.
Kegel Balls work by toning your pelvic floor muscles; inserting the weighted balls will encourage you to clench your PC muscles to hold them in place. Having toned vaginal muscles makes the sensations during sex more intense, and your orgasms are stronger as a result because the vaginal contraction will be greater.
If articles and reviews that women read are pedaling this modern myth that Kegels will make you climax, this can be really damaging for both sexual health and esteem.
A woman might think that there’s something wrong with her physically when she doesn’t orgasm using Kegel Balls, and then may be put off using them ever again. She might even discourage her friends from using them too, saying that Kegel Balls don’t work, when in fact they do, just not in the way she was expecting.
This could have a really negative effect on women’s sexual health, as using Kegel Balls can improve your continence, meaning no urinating when sneezing, a common issue that many women think that they simply have to “put up with” after childbirth or with age.
We need to be teaching women about exercising their pelvic floors at an earlier age, as many women only learn about them after pregnancy. However, we should really be teaching younger people about Kegel Exercises during SRE or Sex Education, otherwise women will read misinformed advice in Women’s Magazines and take it on board as fact.
If women aren’t properly informed about how Kegel Balls work, and how to properly exercise their pelvic floors, then this will be incredibly detrimental to their health.
Journalists and bloggers need to properly research products before reviewing them too, as they are a mouthpiece for women and women’s health. In 2015 when manufacturer LELO released their Luna Smart Bead, several journalists claimed that they were disappointed that they didn’t orgasm when using the product.
When used internally to tone the pelvic floor, the Smart Bead is not intended to induce orgasms, as we highlighted in our video product review. The Smart Bead can be used as a clitoral stimulator, which could give women orgasms, but essentially the bead is a mini-personal trainer thanks to its in-built exercise routines.
While Ben Wa or Kegel Balls are not intended to deliver orgasms, that’s not to say you can’t incorporate them into your sex play. Some women may find the sensation of traditional Kegel Balls knocking against each other arousing, but when the pelvic floor muscles are already engaged, you could actually do some damage trying to have an orgasm at the same time.
What’s more, by practising your Kegel Exercises can help to increase your natural lubrication by promoting healthy function in the vaginal tissue. Any form of exercising can improve the blood flow to the genitals, which also helps to increase vaginal lubrication too. In this sense, a woman may feel aroused when using Kegel Balls because of her body’s natural response to using them, but she still won’t achieve an orgasm.
While the promise of stronger orgasms may have some women furiously clenching their PC muscles for hours on end, it’s important to note that overworking your pelvic floor muscles could lead to pain in the lower back, pelvic region and during or after penetrative sex.
There are products available that have in-built training programmes to help you tone your pelvic floor, such as the aforementioned LELO Smart Bead, as well as E-Stim vibrators from Mystim. Using vibrations and electro-stimulation respectively to indicate when you should clench your PC muscles, these are great products to ensure that you are exercising your muscles correctly. The added bonus of E-Stim vibrators, of course, is that after you’ve done your workout, you can turn off the training programme and use it like a normal vibrator, and it’s perfectly safe for you to attempt to have or achieve an orgasm in this way.
Perhaps the confusion around Kegel Exercise Balls comes (no pun intended) from the fact that they are sold by sex toy companies and are labelled as “sex toys”, the inference there being you should be using them for or during sex.
As we believe sexual health and pleasure go hand in hand, here at Jo Divine we clearly market Kegel Exercise Balls for health purposes, and have even included them in our specifically created Health Brochure, which is available on request.
If we encourage people of any age to talk about sexual issues in a practical, sensible way, then perhaps we can put these unfounded myths to bed.
]]>Having gone to a state school myself, I was surprised to find out that this wasn’t typical of Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) across the country. More often than not, SRE guidelines are not being implemented and our sex education is being massively undervalued. In fact, I would argue that even my above-average SRE was lacking in that it didn’t promote how fun and enjoyable sex can (and should) be.
If you take a look at the Secretary of State’s Sex and Relationships Education Guidance you’ll see that the main issues that the government want to be discussed in SRE are puberty, menstruation, contraception, abortion and STIs – all important issues that I’m glad to have learned about from an early age. However, especially in my own experience, there’s also a lot of emphasis on the reproductive system – labelling it, understanding its processes and functions as well as how these change during pregnancy.
One thing that didn’t raise any alarm bells in my head at the time (but definitely does now) is that we never talked about external sex organs. To this day, I have friends that think that “vulva” and “vagina” are synonyms and that most females have two genital orifices – not three. Even now, I have friends who don’t know where their own clitoris is. Nobody thought to tell us about the only organ in the human body whose sole purpose is to give sexual pleasure. None of us were ever told that we were meant to find sex pleasurable.
My male friends had similar experiences. Their SRE lessons were almost entirely based around changes they would experience during puberty and their overall health growing up: nocturnal emissions, body hair, mental health and sexual orientation. Yet with 93% of males under the age of 18 watching porn, where male genital enhancement surgery is more than common, not once were realistic body image expectations discussed in SRE. Because of this, so many young people are faced with feelings of sexual inadequacy and shame because they believe that their bodies are below-average.
Porn also promotes ideas of reaching orgasm via penetration leading our society to become obsessed with penis-in-vagina sex. When 70% of women can only orgasm via clitoral stimulation and the majority of the remaining 30% are being clitorally stimulated, our beliefs surrounding the “vaginal” orgasm couldn’t be less accurate. So, more often than not, when young people are watching porn and believing that this is how sexual pleasure is meant to be achieved, they’re being left with unrealistic expectations and unsatisfactory sex. This idea applies to all sexual partners (regardless of their genitalia): if we’re not teaching about the sexual pleasure of all people, partners struggle to know how to give someone else pleasure.
Since the 1950s, when the contraceptive pill was put on the market, the role sex plays in our adult lives has come to be intrinsically linked to feeling pleasure. Sex no longer has to lead to pregnancy and statistics show that the vast majority of people having sex in our society are doing so without the intention of getting pregnant. We’re doing so to feel closer to one another and, ultimately, to orgasm – to feel good.
However, the belief that having sex for the first time is painful is one that runs riot in schools. The idea that you will bleed or that ‘sex is terrible until your twenties’ is consistently perpetuated by the media and consistently not addressed in SRE. Whilst it is true that sex can (and does) hurt for many people for a variety of different reasons (stress, hormonal changes and sex that is too rough to name a few), we shouldn’t let it be an expectation or a norm.
Women in particular are particularly vulnerable to these myths as they constantly hear that they should expect to bleed during sex and that the female orgasm is “rare.” By allowing young people to believe that sex hurts, we are setting them up for unhealthy relationships with one another and with their bodies. By ignoring the pleasure-giving nature of sex, we’re perpetuating old-fashioned attitudes towards sex and leading young people (young girls especially) that their own sexual satisfaction is unachievable.
In addition to this, by teaching sex education through the lens of reproduction, we’re choosing to ignore the sexual behaviour of so many people across the UK. The LGBT+ community, post-menopausal females, those who are unable to conceive : are their sexual experiences irrelevant? If we’re trying to give “inclusive” SRE to young people, this must be addressed.
SRE lessons are a brilliant platform that should be used to promote the wellbeing of young people.
The most important message that we can get across to them is sex-positivity: open and tolerant attitudes towards sex; a big part of which should be that sex should feel good. I also believe that there are ways of doing this without actively encouraging sexual behaviour in young people: the idea that sex is pleasurable should be firmly attached to ideas of respect, maturity and fighting peer pressure.
In addition, SRE lessons offer us a way to give people the power to combat their sexual difficulties. For example, we should acknowledge reasons as to why someone might experience pain in relation to sex and we should give them advice and solutions to combat this.
In doing this, in teaching young people that sex should be a healthy and enjoyable part of a relationship, we can give them the power to have positive relationships and fulfilling sex lives if and when the time comes.
Currently studying French at the University of London Institute in Paris, Eleanor Pearson is a sexual health enthusiast and writer. As well as managing her blog, Sexclusive, she has written for American sexual health magazine, Sex, Etc., since 2016.
]]>We know that sex and masturbation are good for you, yet many healthcare professionals struggle to talk about this subject with their patients, some “medicalise it”:“articles/perspectives/why-do-some-healthcare-professionals-medicalise-sex because they cannot think beyond their training or tell them “ it’s normal”:articles/perspectives/stop-telling-women-its-normal.
However there are some amazing medical professionals who recognise the importance of sexual intimacy and pleasure and how it can improve the general health of their patients.
Dr Stephanie deGiorgio, a GP based in Kent, kindly gave this interview to discuss how she is improving the sex lives of her patients
I like talking about sex with my patients. They come to see me quite frequently with sexual issues, for me to work out if there is a medical problem causing the symptoms and to see if they can be helped.
I tend to see mostly women in my surgeries and the problems can include painful penetrative sex, inability to orgasm and lack of sexual desire all of which have a multitude of causes.
The inadequacies of a 10 minute appointment don’t make long conversations possible but what I hope to be able to do, alongside the medical stuff, is normalise the conversation around sex for the person seeing me. The embarrassment factor often stops people asking for help and it is really important that I, as their doctor, am comfortable discussing these things.
One area that I sometimes end up talking about with the person seeing me is the use of sex toys. Sometimes they bring the subject up and sometimes I do. You can imagine though, I have to judge this one carefully and I don’t start the appointment with “have you ever thought about using a vibrator…?” not everyone wants to discuss it and it would make for an interesting complaint letter. Sometimes this is met with an embarrassed giggle or a look of surprise (and occasionally ends there) but often we end up having a really useful conversation.
Women who are experiencing painful sex or struggling with lack of sex drive (there are many reasons for both) often end up avoiding physical contact and finding ways for them to enjoy the feelings of sexual stimulation again is important. Some may require psychosexual therapy, others need some guidance on what may be useful to them. Different sex toys can help them to re-learn, in a controlled way, what feels good and just how good it can feel.
For women who have problems with vaginal penetration, it is possible to prescribe a vaginal dilator kit on the NHS. These can work for some people, but they can seem quite clinical and so I will often direct women to either an online retailer or a shop to search out the appropriate sized vibrator.
For some women who don’t want or aren’t ready for vaginal penetration, then a wide range of clitoral vibrators are available which can be used to re-learn how to feel pleasure. They can also be used on other parts of the body to get used to pleasurable physical stimulation before heading anywhere near the clitoris and can be used alone or with a partner.
The key for me when discussing these things with patients is that I have to know what I am talking about and so I have made sure I do and can talk about it all confidently and with no awkwardness. This frees the patient up to do speak openly.
Not all GPs are able to or want to do this, which is absolutely fine (I don’t like dealing with eyeballs and feet much) so it is probably worth people discussing with the receptionist which GP would be best to talk to about a sexual problem. Despite their reputation, they are a wise bunch and will know which doctor someone should see.
The professional satisfaction that comes from someone coming back to tell me how much fun they are having is immense. Our sex lives can be so important to us and having a light-hearted but important discussion about something like sex toys in my GP surgery can make a massive difference to my patients. Long may the times continue for me to be able to do this.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Dr deGiorgio. It is so refreshing to hear about her work and her interest in helping her patients enjoy good sexual intimacy and pleasure. At Jo Divine I work with amazing healthcare professionals such as womens health physiotherapists, clinical nurse specialists and gynaecologists who discuss sexual issues with their patients and who recommend our sex toys and give out our health brochure in their clinics.
The medical profession is slowly taking note that sex is important to many people and enjoying a good sex life can improve your general physical and mental well-being and Dr deGiorgio is leading the way with her work.
]]>Sexual intimacy and pleasure are often overlooked by healthcare professionals (HCPs) due to embarrassment, preconceived ideas about who should be having sex and personal views about the subject. Yet sex is important to so many people and when they have sexual issues, finding ways to overcome them is important to enjoying a good life.
There are some amazing HCPs who care about your sex life and recognise the health benefits of enjoying sex and having an orgasm offers.
As a former nurse, co-founder of online sex toy company Jo Divine and someone who has overcome sexual health issues because I enjoy sex too, I write my sexual health and pleasure articles to offer practical advice.
This came about from the conversations we have with our customers who tell us about the poor or nonexistent advice being given by their GP or consultant when they have a sexual problem. Many tell us they are often told they have to live with their problem, to give up on their sex life or that they are too old. This is why many come to us to buy a sex toy to enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure in whatever way they can.
A 2012 paper, “Why don’t healthcare professionals talk about sex?”, found that only 6% of practitioners initiated discussions about sexual health problems on a regular basis.
Many of those who do discuss sexual problems with their patients rarely offer simple, common sense solutions, such as prescribing a sexual lubricant or suggest using a sex toy. Instead they refer them for sex therapy, for which there is often a long wait, or prescribe medication or some medical device that is often ineffective and patients will not use. Using a sex toy is much more fun than popping a pill and few side effects!
Many people, young and old, struggle to regain their sex life following cancer treatment, especially breast, gynaecological and prostate cancer because they get little or no advice about ways to enjoy sex again.
In 2015 The Academy of Medical Royal Colleges published guidelines which recommended sex as as a form of exercise and many GPs say they wish they could prescribe sex and masturbation because they recognise the benefits it brings to health from having regular orgasms to preventing erectile dysfunction.
“Use it or lose it” is a commonly used phrase but completely true when it comes to sexual function.
In March 2017 Cochrane UK launched a blog campaign on Evidently Cochrane called The Problem With Sex. The Cochrane reviews revealed the lack of relevant and reliable evidence for those experiencing sexual difficulties associated with chronic health conditions and treatments, highlighting the lack of medical research into sexual issues and that HCPs don’t talk about sex.
Recent research by Leeds University published in the Lancet Oncology journal (2019), found 81 per cent of men were left with poor sexual function after their treatment.
There are many treatments for impotence, including cheap and effective pills, using penis pumps and suitable sex toys, yet 56 per cent of men in the study received no intervention or support at all.
Research from Breast Cancer Care (2018) has found that eight in 10 women diagnosed with breast cancer say they are unhappy with their sex lives after undergoing treatment. 83% of those surveyed had been diagnosed over three years ago, suggesting that some women continue to struggle for a long time without support.
In 2015 we were invited to Tunbridge Wells Hospital at the request of Consultant Urogynaecologist, Dr Alex Slack and Women’s Health Physiotherapist (WHPT), Pip Salmon, to show them suitable sex toys they could recommend to their patients to help them overcome sexual problems and enjoy sex again.
As a result of this conversation we created a health brochure containing sex toys, lubricants and pelvic floor exercisers that can help with a whole range of gynaecological problems such as vaginal tightness, vaginal dryness, postoperative scarring, decreased sexual sensations and symptoms of the menopause.
Recognising the benefits of sex toys for sexual health and wellbeing, Dr Alex Slack says he treats many of his patients so they can enjoy sex again which is such a refreshing attitude but not a commonly held view. He even struggles with the attitude of some of his colleagues about sexual issues.
“If you don’t use it, you lose it”. It is important to stay healthy and of course happy. Maintaining a good healthy sex life helps to keep the pelvic floor strong, prevents incontinence and prolapse as well as keeping the circulation going to prevent atrophy and associated problems. If sex toys help you achieve this and they are giving you pleasure they have to be a good thing”. Pip Salmon WHPT
The health brochure is being given out by many healthcare professionals across the UK including women’s health and men’s health physiotherapists who are one of the most innovative, proactive group of HCPs I have ever worked with; they are brilliant. Many recommend our website as a resource for sexual health advice and products which they know help their patients.
“I often try to get my sexual health patients to use a vibrator instead of a standard dilator. They (hopefully) already associate the vibrator with pleasure, which can be a significant help with their recovery from vaginismus/dyspareunia. We know from the research that low frequency vibrations can be sedative for the pelvic floor muscles, whereas higher frequencies are more stimulating. After all, the goal of my sexual rehab clients is to return to sexual pleasure, not just to ‘tolerate’ the presence of something in their vagina!” (Michelle Lyons, co-founders of the Women’s Health Physiotherapy Group and Womens Health physiotherapist)
Often people feel their body is being hijacked by their illness or disease such as cancer and being able to enjoy sexual pleasure is something they can take back control of beyond popping a pill and using a sex toy is much more fun and has far fewer side effects than medication!
“Samantha’s products and information has been a life changer for many of my patients. Her web site is definitely one worthy of a view and also to signpost patients/clients to. Your website is a god send as far as I’m concerned!! Most of my patients don’t want to look at the likes of Ann Summers, they want good honest reviews of products with articles they can relate to….. really well done!” Aisling Burke WH physio
Dr Louise Newson is a GP and medical writer with a particular interest in menopause says
bq. “Most of my patients do not have sex any more – such a shame. They change once their HRT is right though. I am amazed how few women have sex and put up with it. Also don’t know how their husbands cope. They also often say they have never been asked about sex by anyone before and are pleased to have the opportunity to talk about it. I usually recommend Jo Divine”
Dr Hannah Short is a GP in Suffolk with a particular interest in women’s health and said,
“Need to let you know that ++ patients have been enormously grateful for the varied articles on your website. They’ve found them incredibly helpful, reassuring and less alone/isolated. Thank you for your work – it’s much appreciated, I can assure you!” (via twitter)
Dr Stephanie DeGiorgio, a GP in Kent who enjoys talking about sex and recommending suitable sex toys to her patients says,
“The professional satisfaction that comes from someone coming back to tell me how much fun they are having is immense. Our sex lives can be so important to us and having a lighthearted but important discussion about something like sex toys in my GP surgery can make a massive difference to my patients. Long may the times continue for me to be able to do this”.
On a fun note but practical note our health brochures are being given out in goody bags and she has some sex toys as prizes at the Edinburgh Fringe this year by Gussie Grips (aka Elaine Miller, a women’s health physiotherapist) whose comedy show about the pelvic floor both educates and entertains people at the same time. She says,
“It’s so important to have links between medical professionals and industry- I think you are unique” referring to the articles I write and how we normalise sex, not medicalise it.
From the GPs telling their patients to “buy one of these” in our health brochure to the physiotherapists printing out our articles for their patients who are not online but will benefit from having an informative article to read, we are lucky to work with such amazing healthcare professionals who care about their patient’s sex lives and offer help and advice beyond the confines of medicine and their training to make this possible.
]]>Owning a sex toy company has made me realise I should never make assumptions about a customer and their knowledge about sex, their own body, their sexuality or gender.
As a sex toy retailer, we have a responsibility to ensure that all our customers are fully informed about what they are buying and how it can help their sexual health and pleasure. The obsession with sex in the media tells us that we all must be experts, but then shames us when we admit to be lacking in sex education. So much sex advice in the media is contradictory, people just want good, practical advice. I often feel that we need sex education for adults in addition to teaching our children.
Some of our customers at Jo Divine come to us after receiving little or no help from their GP for a sexual health problem and we are more than happy to guide them through our products to find the best one suited to their needs. Some have only a basic awareness of their anatomy, perhaps from a lack of sex education in the past or through shame, and they often feel embarrassed about purchasing a sex toy.
We often find healthcare professionals medicalise sex because it is not part of training and they have no idea what to say, recommend or are too embarrassed to traise the topic with their patients, many assume that some people are not having sex because of their age, disability, illness, disease too.
Often people who have a disability find they are dismissed for wanting to enjoy pleasurable sex which is why we offer so much practical advice for those with a disability, both seen and invisible, health condition, illness, disease and older people too.
Sometimes they want to buy a product which is totally unsuitable for them and go away having bought a product we know will bring them more sexual satisfaction and pleasure. Many customers are buying a sex toy for the first time and are unsure about what they should buy. Some are unsure how to use a sex toy.
Some women have not had penetrative sex for many years or may experience vaginal dryness or atrophy so we always advise they choose a slim sex toy to begin with and take their time using plenty of sexual lubricant.
We help many people, young and old, after their partner has died who are experiencing sexual bereavement, missing the physical intimacy and pleasure that they enjoyed with their partner, often for many many years. Some often tell us how embarrassed they feel about buying a sex toy, others feel like they are betraying their partner. Some customers, especially women begin to cry on the phone so we tell them to take their time and ask them about their partner if they want to talk about them. We frequently find oursleves giggling together by the end of the call, and they tell us they feel much better, thanking us for taking the time to listen to them.
Some come to our website in search of a product to help with their sexual problems. They may have a disability, have had an injury, heart attack or suffer with another health condition, such as Multiple Sclerosis, which restricts their sex life in some way.
Many men experience erectile dysfunction and find that medication either does not work for them or it does not produce a satisfactory erection. This is when suitable male sex toys and the Bathmate Hydromax can really help.
We advise many people who have /have had cancer including breast cancer, womb cancer, cervical cancer, vulval cancer, ovarian cancer and prostate cancer.
After discussing their requirements with them, we recommend a sex toy which may help – but we always tell our customers to seek medical advice if we feel that we cannot provide a solution to their problem.
Often customers tell us they are in a new relationship, many of whom are over 50 so we always offer advice about using condoms, something they have not considered and are surprised, often laughing, when we mention it, as some view using condoms as contraception, no longer required as they get older, rather than preventing sexually transmitted infections (STI)
With many older people in new relationships or enjoying sex with a new partner using a condom and getting the rigth fit is important as is the need to recognise symptoms of an STI (although some are sympotmless) and knowing where to get tested.
We know that certain materials, such as rubber, latex or jelly are highly porous:. We are one of a few sex toy retailers who only sell skin safe products, condoms and lubricants. However, many people are still unaware of the hidden chemicals in some sex toys and many sexual lubricants which can cause vaginal irritation and even thrush and the huge amount of fake and used products available online.
Here at Jo Divine, we have recognised the need to provide sexual health advice to our customers to improve their sexual satisfaction and have created a library of articles about sexual health and pleasure. By establishing ourselves as a resource for informed sexual education, we have built a strong bond between ourselves and our customers, many of whom return to purchase other products or recommend us to their friends and family.
We created our health brochure with a consultant uro/gynaecologist and women’s health physiotherapist at Tubridge Wells Hospital who recognise the benefit of using a sex toy and lubricants to improve sexual pleasure. They recommend some of our products to their patients for gynaecological conditions, such as vaginal tightness, post-operative scarring, sexual symptoms of the menopause and loss of sensation.
The health brochure is given out across the UK by many HCPs working in a wide range of specialites, in hospitals, clinics, private practice, GP practices and at womens health events too.
We also have a mens health brochure containing products that can help to exercise the penis and improve erectile function, stamina and pleasure in addition to enabling couples to enjoy intimacy together beyond penetration.
We also work with several cancer charities including Ovacome, Trekstock, Womb Cancer Support and Chris’ Cancer Community giving talks and writing information for their websites and leaflets. We also work with the Daisy Network, Lichens Sclerosus and Vulval Cancer Awareness and Menopause Support.
We are lucky to work with many healthcare professionals who give out our health brochure across the UK and healthcare professionals who talk to their patients about sexual issues and help them find solutions beyond medical treatments to help them.
It is great to be able to recommend our customers to healthcare professionals including womens health physiotherapists who can help with pelvic floor weakness in addition to a wide range of pelvic health issues that many women experience throughout their life which can impact upon sexual health and pleasure.
We also recommend psychosexual therapy and a variety of support groups and charities because we recognise that buying a suitable sex toy is often just one way to help sexual health and pleasure issues.
The way in which people think about sex toys and their benefits to sexual health and pleasure to help is slowly changing and Jo Divine is at the forefront of making this happen. Educating people about sexual health to improve their sexual pleasure is one of the best parts of my job; when asked about my job by others, I say: “I give people orgasms for a living”, which raises a few eyebrows and often a smile!
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