You’ve had a miserable day, you are emotionally drained, liable to get upset at the slightest thing, and you are not exactly good company. Those around you notice this and someone says, “Can I give you a hug?”. This could be an innocent request from a lover, partner, friend, family member.
You say “yes” and take the hug, but it does nothing for you, in fact, it doesn’t feel quite right even though you gave your consent, and you are, if anything, feeling a bit worse, but you are not sure why. Yet, you consented to it!
By the end of the next day you are feeling much better and the same person asks “would you like a hug?” you say “yes” but this time it feels much better, it makes you feel good and adds to the improved day you have experienced.
So what was so wrong with the first hug, you had a bad day and surely, everyone can appreciate a hug to try and make them feel better after a day to forget?
The answer to this question is no, you didn’t have to “appreciate” the hug, and for more reasons than you might think.
Have a look at the list below and put yourself in the situation where you have had something similar to that first hug, someone who means well by offering you some comfort that you agreed to, but it never helped, just made you feel worse.
Was it for you? Was the hug for you, or was it for them, were they so uncomfortable they needed to do something to emotionally fix the situation. Some people do it more than others, but we have all done it at some point
“Can I give you a hug” implies it is for them, language can be important in how we approach interactions with others? Language sets the stage to highlight exactly what we are asking for if we have learnt about the differences between giving and receiving, more on that later.
We say yes to too many things out of habit, we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings, we feel obliged because we did something for them, it would be rude to say no, what would they think of us if we refused? I’m sure you can think of more.
You didn’t want the hug, but you did not know how to express your no, you wanted to be left alone. Then, when you received the hug, your body instinctively recoiled even if intellectually it never registered, that hug was for them, you didn’t want it even though you said yes! Then you felt bad/not quite right afterwards, even though you weren’t sure why. Has this happened in situations for you?
So why did the second hug feel so good?
“Would you like a hug?” is a question with the onus on what you want, the language implies it is for you, so it feels easier to say yes after a good day.
You had a better day, you felt better, and saying yes felt good because there was no resistance from your body or emotional state. Briefly, you thought about the request and that a hug would be good.
There was no negative somatic (body) response, you didn’t cross any noticeable boundaries and enjoyed the hug as icing on top of a better day.
Your lover, friend etc asked politely, you were in a better mood, and it was nice to have some intimacy with that hug.
So there are differences in the way you felt, how your day had gone and the feelings that came up. The language was more geared towards you in the second hug, it was implied it was for you, where the first “can I give you a hug?” indicates it was more for them. Yes, you felt good, so why not have a hug the second time around. Seems pretty straightforward, that first hug had a lot going on that could make it a bad decision, whilst the second had a lot going on that could make it a good one.
I’m going to suggest that there isn’t much between either, apart from the fact that the second one turned out better, not because you had more control or understanding over your decision but because circumstance always dictated that it would feel better.
Let us get back to the giving and receiving in number 2 under the “bad day hug”. If someone asks “can I?” they are asking for something which is for them, they are not giving you a hug, they are asking to give you a hug because they want to do it, not because you want it.
It is a very crucial distinction, that hug was for them as they were asking for what they wanted for whatever reason, they are receiving the hug. You, on the other hand, are giving to them, it is the gift of hugging for them. You said yes, but you really did not want it and had no skills to navigate the situation or your own feelings to say no. Furthermore, you said yes out of habit, conditioning, but your body said no with its reaction and the feelings that arose.
On the next day, the hug felt good, you felt good. “Would you like?” is a much better way of asking, and there were no feelings of wanting to be left alone.
Here is the question though, if you cannot say no to something you do not want, how can you possibly say yes to something you do want? Maybe like a 12-hour clock, you will be right twice a day with your yes, those decisions just happened to fall at the right time, in the right place, whilst you were in the appropriate frame of mind. But all the other times during the day when you should have said no but said yes are still happening.
Maybe the second hug felt good, but was it really what you wanted, perhaps you said yes out of habit because your friend/lover likes them and on that particular day you didn’t mind giving a hug.
What if you really wanted to sit down and have a cuddle, nestle between their legs with your back to them and have their arms wrapped around you, making you feel safe and wanted? Could you have said no to the hug, but then asked, “will you give me a cuddle instead?”. You receive a gift of their cuddle by expressing your no then saying “will you?” they give to you willingly with a yes to your request and there is no ambiguity because you feel 100% certain that the cuddle is what you want. This doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy the hug, as I have said, it just could have been better with something you really wanted.
Your partner asks “would you like a shoulder massage”, that sounds good, so you say yes? A few minutes in the shoulder massage has drifted down to your breasts but:
The distinction between giving and receiving becomes blurred, what initially sounded like it was for you (the shoulder massage) has turned into something for them (massaging your breasts)
In fact, it was never for you, as consciously or otherwise, they have manipulated a situation for their own benefit. You think this is how things are, even though your body tells you it is not right.
We are not going to get into societal, cultural and gendered conditioning as that is for another time, but these situations are commonplace and in most “normal” and supposedly “happy” partnerships and intimate interactions are accepted as such.
Take this into the dating world and then the bedroom, and you can see how murky things can get, how we can come out feeling dissatisfied when our needs are not met, how, what we think, is “normal” doesn’t have to be that way. Most people do not do this stuff out of malice, we are just not taught any other way.
Real embodied pleasure and truly getting what you want whilst respecting others takes a bit of work but is well worth it, good communication and self reflection is key.
Couples come to me, married or otherwise, who have been together more than 10 years and need guidance around their intimate lives. After just one 3-hour session, a common discussion between them as they walk out of my door goes like this:
My Boundaries and Consent work is based heavily around Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, I highly recommend you get her book, The Art of Giving and Receiving, as it will change the way you look at your decision-making as well as your intimate life.
I specialise in Intimacy Life Coaching for women 40 plus, this work is powerful in helping people recognise where “the not quite right” feelings are coming from in their intimate lives, improving body confidence, exploring sensuality, becoming more embodied and much more. There is much more to it than The Wheel of Consent, but strong boundaries allow you more confidence to take a journey into your intimacy and sensuality.
If you feel this work might be for you, I offer a free 3-hour session to introduce you to a world of possibilities away from what you endure as “normal” in your intimate life. This is professional work in a safe held container where you can express and discover yourself.
Come and discover what you really want!
For details of Sean’s website, please see his profile here.
]]>As a serial sexual experimentalist, I’ve always followed the “try anything once” mantra, which, quite often, results in me liking things so much that I further incorporate them in my sex life. This is exactly what happened with my first time using a strap-on. Let me give you a sneak peek into a night of complete empowerment, awkward humping, figuring out what my hips can actually do (spoiler alert: they don’t lie) and asking my partner if they’re okay about a thousand times. Here we go.
I’ve pretty much been submissive for the biggest part of my sexual encounters. Giving the other person control of your body and letting them dictate the rules, as well as the speed and intensity of the penetration itself, felt quite liberating and, I’ll be honest, allowed me to feel pleasure while doing my favourite thing at the same time – lying down and being lazy. It’s a win-win situation, isn’t it?
As time went by, however, I felt the need to experiment more and more and explore new sensations and scenarios both for myself and my partners. I’ve slowly discovered my dominant side and finally felt what it’s like to be on the other spectrum of the sexual act. I realised I actually love being in charge. It’s a whole new level of empowerment, and I’ve found it incredibly arousing too – from gentle impact play to more intense BDSM activities and even humiliation. Alongside these lines, I got to explore pegging too. As a cisgender woman, this was entirely new to me, and felt like nothing I had experienced before. It gave me a great perspective on what it’s like to be the one who’s penetrating the other and almost answered my (and every girl’s) lifelong question about what it’s like to be a man and have a penis… yes, almost.
If you’re a woman, and you’ve been wondering how to bring it up with your male partner, I’ll tell you a little secret: most of the men I’ve been talking to absolutely love pegging. It’s exactly the same as my desire to explore what it’s like to be on the giving side – in this case, the man wants to be on the receiving end.
The first time I used a strap-on, there wasn’t a real discussion or planning before that, it simply happened organically. To be honest with you, when my partner asked me whether I’d like to peg him and handed me the strap-on, I silently freaked out. It felt like a great responsibility, like it’s my first time having sex ever… which was, in a way, the truth. It was my first time having sex “as a man”. So many questions popped into my head (I’m pretty sure I must have looked like the “confused maths lady” from that popular meme). How do I put this thing on? What if he’s in pain? What if he makes a mess (you know what I mean)? How on earth should I move my hips? The only way to find the answers to all these questions was to simply try it out.
We went for the missionary position first. I made sure he’s fully relaxed by massaging his anus and slowly (slowly!) inserting one, then two, then three fingers inside him, all while communicating with him and making sure he’s feeling okay. We took our time – there was no rush. After he was ready to take more, I squeezed a generous amount of lube onto his anus and the dildo. After I made sure that we’re both ready to go, I started to slowly push the strap-on (and myself, obviously) inside my partner. I was incredibly nervous and insecure and had to ask him questions such as “Is this okay?”, “Does it hurt?”, “Will you tell me if it’s too much?” every couple of seconds as I basically had no idea what I was doing. Once I got the whole dildo inside him, I started thrusting.
Let me tell you – it was awkward. Dear men, if you are reading this, I wholeheartedly salute you – having a penis and working with it is definitely not as easy as I expected it to be. I had no idea how to move my hips, it simply didn’t come naturally to me. I was experimenting with different speeds and movements, trying to find something that works well for both of us. Only a few minutes, I got so tired that I asked him to change positions, so we went for doggy style. Greatest idea ever.
Doggy style has always been my favourite position, and now I got to experience what it’s like to be on the other side; to have your partner under your full control, to dictate the speed and the intensity of the thrusts and, therefore, his pleasure. It feels incredibly empowering and satisfying. The rush you get from it is so strong that eventually it starts to feel like it is your own (real) penis, with all its nerve endings and a whole plethora of erotic sensations. My femdom fantasy had finally become reality.
My partner was really enjoying it too. His moans and the way he whispered “fuck” under his breath made me even more turned on and gave me the confidence I needed to improve my moves and be better for him… and for myself. After all, let’s not forget that the male G-spot is the source of the most mind-blowing orgasm a man can experience. What better stimulation than that?
Despite the overwhelming awkwardness on my side, the overall experience was extremely satisfying. So satisfying that I kept doing it with different partners and, in time, slowly became better and more confident in myself. Knowing that the other person is enjoying it is, without a doubt, amazing but the biggest win for me was the fact that he, as a man (I haven’t used a strap-on with a woman yet) was able to overcome the social stigma and the wrong, but still popular, idea that men who like to be pegged are gay. Trust me, this has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with… yes, pleasure. It’s what we all want, isn’t it?
Now go put that strap-on on and enjoy the ride.
]]>Multiple Sclerosis is one of the best things to have happened to my sex life.
Do I wish it hadn’t happened to me? Absolutely. Would I wish it away now I have it? Not for a second.
The self-reflection and awareness I’ve been forced to explore has opened my perspective into an entirely different universe. Just as I had to learn to stand and walk again (yes, really) I had to relearn about my sexuality. From scratch. How it felt to be stimulated. How it felt to be touched. How to climax alone and with my husband.
Nothing was the same; that said, it was the beginning of a fascinating journey.
Relearning who I was, and what worked for me again was one thing, sure, but what about the fabulous world which had opened up? The opportunities that had arisen, the woman I was becoming. The woman, that had always been there, hiding just beneath the surface.
I learned that it’s all about adaptation. What worked before may not work now, and that’s okay. Naturally, my partner must do more work these days (which plays right into my submissive side, I must say). It’s less about the acrobatic Kama Sutra positions, and more about the sensual (or rough) side of it. One thing that has been a revelation post diagnosis is the importance of sensory play- words, sight, touch. I had no idea of its power pre-MS. None.
Being welcomed into the weird and wonderful world of kink has a huge part of my sexual reawakening. I discovered I’m rather the exhibitionist. My partner and I joined Instagram for this reason, and you could say it all erupted from there…… Finally, we could put words to fantasies and kinks we’d have for a while but didn’t have a name for or didn’t understand. It was from here we began to explore Ethical Non Monogamy, and my, has it been something.
And, that was when I discovered what it was to truly feel comfortable in my own skin- ironic considering I’m numb for the majority of the time! I had previously only squirted once in my life, when I was about 18…… I don’t consider it to be a ‘destination’ or a validation of my sexuality, but something funny happens when you’re diagnosed with something as life- altering as MS. The insecurities you used to have melt away. The things that seemed big no longer are in comparison, and that massively changes perspective. So, after 12 years of assuming it was just something I “couldn’t do” or “wasn’t built for”, it turned out that was very much not the case.
By getting in tune with my own body and learning to love it for what it is; not broken and not damaged. Different. Unique. Me.
I genuinely think that’s why I finally felt confident enough in my own body, the one which I had felt let me down for so long, to allow me the release I knew it could by squirting. I think that my newfound sexual confidence paved the way for this, as well as with many other things we’re excited to explore. Toys are, let’s be honest, like the bread and butter of our sex lives. Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but they are certainly so for us. Of course, it took a lot of perseverance and exploration…. Different positions, different toys. It turns out a love egg is the key. The elusive and very welcome key.
Then, a turning point came (pun intended!) during our first swinging experience. It happened without toys. Unexpectedly. I think that shows how comfortable I was in the situation, and how excited the anticipation and build up made me… Not a bad first time in my book!
So, as good as squirting feels, for me, it’s not so much about that, as much as what it stands for. It’s a symbol. A metaphor. My sexuality reawakening. My sensuality blossoming like a rose in spring. My confidence emerging. Discovering the woman I’m supposed to be. The one who’s been there all along, waiting to make her grand entrance. I might be a little late to the party; but hell, was it worth the wait.
]]>I awoke with my belly full of butterflies. Packing up my hotel room, I was thankful that I had only brought a suitcase of delicate, lacy underwear and flowing summer dresses… It was like I had predicted that an Italian lover was going to take me on a naughty weekend trip.
Sophia arrived in an open-top vintage car in a deep shade of red. Her haired flowed freely in the breeze, and she wore a simple white t-shirt and denim skirt; she looked incredible. I could already feel the warmth begin to spread through my body, and my mind started racing with thoughts of all the things we were about to do together.
We drove through the countryside passing olive groves, vineyards and quaint Italian villages, it was all very picturesque. Tuscany really is breathtaking. The hours passed quickly; our drive was filled with laughter and tales of sexual escapades from our younger days. I thought I was an adventurous woman, but some of her tales made even me blush… They also made me curious, she was certainly experienced, and I knew she could teach me a thing or two.
The breeze cooled as the sun began to set across the postcard perfect coastline. Sophia was not wearing a bra. Her nipples had become stiff with the drop in temperature, and I could see their pink colouring through her white t-shirt. I instantly had visions of my tongue flicking across them…
Sofia brought me back from my daydream, explaining that our villa was not too far away, but that she wanted to take me somewhere special on the way. She drove us down a narrow road that snaked down the cliff side towards the beach. It was like something out of a movie. In front of us, a small enclave emerged. And nobody else was in sight. As I got out of the car, all I could hear was the waves splashing against the cliff, and the sand was golden and warm as I pressed my toes into it.
Sophia took my hand and led me behind the cliff wall that sheltered us from the evening breeze. She pressed me against the wall, putting her whole body weight on to mine, and whispered into my ear, “Jo, are you going to be a good girl for me?”
After hearing all her stories in the car I was suddenly nervous, but I could also feel my wetness seeping through my knickers. I was overwhelmed, and I did not know what to say, so I just nodded and bit my lip.
“Good, now turn around, hands against the cliff and spread your legs for me.” She said it to me with such authority, like I was a naughty school girl getting a telling off, that I did exactly as I was told, immediately. She traced my back with her manicured nails, all the way down to my hips, and then she gripped me and thrust two fingers into me. Sophia pulled the straps of my dress down over my shoulders, and it pooled at my feet, leaving me just in my knickers. She pressed her body up to mine, and my breath deepened with exhilaration. It was happening… and it was so hot! Sophia gently started to caress my thighs and bottom. I felt myself melting into her hands when suddenly she smacked my cheeks. It stung, but it also made me wetter. I could not believe it and let out a scream, but she covered my mouth with her hands and growled, “Be quiet! You don’t want them to hear what a naughty slut you are, do you? Take your punishment like a good girl.”
I gulped. It had stung, but it only took me a second to realise that it also felt good, and so I whispered, “Sorry Sophia, I promise to be good”. She kissed my bottom, and then carried on spanking me and stroking me. I could feel my cheeks begin to throb, they were getting hotter and redder with every slap. I had never experienced anything like this before in my life.
Sophia stopped the spanking, gently slipping her hand between my thighs and pressing her fingers onto the damp material of my knickers. She let out a deep groan. She pulled my knickers to one side, slipping her fingers back inside me, before removing them and forcing them into my mouth. I licked them eagerly, sucking them clean. Sophia got down onto her knees behind me and pulled my knickers down. She spread me wide open and lapped up my juices, twirling her tongue around my clitoris, sucking my lips and putting her tongue inside me. She was incredible, and I couldn’t wait to tell Mr. Divine.
But then Sophia did something completely unexpected… she traced her tongue up between my butt cheeks and started to lick my arsehole. I had never felt a sensation like it… my knees buckled, and I began to shake, but she didn’t stop. Before I knew it, two of her fingers were inside my pussy – thrusting in and out – while she continued to lick my hole. I bit my lip hard to try and stifle my moans, but I very quickly started to orgasm, the most intense I have ever had. My whole body shook. It took some time before I could open my eyes or move, but when I did, Sophia giggled and held me till the wave of feeling had finished washing over me. I burst out laughing too, and kissed her. This weekend was going to be very, very fun.
]]>The smell of her hair and perfume lingered as I drove away from the flat. The thought of the firmness of her tongue against my skin simply served to increase my desire again and I continued to gently throb.
The suggestion of us being able to have a weekend away at the beach was intoxicating. I desperately wanted to be able to reciprocate the touch, the taste, the passion.
As I approached home, my thoughts then shifted to Mr D, Sophia and I had promised we would talk him through our liaisons as they happened, but in how much detail?
How could we frame that incredible encounter in order to continue our connection? How much detail will have the effect of further arousal as opposed to raising concern about a deepening emotional need. Stopping now was not an option.
Was the next step really a couples weekend for me and Sophia or was this the right time for Mr D to join us?
When we initially met in the coffee shop, as a threesome, there were suggestions, from Sophia, for all of us being involved. “…our adventures don’t have to be the stories you hear” Sophia said, delightfully goading Mr D.
A wave of selfishness totally consumed me, I wanted to be the first to taste Sophia’s wetness, to use my feminine softness to tease her clitoris to the edge and back. I wanted her. But I wanted her to myself.
Perhaps Mr D would be satisfied with a voyeuristic role initially, I visualised him quietly in the corner of the room, with his phallus firmly in his hand gently guiding strokes to caress a monumental erection, while he watches his wife expertly bring Sophia to the edge of a climax like no other.
The car pulled quietly into the drive like we were tiptoeing in after an illicit night out. Was it illicit ? Had Mr D’s blessing been genuine or simply to placate an overly, inquisitive spouse ?
His words were ambiguous yet clear “To say I’m happy with this is wrong… not that I’m unhappy with it. But, I do allow it” Mr D had said when we’d initially met.
Mr D had given us his blessing. Despite that , the nervousness of the evolving ambiguity was now tangible .
The house was bathed in darkness, a small light was on in the study. I could smell a heavy mix of coffee and alcohol. I made my way through the hall towards the study, soft classical music was audible in the background. I stood silhouetted in the doorway.
Mr D sat quietly in his deep leather, wing backed chair, a large glass of red in his left hand, his right silently beckoned me over.
I stood, child like in front of him, unsure of the cause of the palpable tension – was this sexual tension or deep seated jealousy ? The uncertainty made me shiver. Perhaps that beautiful evening with Sophia was the end rather than the beginning. I couldn’t let that happen. The silence lasted way too long for my comfort and then suddenly one word shattered the quiet.
“Kneel” he said firmly.
I silently knelt between his feet.
He leant forwards, towering over me and guided his hand down towards my still engorged pussy – touching her as if reclaiming it from my evening of folly.
“Details…” he said, the firmness not abating.
I lowered my eye – line, still unsure what type of fire I was about to fuel further.
I began to softly talk him through the evening – pausing momentarily to reframe language and sexuality. Pausing to catch my breath as I relived the intensity and the passion of the last few hours.
As I navigated my way through the highly charged encounter – I was continually drawn to the movement in his groin, the familiar shape straining to be unleashed. It would seem that my exploitations with Sophia were continuing to fuel this unexpected yet exhilarating fire.
I finished my story, moistened my lips in expectation, the erection I was desperate for was released from its restraints. Mr D slowly grabbed a handful of my hair and lowered my mouth over the top of his pulsating member. I drew my lips around the shaft, using my tongue to swirl around the firm head. The drop of saltiness increasing the anticipation of what was about to happen – I was consumed by the taste. Mr D controlled the movement, for that instance he controlled me.
The speed, the moisture, the heat, all rapidly increased. The deep penetration into the back of my throat, the sense of connecting on a purely physical level, the gradual crescendo of his breath, his rasping growl and quivering thighs created a throbbing in me so intense that we orgasmed strongly and violently – the taste was complete. I was home.
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I have always loved the seaside, Brighton in particular. The fresh smell of the salt spray, kicking pebbles across the beach and those little winding alleyways with all their sparkling treasure. The coast has always reminded me of wholesome childhood holidays; until now.
Now, Brighton reminds me of Sophia and our weekend away, and that fire she ignites across my entire body. With Mr. Divine having always taken charge of our little getaways, I had no problem letting Sophia take the lead and plan our weekend on the pier.
“Meet me at the train station at 4pm on Friday and wear your shortest sundress” she had told me via text, that little winking emoji coaxing a blush to my cheeks. I could just imagine the smirk on her face as she typed it out, I couldn’t wait.
She had arrived before me, waiting on the platform and looking like a Hollywood starlet with her hair swept up off her face and a figure-hugging dress draped over her curves. She managed to look glamorous and naturally beautiful all at the same time. I bit my lower lip at the sight of her, a smile spreading across my face. She caught sight of me and strode across the platform, wrapping me in her arms and planting a short but sweet kiss on my smiling lips.
“Not quite the shortest dress but still pretty impressive, darling” she teased, linking her arm with mine and walking me down towards the First Class carriage.
My overnight bag felt heavy on my shoulder and a wave of nervous excitement washed over me as I thought about the lingerie I had packed. I had giggled like a schoolgirl when Mr. Divine had helped me pick out what negligee to take, his eyes bright and mischievous as he encouraged me to pack the skimpiest of pajamas.
Sophia and I settled down in the carriage while the train pulled out of the station. I sat down and took a deep breath, looking up at her womanly frame as she scanned the mostly empty seats, clocking the one snoozing businessman a few seats behind us.
“Well, we nearly have the place to ourselves” She lowered herself into the seat opposite me and raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows, folding one leg over the other and bumping mine ever so slightly. The energy between us had changed since our steamy night of tapas and temptation. Every little touch felt electric, sharp currents running from my brain to my body in exquisite little zaps! Despite the nerves, I knew I wanted more.
We spent most of the short journey chatting and flirting, munching on mini tubs of olives and sipping from little cans of gin and tonic. Sophia threw her head back and laughed at something silly I had said, resting one hand on her chest and using the other to release her hair from its loose bun. I watched her as she glanced out of the window, running her fingers through her hair and letting it fall around her shoulders, wisps of it gently laying upon her décolletage. Her tanned skin glistened slightly and before I knew it, I leant across the space between us and lightly kissed along her exposed collarbone. I heard a small, sweet moan escape her lips.
I leant back into my seat, letting out a breathless apology and glancing at the gentleman behind us, wondering if he had seen or if he was still sleeping. Sophia locked her eyes with mine, noticing my distraction, my excitement and my heaving chest.
“You can kiss me properly if you’d like. Right here and right now. If you wanted to” Sophia’s words practically purred out of her glossed lips, and I could feel my eyebrows pinch together in longing.
I wanted to. Of course, I wanted to. Sophia leant in closer, uncrossing her legs and letting them rest in between both of mine. I felt myself gravitating towards her, staring into those mischievous eyes and feeling my lips part in anticipation. Sophia brushed a thumb across my bottom lip, and I longed to taste her. My hands reached out for her face, her soft skin and delicate cheeks.
Then we were kissing. Soft and sweet to begin with, both of us nudging each other’s noses in affection and stealing glances with such wanting in our eyes. Her tongue flicked across my lips and tempted my mouth open. She massaged my tongue with hers as our legs entwined and I could feel our bodies melt together as we balanced on the edge of our seats. I felt a moan of pure pleasure escape from my lips as Sophia’s hands wandered across my thighs, nudging the hem of my dress higher, her nails gently scratching against my skin. My own hands stroked her bare shoulders and travelled up to her slender neck.
As the heat between my thighs burned hotter and hotter, I felt my kisses quicken and I just couldn’t get enough. My hands reached for her hair, and I felt my fingers bury themselves in the silky strands. I let out a sound that I didn’t recognize; something gruff and desperate. I gripped at her hair, tilting her head back to get another look at her, my eyes hungry and wild; surprised by my own bold action. Her eyes were closed, and her skin was glowing. She had that smirk across her face that makes my knees week and clitoris thump like a heartbeat. I wanted her, I wanted all of her in every possible way that I could. I held her head back for a moment longer as my mind raced with all the things I had always wanted to do with another woman, with Sophia.
I jumped and my hands fell to my lap as I heard a loud snore erupt from our carriage mate. Sophia’s eyes shot open, and she clasped her hands across her mouth, stifling a giggle. The corners of her eyes crinkled, and I could hear the high notes of her laugh break free. I beamed and let out a loud laugh, disturbing our sleepy businessman. We both held on to each other as we tried desperately not to erupt in hysterics.
We eventually caught our breath as the train slowly rolled into our destination. The sun was setting, and an orange glow filled the carriage, highlighting the sweat on our skin and my flushed cheeks.
“We’ve only just arrived and already I’m more than a little flustered, darling. I can’t imagine how you’re going to make me feel by the end of the weekend” Sophia whispered as we eventually untangled our limbs and straightened our dresses.
I watched her stand and move gracefully towards the doors. I gingerly grabbed my overnight bag and made sheepish eye contact with the once sleeping businessman. I took a deep breath and slowly stood up, feeling my lace knickers damp between my thighs.
As the train doors swung open, Sophia shot me a wink and another wave of pleasure shot through me. I bit my lip again and knew I was in such delicious trouble.
]]>A few years ago, I matched with a guy – Tom*, who lived in Lichtenstein – on a dating app. He was in London regularly, so the distance didn’t bother me much, and we chatted for a few weeks, planning to meet the next time he was in the UK.
However, it just so happened that a friend, who was living in Düsseldorf, had invited me to stay with her for a few days, and I had flights booked. When I told Tom that I was going to be in Germany, his response was incredible: he offered to drive from Lichtenstein to Düsseldorf to come and meet me, and suggested we head to a spa in Cologne for the day. And, as you might know, spas in Germany generally do not involve swimwear…
The rational part of my brain was quick to kick in, warning me that jumping in a car with a relative stranger in a different country was probably not a good idea. But… the adventurer in me was struggling to pass up on the opportunity. How much fun could it be, if it went well? So I flew out to Düsseldorf, secretly fantasizing about the possibilities of a sexy spa date.
My friend worked during the day, so the weekday days were my own; I spent the first couple exploring a new city. I went to the Goethe Museum, wandered around the Altstadt and Königsallee, searched out some great vegan eats, and contemplated the Rheinturm. I met my friend for walks and chats in beer halls when she finished work, and all the while the possibility of meeting Tom was still in the back of my mind.
In the end, I decided to chat to my friend about it, and together we decided that I should grab the bull by the horns. She made me promise to check in regularly throughout the day, took Tom’s details and the address of the spa we were headed to, and told me to message him and arrange it. So… I did.
And, before I knew it, I was standing nervously, and excitedly, outside a coffee shop on my friend’s road, waiting for Tom to arrive.
When he did, he looked just like his pictures, except in person it was far easier to spot the cheeky glint in his eye – something that always makes me weak at the knees. He grinned and kissed me on both cheeks, then grabbed himself a coffee for the road, and… we were off.
The conversation flowed easily, and it didn’t take long for us both to relax. We chatted about all the normal getting-to-know-you type things, but there was also a palpable air of excitement: we had an hour to acquaint ourselves before arriving at the spa and stripping naked, and we had a lot to chat about. Our previous text conversations had already given us an insight into some shared sexual interests, but it was a lot more fun to talk about them while driving to a spa.
I often find that my self-consciousness disappears along with my clothes, and this was one of those times. As Tom and I stood in the changing room and slowly shed our underwear, before slipping on our robes, we caught each other’s eye and giggled. It was an utterly joyful and fun-filled moment.
We spent the next couple of hours dipping in and out of the different pools, and getting told off for talking in the sauna. It was a February day, and the outside pools were my favourite. The air was chilled, and there was snow on the flower bed, but most of the pools themselves were warm. We sat together, in the corner of one of them, with the steam rising around us, and the conversation inevitably turned back to sex.
They were getting fun and flirty, and we shared a few kisses; I couldn’t help but noticed that he was getting aroused. This is something I love about penises… I’m slightly envious of the fact they don’t hide how they’re feeling. Arousal for me, as a person with a vulva, is far less conspicuous, and sometimes I wish it were more obvious. Of course, the fact that it isn’t is definitely a positive some of the time, but sometimes….
And so, I relished Tom’s hardness and made it obvious to him that I’d noticed.
The spa wasn’t too busy and – as soon as he was able to stand up – we went on a hunt for somewhere a little more secluded. We settled on an empty steam room, and started fooling around a little. The doors were glass, so we could easily see if someone was coming, but we were left uninterrupted for a good few minutes, and – honestly – the thought of getting caught was a bit of a thrill. It was hot, and sweaty, and Tom’s fingers between my legs didn’t help.
But the door was opening, and by now we’d been in the spa for a couple of hours. We were getting hungry, so we made our way to the restaurant. Again, it wasn’t particularly busy. The kiosk was in the middle of the room, with tables all around, and to the left were some stairs, which led to another seated area that overlooked the main floor. It was empty upstairs; we made our way up and pushed a couple of chairs back against the wall, so it was as private as possible.
Tom kissed me, and I knelt down in front of him. He was already hard, and I took him in my mouth while he tried to muffle his moans. He then produced a condom from the pocket of his robe and bent me over the chair in front of him. Trying to be as quiet as we could, he played with my clit, bringing me to orgasm, before finishing himself off inside me.
We’d spent the whole afternoon teasing each other, so it didn’t take long. And while we tried to be discrete, I am not certain that we weren’t noticed.
We went for another quick dip, and then we headed back to Düsseldorf, giggling almost all the way. It was certainly a first date to remember!
Tom and I met up a few times after that, in London, and we always had fun. However, while the sexy spa experience was fun, the whole experience is not something I would repeat now, for a couple of reasons. At the time it felt very taboo – being in a foreign spa and breaking the (very strict) rules – but now, I look back on this and feel like it was very “Brits abroad”. That isn’t something I feel particularly proud of.
Secondly, with a few years of kink experience under my belt, I am so much more keyed into the idea of consent, and that includes onlookers too. Public sex is still incredibly hot to me, but I’d much rather do it in a sex club or party. And more on that next time…
*Tom is a pseudonym, but the story is true!
]]>In my previous articles in this mini-series (An Introduction to BDSM and Misconceptions about BDSM) I gave an overview of some of the main aspects of BDSM, and attempted to clarify a few of the most common misconceptions people have about it, often based on misrepresentations in popular culture.
I wrote, in some depth, about three foundations of BDSM as I understand them: trust, communication, and consent. In this final article, I am going to look at the three main building blocks – that rely heavily on these foundations – in a bit more detail, and explain why I think they are relevant to everyone, not just people that practise kink or BDSM.
These three building blocks are:In a nutshell, limits are things you don’t want to do. They can be sexual, but often they’re not. We all have our limits and they are most commonly known as boundaries outside of BDSM. As individuals, we can find it easier or harder to make and maintain our personal boundaries depending on a whole host of factors.
Where BDSM is specifically concerned, sharing a list of limits is common practise both early on and throughout a relationship.
Limits can include, but are definitely not limited to:Generally, limits are placed into one of two categories: soft and hard. But before we talk limits, let’s talk ‘enthusiastic yeses’. Because BDSM has given me an entire language to communicate not only my sexual limits and boundaries, but also my desires.
This is the baseline for a healthy BDSM relationship. It’s important to spend time learning what turns you ON as well as thinking about what turns you off. And yes, I mean sexually, but I also mean emotionally and mentally.
Enthusiastic yeses are the things that you generally enjoy. Mine include: cuddles, light spanking, hair pulling, kisses (and getting “lines” as a “punishment”).
However, as with everything else, consent is always ongoing. Even enthusiastic yeses aren’t always enthusiastic or yeses so it’s important to note that anyone – the Dom or the sub – can say, “No,” to anything at any time.
Soft limits are effectively flexible boundaries.
They might be things you’re only comfortable doing when a certain level of trust has been built up (which, for me, is most things). They might be the things you haven’t tried yet, but are intrigued about and could see yourself enjoying in a certain situation. They are the things that you might choose to do on one day, but not another; the things that have caveats or conditions.
To give you some ideas, mine include: anal play, which I will only do with trusted partners and when I’m prepared; rope, which, again, I will only do with trusted partners; and having my face slapped, which I simply have to be in the mood for (the trust part is implied). Verbal humiliation and degradation, like being called a “slut”, is also a soft limit; I enjoy it under the right circumstances, but I need to know my partner well enough to know they are role playing and not putting their real, derogatory feelings about me on display.
And so, on the other side, we have hard limits. These are your rigid boundaries: the things you have zero interest in trying, or things you might have tried and decided you didn’t want to do again.
Mine include: orgasm denial; someone controlling when I’m allowed to use the loo (a common rule in 24/7 dynamics); being called a “bitch”; and anything to do with animal products, so no leather, no silk, vegan lubes etc.etc. “Time outs” as a punishment are also a hard limit for me: I know myself and my abandonment issues well enough to know that if I am ignored my anxiety is too hard for me to manage.
How you define your limits is such a personal journey. For me, it started when a Dom asked me what my limits were and I couldn’t answer. In response, he gave me a list of BDSM terms and asked me to categorise them into three groups: Yes, Maybe/ Discuss, and No.
So I did what any discerning kinkster would do: I made a spreadsheet.
I had to Google many of the terms, and many of those I did know I had no experience of, so it was largely theoretical. But a learning experience nonetheless. It gave me a good jumping off point.
I’ve since updated my spreadsheet numerous times. Things that used to be hard limits have crept their way down into my soft limits (or yes) category, and things that used to be soft limits have become hard limits. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process.
I now use a 0-5 scale to indicate how enthusiastic I fee about something, and it serves me well. I rarely share the entire spreadsheet with anyone, but it gives me a really good understanding of myself.
Every relationship has boundaries. BDSM gave me a language to communicate mine more confidently. It started out with me communicating my sexual desires and limits, but has absolutely moved into every aspect of my life.
Explicitly knowing your own and your partner/s’ limits is simply having conversations that outline what you both like and dislike. In my experience, too much of this is left up to trial and error in non-kink relationships, and not enough space is left for saying, “No,” or communicating what each individual actively enjoys.
I would say that everyone who has sex should take the time to really consider their enthusiastic yeses as well as their hard and soft limits in (and out of) the bedroom. But be aware that the sands can shift over time: this is one of the best things about humans in my humble opinion, but it can also be a little scary. Remaining open-minded can be challenging if a partner approaches you and asks you how you feel about something they might be curious about but, when we meet their curiosity with our own, great things can happen.
Once your limits are defined (for now!) the next thing to establish is a safe word.
A safe word is a “hard stop”. It can be used by anyone, at any time, for any reason. Yes, even the Dom. And yes… even because you ate too much dinner…
Some genuine reasons people in the BDSM community have used their safe word:It’s important to note that safe words are not trophies. You (or your sub) should not be using it every time you play, or even half the time.
In seven years, I have used my safeword three times and I can remember why I used it on each occasion. This is largely because my limits were defined and communicated, and the people I chose to engage in BDSM with have taken the time and effort to understand both them and me. That said, things do happen that may be no one’s fault and that’s why practising PRICK (personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink) is important.
A safe word should be easy to remember and, if you are incorporating sex into your BDSM play, not a word you would normally say during sex. For example, ‘No’ and ‘Stop’ are terrible safe words for me personally, as I might roleplay saying these (when I most definitely do not want someone to stop).
Some examples of safe words are:Some people prefer to negotiate a safe word at the beginning of each scene even if they are with the same, and many have a word that they use as a “pause” button and a second to use as a “hard stop”. The traffic light system is great for this and can be used pro-actively to gauge how someone is feeling. Especially when doing impact play, regularly asking the bottom to rate pain on a scale of 1-10, or asking them if they’re at red, amber or green, is a great way to make sure they are still having fun. If they are unable to answer, for whatever reason, that should also be taken immediately as a safeword.
However, in some BDSM scenes, a submissive may consent to not be able to speak. This may be because they are gagged, or simply because they are told not to. It is important to have a nonverbal “safe gesture” in these situations. The one you choose will depend entirely on what the bottom is able to physically do, and what the top is guaranteed to notice.
Some examples:The first thing that should happen after a safe word is used is that everything stops. If someone doesn’t stop the safeword (or gesture) should be repeated until things do stop and a question needs to be asked as to why they did not stop. For me, someone ignoring my safe word is a huge red flag and grounds for not seeing them again.
With new partners, I will often test out their response by using our established safeword well before I need to, just to gauge their reaction.
What happens next depends heavily on the situation but it will involve communicating openly and honestly.
As a top, it will generally involve putting your ego to one side. It might be that the first thing you need to do is untie, or ungag, your sub. It might simply be that they need to pause. It might be that they need a cuddle, or a drink. How you respond to your partner’s safe word is unbelievably important but, if you have negotiated limits, and have a trusting and respectful relationship with your sub, you need to remember that it is not about you.
As a bottom, using your safe word can be anything from annoying to embarrassing to terrifying. Submissives are often keen to please their Dominant, so feeling like you’ve “failed” can be soul destroying. However, using a safe word isn’t a failure. In fact, it’s pretty much the most empowering thing you can do.
Take as long as you need to process the scene, including what went right as well as what went wrong, and think about how you migh tneed to modify things going forward.
I can be in a rush to get back to it after I’ve used my safe word, but I’m getting much better at taking time to regroup; I need a lot of reassurance, and a lot of TLC.
Safe words – a hard stop – are such a great idea in general. Saying, “No,” can feel embarrassing (especially during sex), and is also something that people can ignore or attempt to turn into a yes.
Establishing a safe word can give you or your partner a way to stop whatever it is that is going on. It might be something sexual, or it might be a way to take a breather from an argument. Either way, having a word that means, “No,” can be incredibly powerful.
Aftercare is exactly what it says on the tin: care that comes after a scene. It is imperative that all parties involved get aftercare, whatever that may look like for them.
While many people need cuddles and closeness following a scene – especially one that might involve pain or humiliation – some people need time alone. There is no right or wrong way to give or receive aftercare, and the likelihood is your needs with change depending on who you’re with, what you did, and the way the wind blows.
What is right, though, is that you communicate aftercare needs to one another. You may have a list of things you know you like, or it may be a conversation you have after the scene has ended.
However, self-knowledge is important here: if one person needs intimacy, and the other needs space, something is going to have to give and you may need to negotiate.
Some things people might need (or want) after a scene:Aftercare needs may change in the hours or days following a scene. You may need space straight away and then find yourself craving closeness later on (or the other way around). You may think you’re ok, but then find you’re not quite as ok as you thought (I have a habit of leaving bags on public transport if I am left unattended too soon after an intense scene and adapt my aftercare requirements to take this into account!)
To this end, aftercare doesn’t necessarily finish once a quick cuddle has been had. Some people need very little in the way of aftercare, others need a few days to process a scene. Communicating needs around how long you want aftercare to continue (for those that don’t live together checking in via text or phone for a few days can be really helpful).
The concept of aftercare can be used explicitly following any intense experience: after an argument; after sex; after time apart. Talking to loved ones about what you all need following a passionate encounter can truly strengthen a bond.
BDSM has truly given me, personally, a voice and a vocabulary that allows me to communicate my desires, wants, needs and boundaries. It isn’t for everyone (according to Durex around 20% of people worldwide practise it) but the core principles it based on – trust, communication, consent, limits, safe words, and aftercare) really are.
See also An Introduction to BDSM and Misconceptions about BDSM
]]>The facial – the act of a man ejaculating into the face of his partner – has many aspects to it. Where did it come from? Who is it for? And should you try it?
The Marquis de Sade wrote about facials in his book 120 Days of Sodom in 1785, and hardcore pornography in the 1970’s solidified its practice in modern sexual culture. Today, 62% of all male-female pornography scenes end with ejaculation into the facial area.
Opinions on the experience vary, with some people finding it disrespectful, repugnant or conversely, strangely intimate. It carries almost no risk of pregnancy. The act holds no STI risk for the man doing it. It’s usually very messy.
Performing a facial as the male donor is not difficult. After obtaining enthusiastic consent, other sexual activities are usually performed until almost at the point of orgasm. At this point you can stand or kneel facing your partner, with their face in close range, and either you or your partner can masturbate you to the point of ejaculation. Most men find their aim a little hit and miss, and it’s not unusual to miss your target completely and get their chest, hair, the wall or the floor. The closer your partner’s face is and the better the angle, the better your chances of completing it successfully.
As the person receiving the facial, there is certainly still work to do. You can guide your partner’s penis, masturbate them, perform oral on them, fondle them or talk dirty. Most men say they prefer a happy, enthusiastic expression, often with the mouth open, tongue out and plenty of eye contact. You and your partner’s play style may be different. If you are trying something new for the first time, or as part of a role play, talk about your fantasy first, and get to know what each other is hoping for.
The consistency of semen is quite variable. Some men produce a little, some make a lot. It can be watery or thick and jelly-like. Be prepared to wash your face and hair afterwards, as it will quickly dry to be quite crusty. One of the enduring questions of the ages is whether you should wash it off quickly or allow its mystical benefits to permeate your epidermis.
Indeed, the semen is good for you/good for your skin story has been around for long time. Some celebrities swear by it, either swallowed or applied directly to the face, and some scientists say it’s pointless and even dangerous. Let’s examine why:
What does semen contain that could potentially help your skin?
Along with the sperm themselves (if your partner is not vasectomised) there are a number of compounds in the seminal fluid, 30% of which comes from the prostate gland. The seminal vesicles contribute about 2/3 of the fluid and the rest is from the bulbourethral glands. All these chefs contribute to the mix in different ways, feeding the sperm, activating it and preserving it, as well as helping it to slip out at orgasm and giving it the characteristic thickness and feel.
Any substance that can power up billions of potential humans certainly seems to be a magical ambrosia of life, youth and vitality, so it’s unsurprising that this elixir has been popularised as a beauty treatment.
Yet is this intrinsic appeal- the penis as the fountain of youth – really accurate? Or is it just a rumour perpetuated by men to encourage their partners to perform oral sex and accept a facial?
A single shot contains 3% of your daily recommended zinc allowance, but that’s more relevant if you swallow it. Zinc has anti-inflammatory properties, as well as helping cellular repair and collagen production. Sounds like a good thing to have- yet the low quantities mean it’s not been proven to make any difference.
It’s also packed with other minerals, like magnesium, calcium, potassium and also has fructose (fruit sugar) which are reputed beauty aids. Again, the amounts are too low to be meaningful, and easily replaced with healthy foods.
200 different proteins are found in semen, and the average shot will contain 5 grams of protein. That seems quite a lot, but the average woman would need to swallow 9 of these a day to meet her protein requirements. In that context, it’s not so much. Although many beauty creams contain peptides (a form of protein) as an anti-aging ingredient, they are mixed with many other products to activate them and allow them to be absorbed. Semen doesn’t contain these, and it is unlikely that any of the proteins would be absorbed into the skin. Again, science finds no strong evidence in favour of the semen facial as beauty aid.
With 4.5mg of urea per 10 millilitres of semen, a product known to gently exfoliate, hydrate skin and help the absorption of other skin care products, perhaps we have a winner? It’s the main active ingredient in most natural skin toners. But it’s also in urine and sweat. Again, the strength doesn’t appear to be potent enough to prove effective and it’s not hard to find elsewhere. Nothing special here.
Derived from spermidine, the anti-inflammatory antioxidant substance that has been manufactured artificially and included in some face creams. They have now largely has fallen out of popularity. There has been suggestion that its antioxidant properties could remove wrinkles. A study was done that showed injecting spermidine into cells could slow down the cellular aging process, but it’s not known whether applying it to the surface would make any difference.
Its anti-inflammatory properties have been suggested to help with acne. Again, the concentrations and amount mean there is no good scientific evidence that it would be effective.
You can have a skin reaction to the many compounds found in semen, causing redness and itching. You also risk contracting an STI if a partner is infected and it lands on the lips, in the nose or (ouch) in the eye. The biggest culprits for this kind of infection are herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhoea.
Semen also transfers a hit of testosterone, which is drying to the skin and can encourage acne.
A 2002 study in New Scientist found that women who were exposed to semen vaginally on a regular basis were less depressed than those who were abstinent or whose partners wore condoms. They didn’t look at different routes of exposure, but it’s possible that opting for the facial, if you normally have unprotected sex with your partner, could mean missing out on some happy hormones.
Other than this? There are no real downsides. You might not have solid evidence for semen rejuvenating your skin, but if you want to try it with an STI free partner and have not reacted to their semen elsewhere on you, the risks are pretty minimal. Some celebrities and online gurus swear by semen, either applied to their face or mixed in a smoothie. How much of this is to stand out and get followers is unclear. Certainly, the semen spa-facials that were made with artificial spermidine involved a lot of other, more effective, products mixed in and they have fallen out of favour after not producing the wonderous results hoped for. The results that could be measured by people in lab coats.
Perhaps the rejuvenation comes not just from the chemistry, but from the act itself. A healthy, happy sex-life filled with variety and excitement to explore is a wonder-tonic for recapturing youthfulness and vitality. Perhaps the magic is not just in the potion, but in the ritual that made it. That’s something science can get on board with.
Should you try a facial? Absolutely. If you both want to. Love it or hate it, it’s an experience. Whether you feel repulsed by it, degraded, just amused or intimately worshipped is down to your own thoughts and feelings, and you are entitled to decide what you want to do accordingly. Certainly, there is no reason not to discuss them. Sometimes fantasies stay just that way- an arousing conversation, some naughty thoughts that bring excitement before retreating to the comfortable and familiar. Sometimes they act as the impetus to make your comfort zone bigger and more exciting.
One way or another, the facial is going nowhere. Except, often, on the carpet.
]]>The strapon – the artificial, erect penis. The dildo, or vibrating dildo, that sits within a hip hugging harness. Often dismissed as a toy for lesbians, there is so much more versatile fun to be had from this creative little contraption. Here’s why absolutely everyone should try a strapon:
The first time you put on a strapon it is a unique experience. As a friend of mine said, when she borrowed mine, ‘I suddenly feel powerful’. It’s strangely true, unexpected and revelatory. You place this piece of phallic silicone and straps where it needs to be, and suddenly you want to strut around the house in it for no reason. You can’t feel it, it doesn’t respond to arousal or stimulus, and yet somehow you feel better with it on. In charge. In control. Ready to pose and with moxy you didn’t know you had. Why? Who knows?
In terms of using a strapon, it can be used on any gender identity. It transcends that. You suddenly have a new tool, a giver of pleasure, and power. You can penetrate man, woman or any other gender identity. You can tell your man to suck it, with him free from conflicting self-identity issues, because he does it for your enjoyment. You can take the dominant role, and pleasure him anally, with the same freedom from self-reflection.
You can penetrate your girlfriend (and though many women are not stimulated or dependent on penetration, some are, including some lesbians). You can use it in dominance roleplay. Suddenly, you have an invulnerable phallus, ready for action, free of needs and wants, ready to serve or be served at any moment.
Yes, you can’t feel it, but somehow it changes the dynamic.
You’ll also have the sudden realisation of how incredibly hard the penis-owner in a penetrative situation actually has to work and have a little empathy if they get exhausted or can’t ‘go for hours.
I remember bringing a strapon to a party, with my lovely friend/girlfriend, and while the men stood around, with their own biological members ready, they were not allowed to partake. They watched with an envy, lust and sudden loss of patriarchal power. What could be more arousing for us than that?
Even if you own a penis, a strapon is not something to ignore. There are strapons that can be worn to perform one-man DP, and also ones that encase the penis to make your pride and joy suddenly bigger, wider and invulnerable to a few too many drinks, premature ejaculation or any other cause of erectile dysfunction. Ever wondered what it would feel like to have the proportions of a porn star? Ever wondered if you’d pleasure your wife more if you were better endowed, or could go for longer, or multiple times? Now you can find out!
Yes, you won’t be able to really feel the motion in the same way, but this can be used as part of chastity play, or to make the experience all about your partner’s pleasure- an activity that too rarely happens for those who don’t have a penis! They are also unbreakably safe protection. If you plan to use it on more than one person, it’s a good idea to have different ones for different partners and use a condom to help keep them clean.
You can wear them over full head-to toe latex fetishwear if you wish, and if you remove it you won’t be exposed.
You can also have a strapon ready for playmates without a penis to use on you- knowing where it’s been and that it’s the size and shape you most enjoy.
Getting a new way to use your favourite dildo or vibrator is always fun! You can attach it to a harness with a ring if it has a flared base or use a vacu-lock if it doesn’t. You can have different sizes to change, from the tiny ones for the shy, nervous recipient who wants to try something new, to monstrous ones for those who enjoy an impressive size. An upward curve is great for hitting the G-spot in vaginal play, and a straighter, smoother one works well for anal play. Don’t forget to stock up on lubricant! If you are using a silicone phallus with a condom it is important to only use a water-based one such as YES water based or SUTIL Luxe. SUTIL Rich is ideal for both vaginal and anal play because it is thicker and longer lasting. YES oil based lubricant is long lasting but not condom compatible.
Remember to keep your toys clean and hygienic – a wet wipe won’t do it!
Whether you enjoy sex with men, women or any other gender identity, the use of a phallus (or additional phallus) really extends your versatility as a sexual playmate.
If you aren’t used to being the one performing the thrusting motion during sex, you are in for a surprise! It’s incredibly hard work. You’ll work your waist, thighs and butt like never before, and it can be some pretty intense cardio! One speculates how much those curvy Instagram models might be using them. You’ll probably find it easiest to start off standing, with your partner raised up to receive. Once you’ve conditioned your muscles with a little practice, you can also try being on top, underneath or kneeling face to face, but the workout is amplified. Regularly changing positions will help you to keep going until you get yourself into strapon-fit form.
As you won’t be able to feel the entry, you may find it takes you a while to get the position right and notice when it slips out. Practice makes perfect. Most harnesses will hold the dildo against your mons pubis, so you can make it more physically arousing for yourself by incorporating a vibrating toy in the concealed pocket in the harness ring or inserting a vibrator into your own vagina or anus at the same time.
You are going to need a well-fitting harness to attach your toy to. Fortunately, they are almost all adjustable to fit different sizes and builds, and many are made in such a way as to also leave your vagina, testicles or anus exposed for additional play options. The beautiful corsette harness brings a ladylike elegance to attach your chosen artificial penis to you, with security, accuracy and a divine femininity. You can construct your outfit to match it.
Though strapons are, of course, mainly designed for penetrative sex, there are a number of other fun ways they can be used:
All in all, every self-respecting sexually empowered adult should own at least 1 strapon. It’s a basic part of the sex god or sex goddess kit, opens up worlds of new fun and can be used by pretty much anybody. Treat your harness well and it will last you years. Swap out the dildo whenever you wish, to suit your mood or the kind of play you want to try. No real penis ever had so much versatility!
]]>Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission, and Sado-Masochism (BDSM) isn’t very well understood by people who do not engage in it.
In part, this is due to how it is portrayed in popular culture. Mainstream films, like 50 Shades of Grey and 365 Days, are often the only example that people see. And films like these portray BDSM as unhealthy at best, and abusive at worst.
However, the reality of BDSM is very different.
For more on the basics of BDSM, see my recent Introduction to BDSM, but here I will be looking more closely at some of the most common misconceptions and countering them with things that the kink and BDSM community would really like people to know.
Sometimes true.
As someone who has been exploring kink for a while now, this one makes me giggle. In essence, it’s a caricature of BDSM. Yes, BDSM can involve leather, and chains, and dungeons, and whips, but do these things feature regularly? No. Not in my experience.
There is definitely something about what you wear that can help you to get into a Dominant headspace, but, again, BDSM is so much more than that. I used to love it when my Dom wore tracksuits bottoms (no, not just grey ones) and I never use leather – or any animal products at all, actually – because I’m vegan and that translates into the bedroom.
Definitely not true.
I love attending kink events. I love them because (almost) anything goes and there are people belonging to literally every sub-group of society that you can think of in attendance.
BDSM is so much more common than you think. I personally know lawyers, accountants, bankers, healthcare professionals, musicians, and teachers who enjoy it. Sadly, society judges people for the choices they make in relation to their private lives, and the common narrative seems to be that people who engage in BDSM are not able to be “upstanding members of society”.
I can tell you that this is simply not true; I’ve met some of the best, most intelligent, most compassionate, and most gentle people I know through kink.
Not true.
Healthy BDSM hinges on consent. Therefore, by definition it cannot be abusive. If there is no consent, what is happening is not BDSM, it is abuse.
BDSM is a way of consensually playing with the exchange of power. It involves communication and negotiation and the limits of what is acceptable and what isn’t are set by the person “giving up” their power.
Of course, there is a fine line and coercive control is a very real factor that needs to be taken into account when exploring power exchange dynamics. More on this a bit later.
Sometimes true, but likely not in the way you think.
According to a 2020 study (S. Ten Brink et al) there are, “No findings to support the hypothesis of BDSM being a coping mechanism for early life dynamics or trauma.”
50 Shades is a terrible example of BDSM from a trauma point of view. Christian Grey is acting out his childhood trauma by inflicting pain (emotional and physical) on Ana without consent. His entry into BDSM is also questionable, and his relationships with past therapists do not seem particularly helpful.
Many people who enjoy the different aspects of BDSM do not have traumatic pasts, or “Daddy issues”. Amongst other reasons, they enjoy it because it gives them the freedom to embody a different persona, a chance to access a part of themselves that doesn’t get acknowledged very often, or – shocking I know – simply because it’s fun, and it feels good.
However, there is also a lot to be said for the safe space that BDSM can offer to allow people to process trauma, if trust, consent and communication are firmly in place. Furthermore, according to the same study mentioned above, there is evidence that people who engage in BDSM are actually more self-aware, possible more mentally healthy, and much more mindful about sexual practises than people that don’t.
This has absolutely been my experience.
Not true.
A healthy BDSM dynamic is all about consensual power exchange. This means that the Dominant will hold the power sometimes, and the submissive will hold the power at others. And, ultimately, the limits of play are defined by the submissive/ bottom.
Again, misconceptions like this one overlook consent. Within the confines of BDSM, Dominants do not “use” their submissive outside of what has been agreed, even if it may appear this way from the outside. In some dynamics, and often within specific scenarios, a submissive will consent to being “used”, and – again – it is this part of BDSM that is regularly depicted in popular culture but without the negotiations that go on behind the scenes.
The submissives I know are anything but weak; in fact, submission helped give me my voice.
Not true.
Yes, there is usually a sexual element to BDSM, but the idea that people who practise it are sex-addicted, unable to maintain committed relationships, or constantly having orgies is a myth.
In fact, there are many ways to practise BDSM without involving sex at all. While they may incorporate a sexual element, the “Discipline” and D/s parts especially can often be unrelated to sex. Discipline is often something that is woven into a dynamic in a number of ways, ways that can be powerfully positive for an individual and a couple, and that can have absolutely nothing to do with sex. And D/s can be as much about service as it is about sexual submission.
BDSM is often synonymous with debauchery… but many people who are in D/s dynamics are monogamous, and just like monogamous relationships in general, these can be short-term, long-term, casual or marriage.
However, monogamy is not the only option and the kink community is often a little more open-minded about what relationships look like. I wrote previously about ethical nonmonogamy but this, too, is not the hedonistic, debaucherous affair most people assume it to be.
BDSM absolutely can be a way to open yourself up sexually, but is it just sex? No.
Not true.
It is only the S&M part of BDSM that involves pain, yet somehow the whipping and spanking is the only part that’s ever really depicted. Perhaps because the rest of it is “too boring”. Except, it’s the other parts of it that distinguish it from abuse.
Totally untrue.
If you were to ask me a single thing the kink community would like you to know about BDSM, it is that BDSM is nothing like 50 Shades of Grey!
I’ve spoken about this throughout, but the desire for BDSM to be removed from associations with 50 Shades of Grey is the one thing that came up over and over again.
50 Shades, while it captured people’s minds and was the first time the idea of BDSM really became mainstream, was actually a very problematic depiction. It relied heavily on damaging tropes like those I mentioned above: that it’s all about trauma; that it’s a way for a Dominant to abuse a submissive; that the submissive has no power; that it’s a dirty little secret.
BDSM, in practise, looks different depending on who is doing it, and on which day you are talking to them. One day, it might be S&M heavy: spanks and whips. On another day, it might well be cuddles and colouring. So, it’s hard for me to encapsulate all its nuances and complexities in one article. But here are some of the most important things to know:
As I’ve already mentioned a number of times, BDSM relies on consent, another topic I’ve written about previously. Consent cannot be gained through coercion, and relies on both parties being in a frame of mind that allows them to be fully able to decide what they want.
The kink community has a number of different acronyms that they use in order to assess this:As you can see, consent features across the board, but so does the idea that people who practise BDSM need to do so with a significant level of consideration for themselves and the others involved.
BDSM can involve some practises that are inherently considered not to be “safe” (anything that involves inflicting pain, for example) and evolving language around mental health means that “sane” is not so good at encapsulating the complexities of an appropriate headspace. For these reasons, the SSC acronym, is starting to be used less and RACK/ PRICK used more.
However, it’s important to acknowledge that what’s important here is perhaps not so much the semantics as the meanings themselves. And regardless, enthusiastic consent is the lynchpin in deciding whether a BDSM dynamic is healthy or not.
For me, trust takes time; for others, trust is implied as a given until it is broken.
With BDSM, I always err on the side of caution. When meeting a new partner, I will take my time getting to know them before we engage in any physical BDSM-related play. I will also chat to friends on the scene, and be very open about the way things are going and any green or red flags that come up. And, while it is often frowned upon to share partners, in the kink scene I really enjoy getting to know people through other people because it often means they are vouched for.
Importantly, the bondage and S&M parts of BDSM are not something that should be taken lightly. There are some very real safety issues involved in anything that involves restraining someone or inflicting pain – mental or physical – on another person. In order to enjoy it, you have to trust the person you are with. Most importantly, you have to trust them to stop if you ask them to.
And that’s where the communication part comes in. Unlike Christian Grey and Anastasia (whose nod to this was her signing a contract), BDSM is all about negotiation and communication. I go into more depth about limits and safewords in the other articles in this series, but a healthy BDSM relationship is one in which communication happens – a lot. I have never communicated so much, or so honestly, with partners.
Communication happens when you discuss the things you like and don’t like and aren’t sure if you like; it happens verbally and nonverbally; it happens during a “scene”; and it happens afterwards. It is constant. And it’s brilliant. But again, this is rarely – if ever – really depicted in portrayals of BDSM.
BDSM is actually incredibly intimate. It involves engaging with your emotions. It is raw and real, and it creates incredible bonds between people.
I mentioned this above, but this bears repeating: BDSM is about consensual power exchange but the power in a healthy BDSM dynamic is ultimately held by the submissive/ the bottom. It is the boundaries and limits of the sub that dictate what can and can’t happen, and it is up to the Dominant/ the top to respect and adhere to this.
Limits can be anything:Limits are even more important in scenarios, in which it may seem that the Dominant is ignoring a sub’s boundaries (for example, consensual non-consent play, which often involves a submissive being overpowered despite saying, “No”). However, these kinds of scenarios take an awful lot of negotiation beforehand, and are only ever undertaken if safewords and safe signals have been agreed. They are role-play and I cannot stress this enough: in a healthy BDSM dynamic, consent is imperative and always in place.
The aim of this article is to humanise BDSM and debunk some common misconceptions.
In summary:See also An Introduction to BDSM
]]>BDSM… four little letters, with such a big impact… When you hear them, what comes to mind?
For many people who haven’t explored BDSM, the answers to that question often range from, “Chains and whips,” to, “50 Shades of Grey,” to, “Abuse.” Most of them centre around pain and trauma, and they are likely from depictions of BDSM in popular culture.
However, while enjoying films like 50 Shades isn’t inherently problematic, what is problematic is using the depiction of BDSM that is shown in mainstream media and assuming that all BDSM practises are like them.
What is missing, is a range of examples, that depict healthy and unhealthy BDSM relationships. 50 Shades falls squarely into the latter. BDSM has been historically stigmatised and pathologised and pop culture does little to change that.
According to a recent Science Direct study, almost 50% of the general population have engaged in BDSM-themed activities at least once, and 69% had fantasies about BDSM-related activities.
So, even if BDSM doesn’t appeal to you personally, it’s really worth taking a little time to challenge your existing perception of what it is, especially if your current perception is built on the way it is represented in pop culture. I have been exploring kink and BDSM for over half a decade now, and I can tell you – from personal experience – that it is nothing like 50 Shades of Grey.
This is the first part of a mini-series about BDSM, covering the following:I am going to start at the beginning: by breaking down the acronym itself, and explaining why BDSM really isn’t all chains, whips and Christian Greys.
Often, when people think about BDSM, they go straight to that last one – the S&M part, the one that’s all about pain. But to the people that practise it, BDSM is so much more than that.
Before I go into more detail about what each pair of letters stands for, let’s take a look at the concept that is at the heart of any healthy BDSM practise: consensual power exchange.
Most of us are actually pretty experienced at negotiating power exchanges in our daily lives: in our romantic relationships, at work, with friends, with children. However, most of these exchanges of power are hidden somewhere under the surface, they’re implied – or consciously negotiated – but we rarely talk about them in terms of power.
They are often subtle, and can manifest as an agreement to leave the toilet seat down, or which brand of toothpaste is added to the weekly grocery shop, or even who decides which side of the bed you sleep on.
BDSM creates a space in which power exchanges – sometimes like these, sometimes very different – are explicitly negotiated. These negotiations are always consensual (even if they may not look like it) and, when they are to do with sex, they allow for an element of fantasy that is truly exciting.
In a nutshell then, BDSM is not about pain; it is about power. And I think we can all agree that power, and the exchange of it, is fascinating.
Bondage and discipline is the part of BDSM that interests me the most. Of course, it can be physical – ropes and restraints – but it is often more about mental power play.
It can be as simple as following consensually negotiated protocols. As above, these could be agreements about where you sleep, or the toilet lid situation, but it can also go a lot further. It could be agreeing on a self-care routine, responding in certain ways to certain commands, or calling someone by an honorific, such as “Sir”, or “Mistress”.
Discipline, for me, has looked like: sending daily pictures of my work outfit; adhering to an exercise routine; and once, being made to walk – blindfolded – from the door to a chair, and to keep trying until I managed it. Spoiler: it was harder than it sounds and was all sorts of frustrating, but ultimately it was a beautiful lesson in patience and realistic expectations.
Conversely, the sexual side of B&D is absolutely about being physically restrained and this can be using rope, under-the-bed restraints, duct tape, and often includes some level of sensory deprivation too. For me, this is an almost meditative experience in the right setting. Being unable to move, means I have no choice but to relax, and it means I connect with my body in ways I otherwise wouldn’t. If someone else is in charge of the toys, it can open the door to excruciatingly pleasurable experiences like edging and orgasm denial, too. Being blindfolded can help as well, as it heightens my other senses.
The D&s part is often, but not always, closely related to the B&D element of BDSM. Similarly, it is built around a power exchange, but this time it specifically relates to a dynamic between a Dominant and a submissive. In order to convey the power balance, the “D” is usually capitalised and the “s” is lower case; it is often shortened to D/s. While there are many sub-dynamics within the category of D/s relationships, for sake of simplicity, I am going to talk in general terms.
Basically:D/s relationships can be 24/7 and reliant on Total Power Exchange (TPE). This means that the agreed roles are a lifestyle choice for both parties that they alway adhere to. Often it is these dynamics that are shown in popular culture, perhaps because they provide the largest shock value for those watching. The truth is that very few dynamics are actually 24/7; for most couples, the D/s dynamic is simply one part of their relationship.
D/s relationships can be enjoyed by anyone, and a healthy dynamic is borne out of trust, communication and consent. They do not rely upon any of the following: an age gap; a wealth gap; pain; or the Dominant party being male and the submissive being female. They may or may not include a written contract. And the part that most people don’t realise, is that the agreed protocol is actually dictated by the limits of the submissive, not the demands of the Dominant. This means that the ultimate power is usually held by the sub, but the beauty of the dynamic is in how this power passes hands in different ways.
BDSM is not reliant on pain, but S&M can form a healthy (yes, really) part of a BDSM relationship.
So what is it?It’s important to note here, that Dominance and submission are not interchangeable with sadists and masochists. While many Dominants (Dom/mes or Tops) would also identify as sadists, and many submissives (subs, or bottoms) would also identify as masochists, you can absolutely be a Dominant and not a sadist, and a submissive and not a masochist. It’s also possible – but much rarer – to be a masochistic Dominant or a sadistic submissive.
Again, the S&M is a form of power exchange, and it hinges on trust, consent and communication. It can involve: light spanking by hand (gloves can also feel nice); impact tools like canes (that produce a “stingy” pain) and paddles (that are more “thuddy”); or other types of pain like candle wax and (my personal nemesis) clothes pegs. It can take time to figure out what you love, what you hate, and… what you love to hate.
And, if you are new to S&M it’s important to start slowly and gently. My pain threshold changes over time. If I haven’t engaged in any pain play for a while, it can be incredibly low, but if I am doing it regularly I can enjoy a lot more. I also find I am much more sensitive around my period.
Non-consensual pain is not BDSM. In a dynamic that includes pain, the following are imperative. Prior to playing, you need to:S&M can also involve emotional pain, like humiliation and degradation. The above still apply: are there any words you don’t want used? Any lines you don’t want crossed? And how are you going to differentiate between fantasy and reality?
Hmmmm… this is a tricky one. Why do people enjoy anything? Ask ten people this question, and you will get ten different answers.
Frustratingly, depictions like 50 Shades, rely on the idea that engagement in BDSM is intrinsically linked to trauma, or abuse. This is simply not true.
Sadly, BDSM can be an opportunity for abusers to take advantage of vulnerable people. And this is why consent and communication are so important, as well as an understanding of the risks of some BDSM practises. Kink and BDSM have provided me with an entire network of people, with whom I can discuss my concerns about my own thoughts and feelings, as well as the behaviours of those I meet.
And, while some people will stumble across kink in an attempt to understand and process past trauma, for many the two are not connected at all. However, BDSM can provide a safe space to push oneself and face into difficult feelings and can be an incredibly healthy way to do it. But people like what they like, and that is absolutely ok. In fact, it’s more than ok, it’s the beauty of being human.
What is dangerous, is when people link BDSM with trauma and abuse and judge others for what they do in their private lives. The most important thing for anyone engaging in BDSM is to understand what healthy and unhealthy BDSM looks like, and this cannot be done by watching 50 Shades of Grey.
She admitted that she’d worried that he might not like her dominant behaviour, or that he would think it was too much. But afterwards, he admitted to her that he had loved it and wished that she had continued.
If this strikes a cord, perhaps sexual dominance is ready to be released. Here are some simple tools to bring her to the surface.
Firstly, how does dominance look? Is it standing a certain way? Is it wearing certain clothes? Which piece of clothing in your closest makes you feel powerful, confident and beautiful? Think about it. Dominance is all about confidence, and feeling good about yourself.
So, identify what being dominant means to you and write it out. Have some sort of idea how that looks on you, not how it looks on someone else.
Dominance and submission is all about power exchange and exchanging power can make things feel more intense.
Don’t be nervous or hesitant when you tell him what to do. Maintain your confidence. Walk up behind him and kiss his neck. Take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom. Push him down onto the bed and start unbuckling his pants. Gently bite his neck.
Start with the easier things, and you’ll quickly notice how easy & fun it is!
Some practical tips if you do feel nervous:“Dominance is a personality characteristic. The kinky aspect can be learned, but true DOMINANCE is all personality, you either have it or you don’t.”
Talking dirty to your man is so powerful. It builds sexual tension and keeps him thinking about you when you’re not around. How you say the words is most important and when you see how powerful your words are, you will soon be exploding with confidence.
You can use dirty talk in the bedroom, or discreetly in public
Here are some dirty things you can say to your man…These are just a few ideas to get you started on your journey to Dominance. Be creative; there are so many situations where you can use dirty talk to get what you want. Practise and you’ll be dominating him in no time.
This one is so easy.
A flatmate of mine wanted me to contact a friend to see if she was interested in him. He wanted something from me, so I took this opportunity to get something from him. It was my turn to clean the bathroom, so I told him if he cleaned the bathroom to my liking, I would message her on his behalf. He immediately went to clean the bathroom.
The fun part was inspecting it behind him, and telling him it wasn’t good enough while pointing out what he needed to do to meet my standards. The power exchange was subtle but effective and needless to say, once he was done, the bathroom was spotless.
This goes back to step 2: take the Initiative and you will feel your confidence grow. Start with chores. Make a list for him and deny him what he loves most of all – his climax.
Once he has completed the household chores to your liking, you can reward him. Tell him that he’s been a really good boy and, because of this, he will be allowed sexual access to you.
You get the idea. The difference here is that he will know that it is a reward and that you’ll be doing it continuously, with him wanting it to be this way.
After all, “Dominance isn’t about sex, it’s about Power.”
It’s important to remember that a sex toy doesn’t replace you: it enhances you.
You can use a variety of sex toys and props (including vibrators, blindfolds, spanking paddles, wedge pillows, and riding crops) for consensual and mutual sexual pleasure. It’s always a good idea to start slow when introducing sex toys into a session, especially if it’s the first time. And remember, when you’re using it to stimulate your partner, you are in full control. You get to decide the speed, the pressure, and the rhythm.
When you introduce the idea to your partner, make it clear that this is for both of you. You can use spanking as foreplay before sexual intercourse, or as a kinky punishment during Submission and Domination play. Giving an erotic spanking can increase blood flow in your partner’s groin area to enhance their sexual pleasure.
Asserting your confidence in the bedroom is all about showing that you’re not threatened by trying new things, or new toys. Trust me: your partner will thank you. Because having the right set of tools at your disposal doesn’t diminish your presence in the bedroom – it takes your game to the next level.
Note: This article is aimed more towards heterosexual couples comprising a male that has submissive tendencies and a woman that is mainly submissive in the bedroom but wants to release her dominant side. Therefore, healthy communication is assumed. Safewords, limits and aftercare are all things to take into account when dominating a partner and more can be found on these subjects in our upcoming BDSM mini-series.
Being Dominant is more of a personality trait, but dominating your partner in the bedroom can be learned. Remember, it simply takes time and practise to get used to.
One thing that can help is if you require him to call you by a specific name during a scene. As well as showing him who’s boss, and bringing a fantasy element into your play, it can also help you to get your head in the game. It could be as simple as “Mistress”, but you can be as creative as you like.
Remember our first step? Ask yourself, “what does being dominant look like to me?”. Certain outfits, costumes, or props may also be useful to help you feel into your dominance. Choose activities and outfits that you feel sexy and powerful in, but that are also comfortable. You don’t need to wear leather or thigh-high boots if that’s not your style. Simply wear and do what you makes you feel in control instead of imitating a cliché.
It is likely to be hard to get in the right frame of mind if you’re uncomfortable and self-conscious. While there may be a little awkwardness or a few giggles in the beginning, if you’re comfortable, and you feel good, you should be able to perform and enjoy yourself more and more as you gain experience.
Now that you have a few tools to help you discover your dominant side, consider if being more dominant is right for you, or something you’re willing to explore with your partner. If full on dominance feels like too much, the easiest way to start is to experiment with dirty talk. I promise that you will begin to feel empowered. Dirty talk can get just about anyone in the right headspace within seconds.
And as for what’s in it for you… the most positive outcome is a healthier relationship with yourself. Your happiness is the priority, and you will get the satisfaction that your partner is enjoying doing things that make you happy, simply to make you happy.
So, go forth, conquer, and most importantly, have fun. And feel free to let us know if you try out any of these tips!
By: Sadistic Coach, Fitness Domme of the Kink & Fetish Community
]]>The thought of seeing someone you love having sex with someone else is normally filled with negative connotations: catching a cheating spouse and the jealousy, anger, hurt, betrayal and all that goes alongside it. But… what if watching your partner with someone else was a choice? How would you feel then? We’ve talked to a number of people who have done just that to find out more.
The first question is: where, or in which scenarios, might you be in a position to watch your partner have sex with someone else? The answers to this are wide ranging, and sometimes surprising.
The most common answer is as part of a threesome. With dating apps like Tinder and Feeld allowing for partnered profiles, searching for a third (often affectionately called a “unicorn”) has become almost normal. However, there are implications to this kind of dating, known as “unicorn hunting”, that we will go into a little bit later.
Another route is swinging, or consensual partner-swapping. Cara and Jamie* are a professional heterosexual couple who have been together for 20 years, and they have been swinging for 14. For Cara, swinging creates a level of complicity that the couple share, which in turn brings about an even greater level of intimacy.
Others take it a step further and organise their own group sex sessions, or orgies, which have something of a sordid reputation but are in essence simply a shared expression of passion (so long as they are consensual).
There are also a number of public, or members-only, sex and fetish nights to be found around the country. In London, some of the bigger names are Torture Garden, Killing Kittens, Skirt Club and Klub Verboten, while Pleasure Island, Liquid Love, Little Black Book and Future Parties are among the lesser known events. Nights like these all have different themes, dress codes and rules of engagement but attending an event means you will be likely to witness other people having sex; whether that is your partner is entirely your mutual preorgative.
In a society where we are taught that jealousy is, in effect, a measure of how much we love someone, choosing to watch them in the throes of passion with someone else is not a particularly conventional choice. Many people have fantasies about group sex, seeing their partner sleep with someone else, or even having sex with someone other than their partner. But what makes someone move that fantasy into reality?
Above, Cara explained the intimacy and feelings of complicity that accompany watching her long-term partner, Jamie, have sex with other people. For them it helps to keep their relationship alive and to maintain a level of attraction that many long-term relationships lose. “It takes a lot of love and trust to reach this level of intimacy,” says Cara. And Jamie wholeheartedly acknowledges the taboo around it: “There is something very wrong and perverse about seeing and hearing your loved one be screwed to high heaven by someone else.” For him, the “wrongness” is part of the very reason it’s exciting.
For Matt*, a single man in his 40s, watching his partner have sex with someone else was about mutual respect. By acknowledging the desire to be intimate with other people, him and his partner were able to circumvent the urge to go behind each other’s back.
Nikonrope, who has been in a number of different situations where she has seen various partners having sex with others (the first being a Harry Potter-themed orgy) says that there are two main things she enjoys about it. Firstly, it gives her a chance to learn things about her partners in a way she wouldn’t normally get to do. “Being able to observe them from the outside can make you notice little things you perhaps miss when you’re in the moment together.” It’s an opportunity to get even more insight into what they like and dislike and how their body responds to different sensations.
Secondly, watching how differently her partners often play with others can put things in perspective: “The way they play with another person could be completely different to the way that we play, which is key I think. To know that the things you do with that person are special and sort of exclusive to the two of you, because no dynamic or connection is the same.”
For Lucy*, who identifies heavily as a voyeur, it simply turns her on: “I love it. It’s like live action porn starring people you know and care about.”
39-year-old Oli*, who has been on the kink/ fetish scene since his mid-twenties explored threesomes regularly in a long-term relationship. For them, it was partly a way for his partner to explore her bisexuality, and they did so regularly with a close female friend.
Louise and Mike*, a couple in their 50s, have had similar experiences. Exploring with other women allowed Louise to acknowledge her bisexuality. “I no longer identify as heterosexual,” she says. “Having my first bisexual encounter at 50 has validated my feeling that I was always bicurious and, having been able to explore this is something I’ve really enjoyed.”
Watching a partner have sex isn’t just for the young, it can lead to wonderful realisations later in life too.
So… now we know why people might choose to watch a partner having sex with someone that isn’t them. But how does it feel when you’re actually doing it?
Despite knowing she wanted to, Nikonrope predicted that the first time she saw a partner with someone was likely to feel strange. “We are brought up with this idea that if our partner sleeps with someone else it’s a reflection of us being ‘not good enough’,” she says, and her first response to seeing her partner kiss someone else was a need to leave the room. But, with time and more partners and parties, it’s gotten better and better. “I’ve been in many different situations and seen different play partners play with people when we’ve been out. Now it’s something I actually enjoy and find really hot at times.”
Jamie echoes this: “Even after all these years the moans of pleasure, and the look of pure ecstasy that my wife has on her face during sex with others, still excite me the most out of any sexual activity that I’ve ever done myself.”
Matt describes it as a privilege as well as a turn-on. “For me it was a very visual experience. Knowing my partner was enjoying being pleasured… and to share that with her, knowing we would go home together afterwards.” And this is also a common theme. For a number of couples, the post-play debrief was an active part of the experience.
Louise and Mike have been in several situations where they have had the chance to watch each other with other people. Despite having more “bad” experiences than great ones, it doesn’t put them off, and can actually help to work out what doesn’t work for them. Louise explains that for her, the experience is very much dependent on finding the right people, and Mike goes on to say that it’s a libido-killer if he steps into “protective mode”: if — for example — he sees that Louise isn’t enjoying something. But the feelings he gets when she is having a good time are incredible: seeing the smile on her face, and even making eye contact with the person she is with, all add to the positive feelings around it.
Louise describes the feelings of enjoyment she gets from watching Mike. “I get to watch his nurturing side as he pleasures someone else. I can see what he’s doing, and I know how good it feels, so I get to almost embody that feeling too.”
Overally, the most common feeling by far was ‘compersion’. Compersion is literally ‘the antithesis’ of jealousy : it is a feeling of happiness or joy that comes about because of the happiness and/or joy of another person. While compersion absolutely doesn’t have to be about sex, or even relationships, it’s a well-known term in the kink and polyamorous communities.
Almost everyone we talked to described feelings of compersion when watching their partner sleep with someone else: they felt good because their partner felt good. Watching their partner experience pleasure, seeing their responses, hearing their moan was a pleasurable experience for them too. Cara explains: “When you love someone you want them to be happy. Watching the one I love experiencing a lot of pleasure with someone else is highly arousing and exciting.”
For Nikonrope — and likely many others — it was something that took a long time to process, though. “You can read about it all you want,” she continues, “but reading about it and seeing it are two very different things. It’s also important to remember that it’s OK to feel weird about it the first, second, third time it happens. I guess it’s also a question of whether or not you actually want to get used to it or not. It’s not for everyone.”
And this part is important, for many people group sex situations are just not something that excites them. For others the thought might be a turn-on, but they will remain firmly in the realm of fantasy. But for those that do choose to jump in with both feet, isn’t jealousy inevitable?
Jealousy is a complicated emotion; you can feel jealous while simultaneously feeling turned on or excited, and feelings we associate with jealousy can often be the product of something else entirely (like feeling unsafe). Similarly, jealousy can be perceived as a negative feeling, or simply a feeling: one that can be acknowledged and managed along with any other. Some of the people we spoke with didn’t mention jealousy at all, it simply didn’t come up but for most, they went in with their eyes open: knowing it’s a possibility makes it easier to deal with if it happens.
Lucy explains that her feelings of jealousy only normally appear in the aftermath of a group play session and often this is due to different “aftercare” needs for different individuals. Louise and Mike explain that for them, feelings of jealousy or envy are usually accompanied with an understanding that they “messed up” somewhere along the way, and it’s an opportunity to reflect on where those feelings came from.
Jealousy wasn’t an issue for Oli and his two female play partners, and he puts this down to their close friendship. However, he is aware that there are scenarios where that may not be the case: “My partner and I subsequently discussed the possibility of playing with another male at some point, but were less certain that it would go so well. Neither of us could really pinpoint why that would make a difference though, which just goes to show that logic and emotion are very different things.”
For Nikonrope there were very real feelings of jealousy and sadness the first time she watched a partner with someone else. “At that point I just wanted to go home,” she says, “But I talked myself into staying, thinking I had to get over it and that it was going to get better. I ended up having a great time at the party and am glad I decided to stay!”
So, if your curiosity is piqued, what do you need to know?
So you think you want to watch your partner have sex with someone else? Great! Sit with that thought before you do anything else with it. The most important thing about being able to be honest with others, is to first be honest with yourself. Consider why you want to do it, is this for you, or for your partner, or something you think could be great for both of you? Look at it from all angles, consider all the possibilities, the best- and worst-case scenarios and everything in between. Think about how you might feel, and how you might respond to those feelings. And be honest with yourself.
The reality is that feelings are likely to come up whether you are single or in a relationship. As well as being a lot of fun, involving yourself in group sex dynamics can be complicated and overwhelming, at least to begin with. Make sure you are coming at it from a solid base. That thinking you did earlier? That’s where this comes into play. Resilience, self awareness and a feeling of security are all helpful, perhaps even necessary, when considering group play. Do you feel like you can manage the feelings that come up? If you are part of a couple, are you able to compromise and hold space for each other as well as the other people you may come into contact with? A solid emotional base, as an individual or as a couple, is important to make group play fun and that’s why you’re here, right?
In any form of open relationship the key is to over-communicate. Communicate, communicate, communicate and then communicate some more. The feelings you have about seeing your partner having sex with someone else may be quite different from the feelings you thought you might have, for better or worse. Be willing to talk honestly about how you feel. But also, be willing to take a level of responsibility for your own feelings, at least in the short-term. Causing a scene by demanding your partner listens to you while they are in the middle of play may not be a healthy way to communicate feelings of sadness, anger or jealousy.
While many people find they are able to go with the flow fairly easily in group situations, others need clear boundaries to be agreed ahead of time. It is rarely possible to predict every scenario that might crop up in a group play situation but considering some of them can be helpful, especially the first few times.
Some helpful questions for couples:
Clear boundaries can be very helpful and will be different for everyone but they can also be tricky to navigate, especially if they are a form of nonconsensual control (boundaries around playing, or not, with specific people or specific acts can be particularly problematic). As above, it is important to consider motivations and be honest with yourselves about what you can and can’t agree to and why you are asking in the first place.
Respect and consent are the cornerstones of group sexual activity. If you have agreed certain boundaries ahead of time, it is often best to respect them in the moment and reflect on them afterwards, rather than ignoring them or trying to move the goalposts in the middle of an event.
Similarly, asking for consent from all parties involved is imperative. While getting involved in an exciting looking scene at an event might sound fun for you, interrupting others mid-play is a big no-no. Etiquette is everything. Eye contact can be a way in, but always ask before jumping in and if in doubt wait until the particular scene is finished before imposing yourself onto others without an explicit invitation.
At the end of the day, you want your experiences to be fun. Challenging internalised beliefs around jealousy and sex might be tough, especially at first, but it shouldn’t be painful. You, and your partner, should feel safe. Try it once, try it twice, but if it’s too much don’t force it.
As mentioned earlier, ‘unicorn hunting’ is very much a thing. If you are part of a couple, and on the lookout for a third, remember that that person is as much a part of your dynamic as you and your partner. They are not disposable. They deserve as much care and attention as you do.
Watching your partner have sex with someone else is exciting but it’s also really not for everyone.
Oli’s advice: “I’ve always said that there are only two ways to have a successful threesome: one is when an established couple, in a healthy relationship, bring a temporary participant into their relationship. The other is when close friends decide to progress things beyond the platonic in a mutually beneficial and agreeable manner.”
Of course, there are many successful models of open relationships, ranging from monogamish (couples, as described by Oli, who play occasionally with a third) to full blown non-hierarchical models like relationship anarchy (where every connection — sexual or not — is, in theory, valued equally). The most important thing is finding what works for you and, of course, having fun!
* some names have been changed to protect identities]]>A spanking is a curiously laden term. From a childhood punishment to an adult pleasure activity, this worldwide cultural action can mean whatever you want it to.
Spanking is mentioned in the bible. It is recorded in ancient Egypt and China. The simple hand spank has been embellished with the use of tools throughout history to save the hand of the spanker and make the pain more intense for the receiver. From rods, to whips, to the cat o’ nine tails, the administration of corporal punishment to adults has not just been acceptable in society, but considered virtuous action since time immemorial.
Yet let us consider the fine, subtle art of spanking for pleasure.
What is your earliest memory of a spanking? As a bewildered toddler? A schoolchild receiving discipline from the Headmaster? Perhaps a young teen subjected to a novel combination of parental humiliation and control, while experiencing an unexpected and exhilarating rush of tactile sensation, awash with adolescent hormones?
Though studies have shown that regular exposure to pain as punishment for a young child can alter the development of the brain, there are few who have never experienced a spanking in some form.
Someone is touching you. Usually on the buttocks. Human contact, attention and interaction of any kind is a reward in itself, as we have come to realise more after the last long few months of lockdown.
Spanking as part of an elaborate role play. From a St. Trinian’s miscreant to a servant to any number of playful yet taboo fantasy scenarios, the use of light pain and physical control can form part of the scene and heighten arousal.
Being spanked allows the receiver to submit to the will of the giver. To offer contrition, to demonstrate submission and servility, if they wish. It is a physical manifestation of handing over control. And, in the words of Carl Sagan, ‘Everything in life is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.’
Conversely, receiving spanks allows the spankee to demonstrate toughness. to resist, to struggle, to show heroism and playfully battle the abilities of the spanker.
Vibrations. The vibrations from spanking can run through from the buttocks to the genital regions of the receiver, arousing them, heightening sensation and preparing the area for more exciting activity.
Sensation. The stinging sensation to the surface of the skin causes the area to plump up and swell, drawing blood flow to the area. As well as stimulating pelvic engorgement, this surface sting heightens the sensations that come after, which may be pleasurable. Anyone who has had a stinging slap followed by a tickle with a feather toy will know that without it, the feather is not nearly so effective.
Explore power, control, and even one’s own past. To recreate a situation and be in control of it can be both highly therapeutic and relaxing- almost hypnotic.
Being spanked can make you angry. If you are interested in primal play, or just need to get your blood boiling to have amazing sex with someone you don’t otherwise feel a strong connection to, a spanking is a great way to do it.
There is an art to spanking well. Though styles and scenarios vary, here are the bare bones of things you should know to leave your spankee impressed:
There are a number of wonderful books and workshops which teach the intricacies and advanced techniques of the art of spanking. Unlike some riskier experimental activities, spanking can be practiced with relative safety in privacy, at beginner level, with some minimal reading. As with so much of BDSM, spanking expertise isn’t about the hardest slap, or leaving a handprint. It is about crafting a journey together, that you both enjoy.
]]>Medical fetishism varies from the extreme fringes of the kink world to the simple enjoyment of your sexual partner dressing up in uniform. Where does this niche sexual interest come from, and how can one come to feel comfortable with it?
As with so much of our sexuality, experiences in our past with power, powerlessness, fear and trust intermingle with figures of authority, aid and comfort. There are few people who have never experienced the medical profession in one way or another. Often, this stays as an unerotic memory, but for others, it filters into the subconscious and becomes inexorably linked with sex and arousal.
Image credit Instagram profiles: Models: @official.belleohara @misueevee @effiediazx Photography: @sbglamourphotos – used with permission
Perhaps your partner has expressed an interest in medical play. Perhaps you, yourself, have an inkling that certain costume, scenarios or procedures are stimulating. What is safe to do, and how can we replicate experiences that we aren’t skilled to perform safely?
Consider how you can replicate things that present more risk, if they are crucial to the scene. An injection can be simulated by showing them a syringe and simply pinching the skin hard, provided they can’t see you do it. A ventilation mask can be purchased but not connected up to anything (just room air).
Mitigate risk of components that are vital for the scene by learning how to use them correctly, as well as the risks and potential side effects. Medical fetish is not an area in which one should be capricious. There are a few common fetishes which do have some risks:
Enemas: These can be purchased from a pharmacy and create an explosive bowel movement. They can also be done with warm water and a kit, bag or douche. Though generally suited for home use, they can have risks so read up well on the item you’ve chosen to use well before you begin. Use lubricant to insert the end, go slowly and carefully. From a practical perspective, ensure you’ve put down a towel and that the toilet is free.
Entox/gas: You are extremely unlikely to be able to source the gas needed for this legally, and if you could it is not suitable to use without proper medical supervision. As an alternative, you could buy special breath play devices and learn about their safe use, which will give a different but not entirely dissimilar effect.
Castration: This is a recurring fantasy for many, who will usually have no idea how it got started. Obviously, you are not going to slice your partner’s testicles off. Instead, this can be replicated theatrically with a little forethought. Use a surgical drape and ensure they can’t see the exact area. Use ice all around the area until it is completely numb. Wave a scalpel around in the air, talk them through the imaginary procedure as you pretend to do it, and present them with a carefully crafted substitute to see (perhaps two pickled onions?)
Restraints: From straight jackets to bed restraints, this is a popular element. Ensure the circulation remains good to the extremities and that your play partner can signal somehow if they need to be released.
If in doubt, don’t do it. Lots of fun can be had talking about it, saying you are going to do it, looking at the equipment, pretending to do it, and actually doing nothing. If something does still go wrong, have a plan. It will definitely not be the first time the emergency room has seen something similar. For bleeding or bruising, apply continuous firm pressure to the area and have something cold to hand to put on it. Have some dressings to hand (it also matches the scene, right?) and monitor any areas where you’ve played for signs of infection, such as redness, heat or excessive pain. At the first sign of trouble, seek real medical assistance. If you have given your ‘patient’ a tough session, they may feel light-headed, faint or dizzy afterwards. This can be from pain, adrenaline or just too much excitement. Make sure they are lying down safely on their side, get them a glass of water and stay with them. Sometimes a 15 minute cuddle works wonders.
If you have a lingering wish to explore medical fetishism, you want to enable your partner’s fantasies, or you want to add a new string to your bow of sexual or kink prowess, then experimenting with this role play in a way that feels safe, fun and comfortable to both of you is a completely natural expansion of your repertoire. Though this is a ‘kink’ that can run into the realms of the very extreme, there is no need to pursue it to that degree unless you wish to. Simply exploring the dynamics and aesthetics of the situation is 90% of the game. From the naughty nursey to the heroic fireman, uniforms and professional roles have always held a wide appeal for our sexual subconscious. Being cared for?
Well – that’s just always had universal appeal.
Disclaimer: This article is not intended as medical or professional guidance on any of the acts described, and is designed only to serve as a brief introduction to some of the possibilities, risks and considerations. You are advised to seek additional appropriate information and training in any and all of the acts suggested herein before attempting them yourself . Neither the author of this article nor Jo Divine or its affiliates accept any liability for harm caused by attempted enactments of scenarios suggested.
]]>In the recent heatwave, while many felt it was impossibly humid and unpleasant for sex, others have been capitalising on the opportunity to enjoy a little niche sensory play that really only comes into its own at this time of year – ice play.
Far from being a niche fetish (although it is for some), ice play and cold play fit beautifully with sensory foreplay for even the most vanilla of libidos.
Ice play isn’t an all-year round thing for many. In a cool climate the notion can seem unpleasant, and it takes the relentless, oppressive heat and humidity of several days to really make it a blissful treat that releases the wilted sexuality of our baked bodies in a wellspring of delight.
Ice play can, of course, be performed at any time, but nothing brings out the sheer pleasure of it like feeling excessively hot, right through to the bones. Other times of year, a long soak in a hot tub or some sexy sauna time first might make it more appealing.
The ice
It can be as simple or as complex as you want to make it. The first thing you are going to need is some ice.
Ice can be purchased in bags to break up, but caution must be exercised as the process can leave sharp edges- obviously they will soften as they melt rather quickly, but it is possible to scratch sensitive areas of your partner(s) with very cold, freshly cracked ice if you aren’t careful.
Don’t collect icicles from outdoors to use (it’s probably not the weather for it anyway if there are any) and don’t use frosty scrapings from the freezer- they will be teeming with bacteria and chemicals. Always only use fresh, clean ice.
Ice is, of course, easy to make yourself with freezer trays, that can vary in shape, size and even come in novelty moulds. As ice melts rather fast in play, it is better to select larger mould shapes to work with and make sure the ice is abundant. Ice cubes look amazing glistening in a crystal dish or silver ice bucket next to your play area. You can even boil the water before making the ice to make the cubes harder and crystal clear.
It can be tempting to experiment with the form of the ice you want to make – food colouring can be used to tint it, though it makes for a messier clean up, or fruit juices can be frozen to make for more tempting choices to lick and play with, though the sugar and acid content means that they will make you sticky and should be kept away from vaginal areas. Inserting an ice lolly or any sugar source penetratively is not good for vaginal health. Equally, any ice that goes in that area should be very clean- never scoop it out of your drink to use.
If food play is your thing, or you want to mix up the sensations with a little more gastronomic gratification, try freezing some watery fruits like orange or watermelon, or using icecream. The play and clean-up will be messier but it becomes more of a cooling sensual feast in addition to just the deliciously shivery skin sensations. You can teasingly feed your partner the frozen fruits, stroke the pieces down their neck and blur the boundaries between the gastronomic and pornographic delights.
Whatever form of ice you use, you will want to make sure you have a good supply on hand, as most pieces will last much less than a minute on hot skin and warm hands.
Before you begin, select a good area to work. You’ll want somewhere private and free from disturbances, with a comfortable place to sit or lie that can be protected from water, and obviously nothing electrical nearby. Outdoor furniture may work, a bed with a good waterproof sheet over it or a few layers of towels. Remember that however much ice you use, that’s the amount of water that’s going to end up on the furniture and floor. You’ll also need some hand towels or kitchen towels to dry yourself and your partner off as you go. Ice and water are slippery, so make sure you keep the floor dry and exercise caution.
With your partner’s enthusiastic consent, take a cube in your hand and slowly run it along the more sensuous areas of the non-erogenous zones of the body first. Try it in circles on the inner wrist, run it up the inner arm to the elbow and back down. Bring it up over the shoulder, around the base of the neck and round to the centre of the chest. Slow, swirling motions are delectable and titillating. Bring the cube round the side of the breast or chest and circle round toward the nipple. When you reach the nipple, it will probably become erect. Ice can feel quite intense here, so don’t keep it in place too long unless your partner enjoys it that way.
Work your way around your partner’s body, using new pieces of ice as necessary. Experiment with the sensation as they feel it on the torso, sides, back, around the buttock and to the inner thighs. They may love it on their feet or running up the legs. Carefully try the inner thigh, and around the genital area. Directly on the genitals may be too intense, but may equally feel wonderful, so proceed cautiously.
If it’s exceedingly hot, your partner may enjoy the cooling that’s effected (in completely non-sexual ways as well as the more sensual ones) by ice to the temples, sides of the neck and wrists particularly. Anywhere the pulse can be felt or has a lot of surface vasculature is going to make them feel cooler much more quickly.
-Put ice on your own lips and mouth before oral play, adding a new sensation to what you normally do. Cold fingers from holding the ice can feel delicious on the skin on a hot day, and the touch of your icy hand will erect the most disinterested of nipples.
-Work ice play into your bondage routine. If you enjoy some light shibari or tying, adding ice to your sensory play while you tie and tease will mix up the repertoire and make it a fresh new experience for you both.
-In addition to just stroking the ice along the skin, you can drip the icy water from a distance, creating anticipation and excitement for the next moment of sensation.
-After stroking the ice along a pathway on your partner’s body, you can warm it back up again and create a shiver of enjoyment by tracing the same path immediately afterwards with your tongue. This is especially fun to do if you have flavoured your ice.
-Place an ice cube on your partner’s chest as they lie down, then use your mouth to blow it along their skin towards their naval. The extra wind from blowing will cool the skin even more rapidly as the cold water evaporates, and the ice cube will take an unpredictable zigzag path, pausing between breaths. It can be a delicious torture.
-Incorporate ice play into your threesome or group sex – when there is a lot going on, the surprise and delight of ice in a hot steamy mix of sensations can make for a unique experience, even for the most jaded and blazé of veteran swingers. With less experienced threesome-afficionado’s there may often be times when one of the parties ends up a little neglected due to the geometry of the situation. In this case, coming in with ice play to the skin of any remaining areas that can be reached can both keep the odd-man-out occupied productively and heighten the experience for the other partner or partners who receive the benefit of the shivery delights.
- Temperature play skin safe toys are a godsend for those who love ice play and cold play but don’t love the mess. There are sex toys which can be kept in the refrigerator, never the freezer, ready to use, which can safely be inserted internally or used externally.
-If you and your partner enjoy spanking or impact play, use ice to soothe freshly pinked areas. Areas which have become red feel blissful with the gentle touch and application of ice afterwards. Focus your ice play here gently and the soothing sensations are both relieving and erotic.
If you have fallen into a sexual rut with your partner or don’t feel confident suggesting new things to try, ice in hot weather can be a very easy one to go for. Ice play can also be started in a more impromptu way (with a consenting partner), when everyone is very hot, by getting a small glass of clean ice from the freezer and using it to gently cool their pressure points, gradually becoming more sensual in the strokes and areas touched. If you have a partner who is reluctant to try new things, this gentle introduction may be a lovely experience that changes their mind about it.
Ultimately, it’s never too hot to have sex. Not if you know how to choose the right kind of sex.
]]>Seemingly the most mysterious of the sexual arts, the act of cunnilingus is one which can be sublime to both perform and receive. It can also be boring, painful, frustrating or unpleasant.
If you read 20 articles about how to give great oral sex (and I have today), you’ll get at least 100 different suggestions. Not one of the articles was without a suggestion which I, personally, would find awful. Herein lies the problem- you can’t learn a repertoire that will make you an expert. Everyone is so different, has different things they enjoy or despise at different points in the journey towards (possible, hopeful) orgasm and what is miraculous for one vagina owner is a torturous act of endurance for another to receive. Doesn’t sound very hopeful, does it?
Fear not, my lovely libertines, for there is one over-riding key to learning to perform fantastic oral sex. That key is adaptability.
Whereas most acts- from seduction to intercourse- are best performed with a sense of confidence and certainty, the act of cunnilingus is best approached with a sense of oneself as a novice. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve never gone down on a woman before or consider yourself the cunnilingus Casanova – whenever you are with someone new, you need to learn from the start.
There are a few commonalities to making the experience a good one:
Before you go anywhere near the intimate zone, you need to work your way down. You start with the mind.
Your words and actions are needed to generate the right combination between a sense of relaxed safety and sexual tension, the sense of arousal and intimacy that creates the mindset and pheromonal state in which the body prepares itself to receive physical attention. Set the mood, set the interaction, create a sense of warmth and luxury, of personal connection and of mutual trust. This doesn’t just apply to strangers- even if you have been married 20 years, there are obstacles life throws up for us that are barriers to feeling close. When we fix these, we break down our aggressions, fears and annoyances to return to our natural, erotic, loving state.
Next, involve the whole body. Start with gentle sensual touch to other parts of the body – the cheek, the lips, the neck, the breasts. Stroke the inner arms, massage the feet. You are laying offerings at the door to the temple of sexual pleasure. There is no part of the body which is more valuable than any other. Show them all some love in line with the likes of your partner and wake up the senses all over.
As you approach the genitals, stop and hover around the area. Gently stroke the lower belly, softly bite the inner thighs. Circle the area slowly, tease and tempt.
All too often, going down on a vagina is considered a brief act of foreplay before intercourse – an act simply to soften and wet the area to overcome friction. Before you begin, commit to the notion that you will do this until the sun comes up, not until your penis comes up. Whether or not your partner is able to orgasm, only orgasms occasionally or with difficulty, or orgasms in minutes, you need to plan this time to be dedicated to her (or his, or their) pleasure. This is not one-and-done.
If you want to be a truly phenomenal oral lover, you need to be prepared to put the work in without expectation of reward. Some people say they ‘love giving oral sex’. Yet these people are often not very good at it. Why? Because they are making it about their own enjoyment of the act, and their sense of themselves as a skilled lover, without focussing on the important thing. The pleasure of the vagina-owner. Be prepared to continue until you are asked to stop. Some people may take a while to reach their second, third or fourth orgasm. Some may know their bodies only normally create one. Yet unless you know for certain that they can’t have more than one orgasm, why shouldn’t you try? This is not a five-minute job for most. It is quite normal to take half an hour, two hours or more to reach climax. Often the longer it takes, the better it is. Subsequent orgasms may follow more rapidly. Everyone is so different.
Signals come in many forms. Fumbling under a duvet in the dark will obscure most of the visual cues. Signs of arousal include swelling, softening and reddening of the area, lubrication, warmth and sometimes a slight change of scent and taste. Beyond this, there is the pattern of breathing, the sounds they make and their actions. Do they grind towards you, hold their breath? Become tense? Stroke their skin? Do they tell you things in words?
If your partner tells you something they like, or dislike, they are guiding you towards what they have learned is most effective for them.
To perform excellent oral sex, this truly is the most key aspect. Tailor your approach, change your plans as you go and respond to what works for them. Respond to their body. Remember what works for them. An extensive repertoire of 50 tricks you learned that worked (or that you were told worked) on other women, mish-mashed into a sexual montage, is not nearly as effective as learning the two or three things that most drive your partner wild. It is this bespoke service that separates the men (or women) from the boys (or girls).
Because everyone is so different, there is no formula that is guaranteed to work for all, or even most. Here are some technical ideas you can suggest or try with your partner, if they like it:
The clitoris is more than a little bead at the top of where the inner lips meet- beneath the surface it stretches around each side and to the back in a wishbone shape. With the clitoris head itself, often a very delicate touch is best. Light, fluttery flicks, soft and slow gentle licks. The ability to vibrate one’s tongue is a (unfortunately rare) godsend that feels phenomenal, but if this is not possible, it is easy to buy oral sex toys that can give a similar sensation. Though the skin around the vagina is still delicate and sensitive, some partners may enjoy firmer pressure to the area as the anatomy of the clitoris is deeper here. Firm pressure to one side or the other of the clitoris is usually preferable to directly to the clitoris head. When in doubt, start softer and follow your partner’s lead as to whether harder pressure or faster movement is desired. Sometimes, soft and gentle is all it takes. Some prefer a firmer sensation. Learn what your partner likes and ask them how it’s feeling. It is better to start slower and softer – causing your partner pain or discomfort will ruin their experience and snap them out of the sensual reverie so necessary for enjoyment and orgasm.
Using the lips or tongue inside the vagina is enjoyed by some people, but many women find this to be a minimal, or even unpleasant sensation. Using the tongue like a tiny penis is generally not satisfying. Though stimulating the surroundings can be enjoyable and add to heightened sensation, the inside is unlikely to have any strong reactions from the tongue.
Instead, consider use of a gentle, well lubricated finger on the g-spot when nearing orgasm to give a combined sensation. This is often at the front an inch or two inside, though location varies. It feels slightly rough. A gentle, come-hither motion is usually more enjoyable than a strong pressure, and can sometimes even make your partner squirt!
The sensitive areas around the periphery of the vaginal opening vary greatly between women. See how your partner responds.
Use of the tongue around the edges of the anus is something that many women enjoy, but some dislike. This can be because of psychological associations, or it may just be that they don’t like the physical sensation. The skin at the perineum and around the anus is very sensitive, and this can either be enjoyable or may be ticklish. If this is something you’d like to try, as with anything, it’s best to see how your partner feels about it. Rather than being an awkward conversation, this can be part of your psychological foreplay, where you steamily discuss the things you might like to do together, and gauge her reaction.
You don’t have to do them all- watch the response.
The myth that oral sex is ‘safe’ or ‘lower risk’ than vaginal penetration needs to be debunked. So use dental dams or a cut down condom for either vuval/vaginal/anal oral sex. You can get flavoured dental dams and condoms in addition to flavoured lubricants ( we don’t recommend those for vaginal penetration but they are great for oral sex). You can even get vegan latex single use panties too.
Some women know they are more aroused or orgasm more easily when their oral stimulation is combined with stimulation of other areas. Nipple stimulation, stroking the buttocks, inner thighs, neck or pressing down with the flat of your hand on the lower belly can all help intensify the experience, depending on your partner.
Kissing – gentle pursing of the lips. Softly stroke the surfaces. Explore.
Blowing – the sudden change of temperature with gentle blowing can be arousing for some, and is sensuous.
Sucking – When sucking, go gently and see what the response is. Sucking too hard, especially over the head or hood of the clitoris, can be painful.
Licking – The tongue is a soft, wet and flexible instrument, with a huge number of nerve endings that allow it to navigate carefully. From a gentle flick, a glide over the surface or circling, it has the dexterity to do things and respond in a way the fingers, and certainly the penis, cannot. There is no need to cover the whole surface with big slurps like a Labrador unless your partner likes it that way. It is a precision instrument.
Once your partner is relaxed, highly aroused and the physical activity has been sustained for a while, she might be feeling like she’d like to climb to the summit of orgasm. Sometimes, that pathway is straight- if you’ve found something she’s really enjoying, carry on doing it. Don’t feel the need to change. It’s working!
Sometimes, for no apparent reason, the act that drove you insane with desire a moment ago fades away and you roll back down the hill a little. That’s okay- if your partner stops responding towards climax, try something slightly different. If you found a speed and pressure she liked, try it in a slightly different place – different by millimetres. Or stay in the same place but vary the speed or pressure. It’s not always necessary to increase speed or pressure approaching orgasm, unless your partner likes it that way.
If there is a general flaw, it’s changing what you do too much- 30 seconds of something isn’t even long enough to relax into it. Minor adjustments are best. Your jaw and tongue will tire of a new position long before a clitoris will.
Signs of climax approach vary between women. They may go tense, hold their breath, their leg may start to shake or they may call out. They may tighten up, they may become wetter, more swollen and pink on their labia and even the lips on their face. As you learn your partner’s body, you’ll become better at reading the signs. Continue doing just what you are doing as she climaxes. At the point she reaches orgasm itself, you may need to reduce speed or pressure, but keep yourself in contact with the same area. It may be very sensitive right after, and you’ll have to take a moment just keeping in contact with little to no pressure or motion, before you gently resume to aim for the next one.
How do you know when you are done? You are done when she is fully satisfied, and tells you so. Unfortunately, women particularly, in their wish to be loved, seen as suitable for their partner and not cause problems or hurt feelings, have been raised by generations of women who don’t feel they have the right to hold out for real orgasms. That even though they are multi-orgasmic, they should be more than satisfied to just have one. That ultimately, their partner’s sexual pleasure and orgasm is the vital thing, not their own. Because of this, we have also had generations of men indoctrinated with the personal mythology that they are amazing lovers, that all their partners orgasmed when they haven’t, or that penetrative intercourse ‘should’ be more than enough to ensure a woman’s pleasure. For the vast, vast majority of women, it really isn’t. Inexpertly performed oral sex isn’t either. For both those performing and receiving oral sex, we have a lot of learning to do. We have to overcome our fears, get honest with ourselves and learn the difficult work of communicating our needs, and listening to the responses of our partner.
Ultimately, we need to approach our partner knowing that we know nothing. Knowing nothing, but looking forward to the adventure of learning.
That, my lovely libertines, is how you perform amazing oral sex on a vagina.
Early on in my explorations, I got chatting to a guy — let’s call him Joe — who was in a successful, long-term nonmonogamous relationship. We met on a dating app, and chatted daily for months about all sorts: our kinks, our desires, our fantasies and importantly for me, his relationship. He was very open about their situation and answered all of my questions. We talked a lot about the work it took to maintain a nonmonogamous relationship and the lessons he and his partner had learned over the years, especially with regards to communication.
I found it fascinating and he quickly became my go-to source of information if I was curious about something. I learned an awful lot about what nonmonogamy could look like from Joe. And, all this time, we were also talking about meeting up but we never actually got around to it.
Until one day, when we were talking about some of our first date stories and the different ways of meeting people for the first time. We both had some tales to tell, from the good, to the bad, to the downright ugly. He then told me of a fantasy he had, which involved meeting someone in person for the first time and getting physical before any words were exchanged. This made me excited. But it also made me nervous. I am a thrill seeker and it appealed to my dangerous side, but I also knew the very real risks associated with this kind of thing.
Despite the trust I had in Joe, he was still in effect an unknown entity on the end of my phone, an internet stranger. Everything he had told me could very easily turn out to be a lie. But there were some green flags. We’d shared real-time pictures, so I knew the face he had posted on his dating profiles was actually him. Also, the length of time we’d been talking — and the lack of pushiness to meet — as well as the consistencies and the details in his stories made me feel safe. I ran a calculated risk analysis in my mind and, actually, he passed.
So, I said an enthusiastic yes and we got to planning.
I got ready to go meet him a few days later and the anticipation was intense. We chatted that day, hyping ourselves up and discussing the details – including what food I would like to eat “after”. His partner was going to be out but would be back at some point so I was also both nervous and excited at the thought of meeting her.
At the arranged time I left my place and made my way to his; he’d given me exact instructions of where to go and they weren’t simple – gates and blocks to navigate – and even less so given my nerves. I couldn’t wait, but I also kept wondering what I was doing. Bad dates for men tend to be categorised by a lack of sex. For women a bad date can be much more sinister… what if he was a murderer? As I stood at the door to his apartment block, reaching for the buzzer, I shook these thoughts away and allowed myself to trust my instincts. Our communication had been consistent and, as above, there were many, many green flags.
I buzzed his apartment number on the outside door and almost immediately it clicked open. I took a deep breath and walked in. The stairs were wide and carpeted, and it suddenly struck me that I was walking past other people’s homes. That thought made me both more excited and more nervous; the chances of getting caught were very real but for me there’s a thrill in that too. His apartment was on the third floor and I stopped on the staircase below to remove my tights and underwear as instructed and by this time my heart was beating out of my chest. I took a deep breath and walked up the remaining flight of stairs and as I did I could see him standing in his doorway. He watched me walk towards him, holding eye contact, and straight away my nerves disappeared and I was just left with excitement. There he was, in person, and he looked exactly like his pictures.
He had a mischievous twinkle in his eye and as I got closer he pulled down his trousers. He was already hard. Almost within touching distance, I hesitated for a moment, and fought back the urge to say, “Hello,” as I would have done on every single first meeting to date. Without saying a word, he took my bag and put it on the floor, and gestured for me to drop to my knees right there in his doorway. I obliged willingly and knelt in front of him, taking him in my mouth and the first sound I heard him made was a moan. He pulled me to my feet, turned me around, and used his fingers to check if I was turned on. Satisfied, he bent me over and took me from behind. There I was, looking out at the public staircase and the closed doors of his neighbours, with him, a relative stranger — equally, if not more, turned on than I — using my body for his own pleasure and giving me pleasure in return.
The whole thing didn’t last more than 10 minutes. Afterwards, he turned me around to face him again and said, “Hi,’ before kissing me. And then… it turned into a more conventional first date. He invited me in, we opened a bottle of wine and sat on his couch chatting in person about many of the things we’d learned about each other over text. We were both excited and before long we were having sex again; the ice was certainly broken. I stayed for a couple of hours and then his partner arrived too. We chatted for a while and then I took my cue to leave; but not before she’d lent me a book that she recommended to me.
All in all, the experience was a very beautiful one, but one that I did not take lightly. There were many layers of decision-making in the lead up to it, but ultimately I did trust my instincts and decision-making skills. It made me grateful to know that there are always wonderful people out there with whom you can turn fantasies into desires and realise them fully.
Joe and I saw each other a couple more times after that, and stayed in touch sporadically for a while more. But, ultimately, our lives became too busy and our priorities shifted and meant it never became a regular thing. It’s absolutely an experience I won’t forget and sometimes that’s all that matters.
]]>Enhancing play with warm and cold sensations stimulates the senses and our neuroreceptors which creates arousal and is a simple way to spice things up.
I have previously spoken about fire play. Wax and temperature play is safer and easier but requires practice and instruction before you can safely try it unsupervised at home, so read on to discover more.
Did you ever sit, playing with a candle at a table and poking it till the wax runs? Well, me too, the slow hot warm drips over your fingers or the table then sets hard…
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Do NOT use standard household candles for wax play. They burn far too hot, and the wax will scald anyone they are dripped on to. Do not be tempted to try. Wax play candles are specifically formulated and created for safe play.
It is important to know what the ingredients are in your wax play candles. Wax play candles are soy-based, unscented and only have skin safe colouring and minimal additives. Beware of cheap wax play candles from various web outlets, as many contain ingredients that are not suitable for safe wax play.
Light your candle, allow it to melt a little, then hold up and drip on the skin.
The wax will feel cooler the higher you hold the candle or more intense in temperature the closer you drip the wax onto the body. It is an instant heat sensation that passes in seconds before you feel the wax cool and harden. I recommend starting with play on the back before you try other areas of the body.
If you wish, you can create wax art by making different designs and pictures, however I’m personally not a fan of this, I like my wax play to be about the scene, how it feels for the person receiving the wax play and any wax is going to look pretty. You can get in many colours, including UV colours that look stunning and glow when a black light torch is shone on them.
Try mixing up the different sensations with temperature play and bring ice into your play, dripping hot wax in one hand and ice-cold drips from an ice cube with the other to mix up the mind.
You can also get pouring wax jugs which are best lit and left to melt for a couple of minutes, then blown out, then blow on the wax a little followed by a fast pour over the skin, creating an intense hit. These create long flowing wax on the skin, which looks and feels fantastic on the breasts or the curves of the bum. Do not leave these burning for long, it is best to relight to go on for another pour, as letting the candle burn too long makes the wax too hot in the jug and can leave burns on the skin.
If you are hairy, then you can put a bit of lube or body oil on the skin first to lubricate, although this only assists with wax removal and is not essential.
Always have a cool damp towel with you and stop if your partner is not tolerating the heat, as some skin types will be more sensitive than others. You may notice red marks after playing with wax, depending on skin type, but these usually go down quickly. You can also lay the damp towel over the red area, or even continue to play by running ice cubes over the skin after wax removal.
If you are nervous about trying wax play for the first time, try a workshop. If you would like to attend a wax play workshop, look out for dates on my social media.
This is as much fun as the wax, the scraping sensation is also part of the scene and creates an added level of stimulation. You can use scrapers, credit type cards and even a knife…..
My personal favourites are wooden wax play knives from Wicked Woods who trades at the London Alternative Market (LAM).
You slowly scrape your chosen removal item close to the skin and the hard wax lifts off, yes it’s messy, so have a bin handy. Wax play is best done with a dust sheet or mat on the floor or bed. Baby wipes can be used to soften wax, and a warm shower afterwards will get any last bits off the skin.
I make my own candles on a bespoke basis, and you can DM me on my Twitter account @mysecretXXX if you would like to buy some candles. Alternatively, there are fetish markets where you will find traders who are experienced, highly knowledgeable and passionate about the products they make and sell.
Other than my own candles, my favourite suppliers are http://www.thebondageman.com and https://trusseduk.com
Add a twist to your oral sex by taking a sip of an ice-cold drink or sucking an ice cube before you go down on your partner, let the cold liquid run over his shaft or her clitoris before your mouth warms back up. A personal favourite to use is ice-cold Champagne or Prosecco, lots of fizzy bubbles! You can also apply the same method with a warm drink, or blindfold your partner and alternate both.
Run ice cubes over the skin including all the erogenous zones, over the nipples down across the torso…. Cold drips run over the skin…. followed by kisses and licks from your warm mouth. Great to cool you down after a hot session or on a warm day.
Jo Divine stocks a fabulous range of glass and metal dildos, these are fantastic for temperature play as they can be chilled in the fridge and used whilst cool and also dipped in warm water to warm up. Create a scene, blindfold your partner, have both iced water and warm water to hand and alternate between cooling and warming the dildo, run it over the skin as well as for penetration. Mix this up with both wax and ice play for a session that will leave you floaty and feeling very mmmmmm………
Food play is great for external temperature play, imagine warm chocolate sauce being poured over you or cold ice cream…ice lollies …. then licked off…..yummy, messy and sexy.
The possibilities for temperature play are endless, follow the suggestions above and get creative! From massage candles, warm massage oil, glass and metal sex toys, or even chains, use your imagination and have lots of fun.
Enjoy
Love Secrets xx
]]>Wanting to spice things up in the bedroom? Feel like trying something naughty but nice? Not all BDSM (Bondage, domination, submission and masochism) involves dungeons, latex or even pain.
For those with a relatively conventional sexual history, the allure of some rope-tying can seem like a safe and sexy addition to one’s bedroom repertoire. A silk scarf around the wrists, a blindfold and even being tied to the bed can be a fun role-play element with someone you trust, yet it is only the tip of the iceberg.
For a true sense of the beauty and power of rope, look no further than the Japanese art of rope tying: Shibari.
To truly understand the allure of rope bondage, one must travel much further down the rabbit hole than buying a few feet of cotton cord and trying to figure out how to use it. Fortunately, the Shibari rope world is very accessible to those who don’t necessarily see themselves as part of a ‘kink scene’ (as well as those who do). It is quite normal and acceptable for a single person or couple to book onto a rope workshop for beginners, where you will have a fun day out, spend some quality time with your partner, learn some basic skills, and get to meet the experienced masters of Shibari in all their glory.
Workshops are rarely held in dark dungeons- think more a yoga studio ambiance, with professional equipment and instruction. Rope ties photograph beautifully, the process is intense and intimate- relaxing, challenging and spiritual in feeling. If you are looking for a new hobby to do together, to learn a skill that can be considered either sexual or ‘respectable’, to challenge your mind, body and explore the nature of intimacy with another, then taking up Shibari is the journey for you.
At a workshop, you will learn about the appropriate types of rope to use, the gentle, sensual pace of the process and start understanding some important basics of anatomy, the terminology and the physics involved in tying someone safely. Despite rope seeming like the ‘softer’ end of the kink scale, it is certainly one of the acts that is the most dangerous if done wrong, and for this reason it’s really important to get proper instruction from someone qualified and experienced, who will take you from beginner-safe ties to the more advanced techniques and possibilities, like suspending your partner in the air.
If you loved knots as a boy scout or learning to sail you will have a starting advantage, but it is not all about the knots. There are elements of tension and balancing of bodyweight safely that have to be developed, and there is the process of how the rigger (the one doing the tying) soothes and relaxes the rope bunny (one being tied), making it into a sensuous journey of trust and sublime spiritual meditation.
If these descriptions sound rather grand and complex, it’s because they are. Experienced Shibari rope riggers spend years, practicing many hours every week, before they become skilled enough to perform the ties safely and make it all look easy.
That is not to say you won’t be able to learn some fun ties on your very first session- you will gain a lot – but expecting to come in and safely suspend someone in the air in a complex rope tie is the equivalent to expecting to break bricks with a karate chop at your first martial arts lesson. It is a labour of love, and commitment. It is a journey, that one can dabble in lightly with small expectations, or take all the way to expert status, developing their art form, skills and mindset all the time.
I spoke to the experienced Shibari instructor, Hiigara Rope, in a recent interview about the world of Shibari. He had some top tips for complete beginners curious about Shibari and Kinbaku- two words you will hear largely interchangeably among the aficionados of the Japanese art of rope tying.
Image Credits Photography AmeliaRoslyn Featuring Mili-ficent
The best thing about rope is the connection and intimacy it creates.
For some people it’s very sexually charged, for others it is all about trust and submission. It depends on the dynamic they have together.
It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. For some people, pain is part of the allure, but for others it is much softer and more comforting. There is a Japanese concept of ‘beautiful suffering’ – but that doesn’t necessarily mean the rope is tense. It can be very emotional and vulnerable.
All body shapes can be tied, all gender identities, sexualities and relationship styles are welcome.
Definitely keep it on the ground, avoid dangerous areas like the neck. Keep some cutting shears close by and don’t be afraid to cut the rope if needed. If you don’t want to go down the full technical route of learning rope, focus more on the sensuality and connection.
It depends what you are doing. Proper Shibari will use natural fibre jute, but there are other types which work well for different things.
If you have a Fetlife account, you can use it to find a list of all the rope events near you. If you are in London, there is, of course, Anatomie Studio, or Studio Kokoro In the Midlands. Your local Peer Rope group will be a great entry point to start learning the basics of how to tie. There are also lots of good books available.
I was terrified of the first event I went to – at how I’d be perceived – but I found the people were really friendly and interested in helping me to be sound. Once you get started the lingo becomes sensible quite quickly. I’ve travelled all over the world and found that rope people are the friendliest I’ve ever met.
Being tied is very erotic- you are giving up power and control to another person. It can also feel personally challenging- you are being pulled this way and that and your body is experiencing new sensations. When tying? Receiving someone’s submission is a wonderful gift and there is also the technical side- the expertise and engineering puzzles to figure out while someone is in the air. Thirdly, you have that sense of connection.
It’s absolutely huge. I’ve met many friends and partners at rope, and those relationships have stayed with me through the years
Absolutely. Some people only do rope, some are also into the kink scene. There is a huge cross-over but it’s a case of ‘go as deep as you want to go’. Rope people are vanilla people in different clothing.
Assuming all the women are the ones who want to be tied, rather than doing the tying. Or picking up someone else’s rope without asking.
(Interview with Shibari Master Hiigara-Ropes summarised from the full interview.)
So, is learning the complex beauty of rope tying for you? Is it really so different from crochet? Is it more than a bit of bedroom fun? It absolutely can be. It can be a spiritual practice that transforms one’s partnership, sense of self and social circle, or it can be just a cool new hobby class to try out.
“Rope is like a hug, that can be given many different ways” Opalfruit, shibari rigger and Peer Rope organiser
The joy of every journey is that you never know when it will start, or where it might end. More interesting than this, is the question of who you will be. What will you have learned, how will you have grown, and how will your world have blossomed?
“Bondage is of the mind; freedom too is of the mind” Ramakrishna
It is not recommended to try Shibari or other rope-tying without first taking professional instruction
]]>Halloween isn’t just for children, adults can have some naughty fun with some sexy tricks and treats of their own!
It’s that time of year when our thoughts turn to spooky stories, ghostly sightings and ghoulish goings-on. Here at Jo Divine, we don’t think anything is too wicked, so this Halloween, don’t just let the children have fun but make some of your own too!
Unleash your inner devil and be as wicked and naughty as you can possibly be, to spice up your sex life.
Get your lover in the mood for wicked sex by texting them a mischievous message to spice up your Halloween. Sexting isn’t meant to be subtle, so the more blatant you are, the better, but make sure no one else can see it.
Ask a question which might spark a flurry of spicy, sexy messages, or throw in your own fireball to see what kind of fire you can ignite!
Just imagine your partner’s thoughts, with naughty messages putting a wicked grin on their face, rude images in their head, making them feel very hot under the collar… and in other places, too.
Text a photo of you in your devilish costume or just send small snippets, such as a glimpse of your voluptuous cleavage in that tight corset, those glistening blood-red lips puckered, ready for a kiss or your sharp pointed scarlet fingernails, primed to run up and down their back, leaving a trail of pleasure and pain.
Become a wicked devil, sexy witch or sleek black pussy cat, ready to pounce on any unsuspecting victim (or partner). Wearing a disguise can help you play out your sexual desires. Release your inner sexy vampire with tight bodices, stockings and suspenders, wear a mask, colour your nails and lips in crimson red lipstick and nail varnish.
Why not call your partner whilst indulging in some glorious sex play with your favourite sex toy? Describe in intimate detail exactly where you’re using your sex toy, how it feels, the vibes running through your body, the wetness of your vagina and the throbbing of your clitoris. If you have a penis, describe how it looks, the size of your erection, especially if wearing a constriction ring and make noises down the phone as you masturbate with your favourite lubricant or sex toy
Stay on the line whilst enjoying a fabulous orgasm or hang up to keep them in suspense, you decide!
Create an intimate den of sinful pleasure by dressing the bed with red/black satin or silk sheets which feel sensuous against your skin, and light the room with scented candles. Incorporate a sensual massage into your foreplay using exotic oils scented with sandalwood and musk, giving your total concentration to those sensitive areas.
Indulge in kink and release your inner werewolf, get all tied up or enjoy some consentual spanking spanker or spankee, you choose!
Why not try adding some kinky bondage to your bedside drawer, ideal for awakening all those sleepy sexual senses. From silky rope to neck and wrist restraints and sexy Sportsheets Expandable Spreader Bar, you dominate or be dominated in whatever way turns you on!
Add a cheeky spanker or this gorgeous feather slapper into the mix, both perfect for pleasure and pain, you choose!
Indulge in sensual nipple play with or nipple suckers but ask your partner first, we don’t want tears on Halloween!
Silence your partner’s cries of pleasure or pain when they submit to wearing this beautiful Midnight Lace Bit Gag.
Our sense of touch is heightened by sight deprivation, so try combining blindfold play with slow sensual all over body massage, touching your partner with a feather-like caress or use a feather, silk scarf, tickler. The feeling of not knowing what is coming next increases sexual arousal.
Treat yourself or your partner to a gorgeous sex toy and take your sexual pleasure to a whole new level. There is a wide variety of sex toys to satisfy the most demanding sexual needs, so why not purchase one each, the gorgeous Miss Bi for her and the Pulse Solo Essential for him – or the gorgeously stretchy Je Joue Mio Vibrating Cockring so you can both enjoy the fun together.
The fabulous Satisfyer Double Love is App controlled but are you brave enough to let your partner take control of your pleasure?
Who doesn’t love food, especially when it’s drizzled over and sucked from our bodies!
Tempt your lover with tiny morsels of sexy foods such as whipped cream, melted chocolate and fruit eaten or sucked from your fingers.
Deep kissing with a mouthful of sparkling wine can create a fizzy sensation, or gently lap champagne or your favourite liquor from your partner’s belly button. Who knows where your tongue may end up!
Add in a blindfold to drive your lover crazy with the uncertainty of what you might put in their mouth!
Any excuse to press your body against your partner is good and may tempt them into spicing things up. Watching a scary film on the sofa, cuddled up to your loved one underneath a warm blanket may lead to you needing plenty of comforting to take your mind off the fright you have had, once the film has finished!
Some of our favourites include Disturbia, Orphan, Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream, What Lies Beneath and The Woman in Black but I’m sure you have your own favourites too.
Remember Bobbing for Apples when you were a child? I have memories of just getting cold, wet and not getting an apple!
Why not try this pleasurable, strictly adult version to spice up your Halloween.
Fill the bath tub with steaming hot water but leave out the bubbles and bath bomb to avoid a bad taste in your mouth. Turn off the lights and light candles around the bathroom, try cinnamon apple spiced candles or a sensual massage candle to create a sensual environment to get you in the mood.
Slip into the hot bath and slowly begin to oil your body with a little bath oil to keep your skin silky and a little slippery, we don’t want to make things easy for your lover, do we! Take your favourite waterproof sex toy with you, even more pleasure as you play!
Relax in the luxurious depths of the water, allowing your partner to glimpse your wet, tantalising body. Even though your partner may want to jump right in and take a huge, delicious bite of what is being offered, make them stay outside the bath and lean over the side without using hands to explore the delectable temptations on display with just their mouth and tongue and glistening goods!
If they use their hands, make them strip and join you, or you may not be able to wait and pull them to get in to taste the whole luscious treat!
I think you’ll find that this version of Bobbing for Apples is much more fun!
Hope you have the most wicked Halloween ever! Happy Halloween!
]]>OK, so there aren’t any dragons…. Well, unless you count me with my fire … but that’s a whole other story.
So, are you thinking of some big castle? Where they lock away the prisoners, banish the mythical creature? OK, so I’m not talking about those either….
I’m talking about BDSM play dungeons or in common press cliché form ‘sex dungeons’ and yes in the book that shall not be named, ‘the Red Room’ was actually the term given to his dungeon. These dens of pleasure and pain are scattered in towns and cities up and down the country. These are rooms, or buildings that in most circumstances, you would never notice they are there, from the outside blending in with everyday life…. But once you step inside it’s a whole different story.
So a Dungeon is a space used for BDSM play. As well as private Dungeons for hire, allocated areas for BDSM play at kink and fetish events are also called the Dungeon.
Dungeons will normally contain a variety of equipment, including spanking benches, St Andrews crosses, cages, hard points to restrain from, medical play tables, massage tables, vac beds and much more.
Many will also provide a large variety of equipment to use too, from floggers, paddles, riding crops to ‘fucking machines’ ( a dildo attached to mechanics to stimulate sex). You can also bring along your own play toys. ( If you are looking to purchase a few items check out Jo Divine range here).
So once inside the dungeons out there vary in style and luxury, and some even allow you book to stay over.
Dungeons can be hired by the hour, a few hours or by the day/night and are more reasonable than you may think.
You might be lacking space to play at home or you may be new to the scene and want to try out the toys on offer before looking to purchase your own.
You might have a specific fantasy or role play you may want to play out, or want to try out some of the equipment.
On your own or a couple that needs mentoring? You do not have to miss out too, most dungeons will be able to recommend reliable and trusted professional Dominants/Dommes/Mistresses/Masters that you can contact and arrange to book a session with.
Many Dungeons also offer a variety of workshops, where you can go along on the day to attend to learn a variety of BDSM skills. I teach several workshops each year at my local Gatwick Dungeon.
Some will host munches (kink social gathering) or a play munch which combines the social and option to play should you wish.
Many also host events by party organizers who hire the venue for the night for a variety of different well established kink hosts.
So come and delve deeper in to your kinky journey…. Enjoy the possibilities out there.
“I went with a friend the first time, after googling ‘London Dungeon Hire’ There aren’t enough private hire venues in London, but prices are comparable. You are shown around then left to do your own thing, I wish I could spend more time in a dungeon as the set up means I can get really good sessions and I get to dress up too” Mistress Taia
“My first visit to a dungeon was to attend a munch at a local dungeon after seeing the event listed online, I got to see the facilities in a relaxed friendly environment and 4 years on now teach workshops there too” Secrets_
Photo credit: Gatwick Dungeon
]]>I’m sure most of us can appreciate the mesmerizing effects of looking into a flame, the red and orange glow, the flickering, getting lost in its heat and charm, warming your hands perhaps… But have you ever thought of having it run over your skin for fun? Caressing you, teasing you?
Your natural instincts will tell you to fear it, but there is this alluring attraction, with the first sweep across your skin, instant heat but gone just as quickly, before returning. Fireplay is an incredibly sensual play involving not just the fire but touch too.
“I was tense, nervous, but also excited. There was an initial jolt of fear as the first lick of flame landed on my skin, but that soon faded as I realised that fireplay wasn’t painful – it was all about sensation. I fell almost immediately into a pleasure zone, my body reacting to the heat Secrets expertly trailed over my body.” Miss_la
I first encountered fire about 3 years ago, at a BDSM party, where the Top was lighting what I now know as flash cotton on his Submissive/Bottom. Little sparks of fire and a pop of noise…. I was intrigued.
[ Editor’s Note: Top and Bottom are alternative terms to describe a Dominant or Submissive respectively. See this article for more information ]
I started to explore more, reading up on Fireplay and trying to learn the ins and outs of how to do it and most importantly, how to do it safely. It looks simple, it looks easy, but it is important to remember fire is dangerous.
I had some amazing advice from a fellow kinkster in the States, and to this day I still pay some of that advice forward when I teach, but more importantly I was lucky to find people in my local BDSM community who mentored me in my early days, because quite simply, you cannot discredit real time teaching when it comes to Fireplay and if I’m honest, most BDSM play.
So this is where my love of fire (and temperature play) began, Fireplay is niche, I loved bringing something new to people. When I Top/Dom I am a reaction junkie and fire feeds well in to this.
About 6-12 months into my journey with fire, a great friend of mine who owns Gatwick Dungeon, said to me in passing ‘have you ever considered teaching a workshop?’ and now I have taught 5. I joined the team at FutureParties in December 2018 which has allowed me to bring Fireplay to a much wider audience and indulge people in my flames.
Those who do Fireplay for performance such as fire eating, fire breathing and circus skills generally use paraffin which is a black fuel (due to smoke).
The Fireplay I do for BDSM is using the fire on the body for sensations and temperature play. You can also get fear play from Fireplay, but this does not last long, as people usually fall in love with the sensation once they get over their initial fear.
Flash cotton which looks like cotton wool is what magicians use when you see the ‘poof’ in their acts. Using a small amount it sparks and disappears within seconds when you light it which is a great simple way to incorporate basic fire in to your play. Warming for milliseconds on the skin, it makes an amazing sparking sound that often makes the sub/bottom jump.
Yes I said hair mousse, I have found the cheaper the better, although not all hair mousses are the same, some burn well but are too hot, some don’t burn well at all and as ‘Goldilocks’ said some are ‘just right’. It is only through trial or error I have found the best brand with my thighs having had several tested on them whilst I found a new brand after my preferred one dried up.
The idea with hair mousse is that you can draw out small shapes on the skin, and then you light it. It will burn for longer on the skin, so you need to be careful not to apply it too thickly and have a wet towel on standby in your hands to extinguish, you can also relight the mousse a few times until it has burnt out. I always exercise caution when using mousse and tend not to let it burn for long.
This is my preferred type of Fireplay and I use a white fuel (no black smoke) 70% isopropyl (rubbing alcohol used primarily as a disinfectant).
Fire wands are soaked in fuel, any excess dabbed off before being lit, these can then be hovered above the skin for just a warm heat or gently brushed over the skin in light strokes. The sensation is warm and tingly, many compare this to the feel of a hot stone massage. It is a very sensual play as the fire wand is always followed by the other hand caressing the skin to extinguish any residue flames left from the wand.
Fire fleshing is where 2 smaller wands are used in the same hand with one lit and the other wet with fuel (wet, not dripping), small patterns are drawn on the skin with the fuel wand and then lit with the other wand, this stays lit on your skin for just a couple of seconds before being extinguished again by my free hand.
“The fire wands slide over me, fast yet gentle, little ribbons of sensation, cool then hot, that snake across my skin in a millisecond, one after another, patterning over me. A river of flame. I could do this for hours, the momentary, just bearable heat relaxing me, taking me deeper with each caress of the fire wand” – Alice Hunter Unicorn Hunting Blog
This uses 90% isopropyl and a special fire flogger, usually made of kevlar (a heat-resistant and strong synthetic fibre), the ends are soaked in the fuel, dabbed off, then lit. The aim of fire flogging is not heavy impact like normal flogging, you just skim the skin with the flames. It is advisable to do fire flogging outside with plenty of space. You also require several support people called spotters to watch for stray flames on the bottom/submissive, the room and the person flogging.
“The most amazing fireplay performed by Secrets, was the fire flogging, against a tree at kink event. Excited nerves disappeared as the warmth spread over my back, the whooshing sound of the flogger relaxed every part of me, a truly magical and sensual experience” Delilahxxx
Fire is dangerous if not carefully monitored, never attempt fireplay without having had some instruction and ensure you are careful.
Above all else, Fire is RACK play (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
Playing with fire should not be tried without the correct instruction, knowledge of the risks and without full safety precautions
If you want to find out more about Fireplay, I teach regular workshops at Gatwick Dungeon http://www.gatwickdungeon.co.uk/events.html, and I offer Fireplay as part of the House team at Future Parties (you can find Future Parties on Fetlife).
Jo Divine’s regular write Alice Hunter has also written about Fire Play on her blog
Photo Credits: Dream Visions Photography http://www.dream-visions.co.uk/index.html and Joanna Armstrong https://joarmstrong2161.myportfolio.com/
]]>Much to do has been made in recent years with the release of a certain film, based on a book, enticing the reading populace into dabbling with the notion of kinky sex, while somehow completely missing the wider picture.
Kinky sex can be very private, very basic, very mild. It can involve a blindfold or a silk scarf. It can involve your partner tickling you with a feather in the bedroom. Yet there is a much wider world that these little dabbling toys are drawn from.
Firstly, let’s establish what kink is. The Urban Dictionary defines it as:
Wait – did it say non-sexual?
That’s right. Kink isn’t always about sex or sexual pleasure. In fact, there are many terms and interests that have some overlap and are generally used interchangeably, but mean different things:
Fetish – a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item or part of the body
S&M – sadomasochism: the giving or receiving of pleasure from acts involving the receipt or infliction of pain or humiliation. May or may not be linked to sexual gratification.
BDSM -bondage, discipline & submission, sadomasochism: a variety of often (but not always) erotic practices or roleplaying involving the aforementioned and other interrelated personal dynamics.
As you can see, there is a great deal of terminology to learn. This is only the start of it. There are entire online dictionaries devoted to explaining the more common terms, which relate to acts, roles, relationship & sexual styles and typical items and equipment.
It can be a bit baffling and feel exclusionary for a newbie. Why is this?
There is an entire community built around BDSM and kink. Far from just being the odd sex shop with a rather frightening looking shelf ‘round the back, professionals making money from ‘the scene’ and the odd lonely fellow sat in front his laptop rubbing himself in peanut butter (I’m not judging), the BDSM community has flourished as an alternative sexual scene in much the same way that the LGBT scene has. There is often a significant overlap between the two.
There is something more to the kink community than sex. The media likes to sensationalise kink and show it as extreme, frightening and ridiculous. If you take a group of people – any group who have spent their lives being taught to be ashamed and confused by their natural desires, who needed to be secretive around friends, family, work colleagues – and put them together in a place where they will not only be free of negative judgement but find others who like and validate exactly the same things?
They make friends. They find their tribe. They suddenly have a support network.
What happens when an ‘outsider’ tries to enter the group? Much the same as happens when a married heterosexual woman approaches a lifelong lesbian because she wants to ‘try out’ being with a woman. They get insulted. They get defensive. They get resentful of people operating like tourists in a community they are not a real part of, have not suffered through life to discover, and who ultimately don’t understand the emotions and dynamics behind the acts, or take them seriously.
One might feel it isn’t worth trying to enter into such events and communities if you are going to be excluded at every turn, and just toy with kink privately instead, yet there is a serious caveat to this.
If you practice kink or BDSM alone, you are dangerous. This isn’t necessarily physical danger (although depending on what you are doing this is certainly a consideration), but, as they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Like practising martial arts alone, or learning to hypnotise people, you need to have the objective knowledge of a wider base than just yourself to realise where the danger lies.
Let’s have a look at the areas:
Obviously, some acts can be dangerous. Choking, breathplay, physical impact play (whips, floggers, etc) can do more than leaving a mark- inexpertly practised they can be fatal. Even less obvious acts can be dangerous. Bondage, especially with suspension, is an art which requires a great deal of training and practice to perform safely.
I once spoke to a man who had been ‘privately practising BDSM for years’ and liked to penetrate his partner’s cervix with items. My response of, ‘Did you know that with about 1 in 1000 women, that can cause a sudden drop in blood pressure that can be fatal?’ was met with stunned denial.
Rather than being a simple temporary sexual (or non-sexual) roleplay with ‘top’ (the person doing the thing) and ‘bottom’ (the person the thing is done to), some BDSM dynamics are 24/7, and long-term. The relationships may seem ‘unconventional’, be open or polyamorous in nature, be non-sexual but intense or come in a wide array of styles that you can’t even categorise. The acts of dominance and submission are only the surface level that you see. They are the expression of a far deeper bond of trust, safety, relaxation and acts of intimacy, in much the way that some people may consider the act of intercourse an expression of their love and commitment.
Taking these roles is not free of responsibility. If you choose to be a dominant for someone, you are taking on power but also the role of safe guide and mentor. If you choose to submit for someone, you are putting them in a position of control over you, often long after a session ends. These kinds of roles affect the way you view the person, and yourself. It can be a kind of closeness and intimacy that regular intercourse never approaches. It is a psychological intimacy.
One cannot be a dominant ‘for a little while’ and then just disappear, get busy with other things or lose interest. In taking an ongoing role as a dominant, whether it is for an hour, a week or a year, you are entering into a trust pact with your submissive. You must be there for them throughout. The intensity of the game can only exist because they can close their eyes and fall completely, being sure you will catch them. If you let them down, deprioritise them or fail them while in the arranged roles, you do them devastating psychological damage. They, however, are free to call it quits at any time. That is the power of the submissive. That is their only power, while in role. If you forget or ignore this, you are a very bad dominant indeed.
Even when people ‘scene’ (enact a pre-arranged demonstration of dominance, submission, impact play or bondage, usually at a public event) and do not have an ongoing relationship in any form, one needs to be aware of the psychological effects it has on both parties. The submissive may enter ‘sub-space’ (in fact, that’s rather the point), in which they slide into a relaxed, almost hypnotic, dream-like state of releasing responsibility, shutting off their higher brain functions and sometimes even regressing to a more childlike state. During and after the session, they may well be highly suggestible, have memory gaps, and feel very vulnerable, needing closeness and reassurance from their dominant, while their mind slowly puts itself back together. It can take hours.
In addition to sub-space, one should be aware of ‘sub-drop’, a common phenomenon that happens a day or two after a good BDSM session, in which the person who felt elated in the state of sub-space then feels empty, alone, used, abandoned, ashamed and highly vulnerable. This is especially the case when they don’t have the continued closeness of the dominant to reassure them and respond to their needs as a human being afterwards. It is an important, common, yet often unknown phenomenon that anyone considering submission should be aware of before they try. It can be mistaken for depression or genuine sadness.
Dominants, too, can experience a drop.
In addition to taking on not just the power, but the responsibility, for another person’s welfare while helping them to explore their own limits of sensation and to release tension and control, they are generally the active party in the ‘scene’ and need to be constantly vigilant and responsive to the needs of their submissive. They need to monitor and adjust the level of intensity, check back constantly for enthusiastic consent and tiptoe around mental triggers or ‘soft limits’ (something the person thinks they probably won’t like but may be willing to explore gently).
Dominants can also experience a drop immediately after, or a few days later, where they feel exhausted, stressed, have a low sense of self-worth or experience other negative emotions. A good dominant has a tough job to do, much more than the submissive. A good dominant is a figure of trust, respect, admiration, mastery and devotion.
Nobody should ever want to be a bad dominant. A bad dominant is an abusive bully who cannot be trusted. The kink community will not look kindly on such individuals. Such individuals generally operate alone and don’t participate in the community to have the moderating feedback they need.
There are a number of websites and apps aimed at the kink, BDSM, fetish and alt sexuality community (let’s make them one community because they generally mix, overlap and attend the same events). Kink community, by and large, is about building a friendship network, finding and giving acceptance and creating ongoing bonds, whether you are into the same kinks or not. Entering into it doesn’t require grandstanding.
If you come in as a newbie, with an open mind, eagerness to learn and build ongoing relationships, people will be much more accepting than if you try to show off to them that you ‘tied someone to the bed once’. There’s no initiation rite or test to pass. Tastes and interests are so varied, can be fixed for life or constantly evolve, and people are so individual that it is only necessary to try and see how things work out for you.
Though there are certainly hardcore fetish events, this may be a bit much for the newbie looking to explore their interests and dip a tentative toe into the waters. Events will generally give you a description of what is and is not permitted in terms of activities, dress and behaviour.
Here’s a quick rundown:
ALL events will emphasise ongoing, informed, enthusiastic consent. This is the ultimate, basic requirement. The kink scene does consent better than anywhere else in life. It’s completely built into the fabric of the philosophy.
SOME events may allow swinging/sex/nudity, others do not. There are a lot of events that are mainly people doing impact play ‘scenes’.
SOME events hold educational workshops about different things as part of their programme. This may be anything from giving advice on caring for your latex-wear to simple knot tying for shibari, to the best way to do impact play safely. Events that run workshops will generally be quite mellow and sociable in nature and include a mix of skill levels and experience, right down to people just beginning.
SOME events sell kink items. ‘Alternative’ markets are quite popular and exist in many towns. They will usually have an array of interesting things for you to look at, get advice on and buy, as well as being a great opportunity to mix with likeminded people, learn things and find out what other events are happening in your area.
SOME events allow more ‘extreme’ acts than others. They will usually make this clear on their website and promotional material. Typical ‘hard limits’ for events organisers include acts that draw blood, involve fire, infection risk from sharps or body fluids, or create a lot of mess or unpleasant smells. You are NEVER required to participate in anything you don’t want to. That’s consent. If anything, you are much more likely to find something that looks really interesting to try and have to wait a long time for the expert practitioner to be free, or be too shy to ask.
If you aren’t comfortable with something you see, move away and don’t watch, don’t try to make an issue of it. People come to events to be themselves without having to worry about offending anyone.
NEVER interrupt a scene. Scenes have been thought through, discussed, limits established and everything planned between those involved. Joining a scene without prior consent is a massive no-no. Stopping the people to ask to join is also a massive no-no. Walking through a scene, especially one involving impact play, is both a no-no and a very daft idea.
NEVER pick up and use someone’s equipment without asking. As well as generally being very expensive, it is very personal to them. In some places you may find there is an array of equipment laid out for general use. If you think this is the case, be sure to check before you touch anything. That is a sign of respect.
NEVER assume that because someone identifies as a submissive (or sissy, or slut, or whatever) that that means they are YOUR submissive. You speak to them respectfully, in a friendly way, just as you would to anyone else. Their submission is an earned, informed act of trust and devotion. They are not a disposable object for you to play with as you wish.
NEVER violate someone’s right to consent or decline by inappropriate touching. Even if you just want to get a feel of that shiny rubber/leather/animal fur as they walk past? It is not ok. Respect their personal space, express admiration and politely ask if you wish, but be aware that they may say no. That is their right.
SOME events have no scene/play/activity component. These are known as ‘munches’. They are social gatherings of people who are interested in kink, and a great way to make new friends. They often take place at a pub or picnic.
ALL events are better if you show an interest in people. Some people on the kink scene are naturally very quiet. Some are very outgoing. Some are very normal-seeming, some are extremely eccentric. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Try striking up a chat with lots of different types of people, including those who seem to be by themselves, a little shy or nervous. You may find they are waiting for friends and you’ll suddenly meet a load of people through them who are just your speed.
Good starting topics, as with most situations, are:
-Have you been to this before?
-How do you find it?
-Who would be good people to get to know?
-I’m new. Do you have any advice for me?
-Which things do you think I should try/buy/attend?
-Which other events have you tried?
-What kind of things are you mainly into? (many longstanding kinksters will have a real passion for their niche, make their own items, light up talking about it and generally geek out delightedly at the chance to tell someone).
So, are you kinky? That’s hard to say. I’ve known someone claim they had a ‘kink for lingerie’. I’ve also known people who have no interest in sex whatsoever (and identify as asexual) to be active in the kink community. There really isn’t a set standard of deviance one has to match up to to be part of things – more a standard of respect and behaviour. If you are seeking a place of acceptance, it’s a great place to look. Be prepared to give out just as much as you hope for in return.
Enjoy your explorations, my darling deviant* ducklings. There are far more dangerous places to be!
Xxx
*Deviant is an in-group term of affection that has been reclaimed by some parts of the kink community.
Footnote: There will certainly be people, many with a great deal of experience, who will claim that something I’ve said is wrong, that they’ve experienced differently or that I’ve missed something important. This is unavoidable in such a huge topic, and I’d encourage everyone to research the whole topic a lot further. There is a huge number of books, magazines, websites, online videos, etc. that are hugely educational. This is not a world I could hope to compress into a little blog post.
]]>Everyone has concerns or worries about trying swinging so we have provided a list of frequently asked questions to help allay any fears and ease you into the swinging world.
People have sex. Pretty much everyone, not to exclude the asexual community. We just tend not to think of them in this way. If you bump into someone you know, it will be a shared secret. Even if they dislike you, they can’t expose you without ‘outing’ themselves. It’s a very silly notion of British society that we should even be expected to maintain this separation. You wouldn’t worry if you bumped into someone you knew at a restaurant.
It is simply the notion that sexual pleasure is forbidden and taboo that gives it the secret, exciting status. People eat food. People have sex. The world is gradually moving on, but certain mentalities refuse to accept that which is rational still. Your choice to partake in that which is hushed by the expectations of society is radical- be proud of that.
It may. It may not. It may improve it. It may highlight issues you didn’t even know existed between you. Yet this is true of anything. This could happen if you take a pottery class together. This could happen if you join a mountain biking group. This could happen if you do nothing at all and keep everything just as it ever was.
This is (until definitive evidence proves otherwise) your one and only life. And your partner’s one and only life. What you do with it is up to you. They say we regret more the things we didn’t try, yet I don’t know if that is always true. Certainly, of the many, many things I’ve come to regret in my own life, trying something new where I couldn’t predict the outcome has never been one of them.
It is not necessary to have a partner. Most (nearly all) events will allow single women, some allow single men. Those that don’t will usually allow you to attend with a ‘party partner’. It is possible to find many suitable candidates online for this purpose.
Although many ‘elite sex party’ events have an upper age limit (some as low as 35) I’ve certainly seen people in their 50’s and above at them. They are people who ‘look good for their age’. If you want to avoid this route, a great many events and clubs do not have an age restriction, or host events specifically for say, the over 45’s. Some events even like to mix the age groups on purpose, such as the ‘cougars and cubs’ night. Yes, that’s a thing. It’s a big thing.
There is no guarantee that every person will find someone to participate with them. We all have free will. But you should be aware that not everyone at an event looks like a supermodel or a Calvin Klein underwear ad. Whatever it is that you are worried about- your age, weight, mastectomy scar, disability – you can rest assured that not only are there people who won’t mind, there will be people there who find it an active sexual preference.
My own, rather tame, obsession is women with a gap between their teeth or adult braces. For men, I like unusual teeth; prominent, missing, distinctive. I even had a phase of liking them decayed. I’m far from the most unusual person in my tastes.
There are people who are into supersize, shaven-headed women, amputees, the list goes on. Not everyone will find you attractive. Not everyone finds anyone attractive. Yet talk to people, take the time to ask them about themselves, then flirt a little. You may be very surprised.
This can certainly happen. I’ve had many nights where I didn’t feel the vibe, found I was too tired, there was nobody I connected with or for some reason, nothing happened. I still generally had a good night. I chatted with people, had a glass of wine, did everything one would do on a ‘regular’ night out.
But so what? If you go out with an objective in mind, you’ll spend your night feeling like it’s work. If you fail to meet your objective, you’ll feel the night was a failure. It’s far better to go out hoping for an unplanned adventure and just going with the flow. Sometimes, you’ll have an amazing night. Sometimes, you might not.
Try to research the event you are going to beforehand. You’ll have to have a healthy scepticism in doing so. The websites for events will always seem decadent; filled with beautiful people, luxurious and high class. They will discuss how they are super-elite and selective. You may well find that the reality is different. There will be regular people there, in a regular-seeming venue.
Try to find reviews of the venues and the events, not written by the organisers. If you can’t find anything negative at all, you haven’t looked hard enough yet. There are so many events, with such different styles, rules and pricing structures, that you are bound to find something that will suit your hopes. It might just take more than one try.
Many events companies have their own websites with forums and chat groups so that you can talk to people who are going beforehand and even arrange a selection of friendly faces to talk to when you get there.
A word of warning: People can be a teensy bit flaky about actually showing up. I’d suggest that you chat with perhaps 6-10 people who say they are planning to go, then you’ll have built a little rapport beforehand. Don’t spend your night looking for them though. Just cast the dice and go with the cards the fates try to deal you at the event.
Well, you never can tell. Some will be very judgemental about it. Some will be a bit envious. Some will hug you in delight and tell you that they do it too. Generally, the response I’ve had is that I’m ‘brave’. Not really sure what that means. I think it means they are trying to be emotionally supportive while making it clear they wouldn’t consider it themselves. At the end of the day, you really don’t need to tell everyone about it unless you want to. You may have a bit of a sixth sense of who would and wouldn’t be accepting of it. It’s not your duty to live your life to keep other people happy. It’s your duty to make yourself happy. Others will either accept this and be happy for you or they will choose not to. That’s their choice.
If you don’t like it, you are free to turn around and go home. You’ll probably find you do like it, though. Women especially, enjoy the sudden chance to be the free spirit, the sensual being that they always were inside. They just didn’t realise they were.
You politely tell them no thank you. Nothing more should be required. Any response other than a polite withdrawal is harassment. Tell the organisers or security.
Talk to your partner! You may find it’s helpful to set up a little code word like ‘ice’ for no and ‘warm’ for yes, that you can slip into conversation if the person/people are right there and you don’t have a chance to discuss it discretely. The more you talk about your hopes and boundaries beforehand, the better you will both know what to look for that will make you both happy.
Even so, be prepared for everything to completely change on the night in the heat of the moment! Remember, these aren’t your domestic selves. For the night, you are both lions. You are your sexual alphas, out to play. You are not the person you were yesterday or tomorrow. You are living in the moment. That’s the whole point.
The vast majority of divorces don’t happen after a couple goes to a swingers’ club. It can be a very bonding activity. Most of the couples you’ll meet at events, or privately, are in happy long term relationships. It’s just a hobby you can share.
That being said, if either of you has underlying issues with insecurity, self-worth, jealousy or fear of abandonment, deal with these individually and together first. Adding more pressure to the mix will only deepen the cracks.
Swinging works with happy, secure couples (and singles!) who are opening their body, mind, soul and perception out to embrace new people and experiences. If you go into it with little problems, the fissures will widen. Be sure you are ready. Be sure you (and your partner, if you have one) are 100%. Be sure that you see it for what it really is. Be sure that you, in yourself, are strong enough for an unexpected adventure. Wash your face. Pack your bag. Look in the mirror and feel good about yourself, just as you are, needing for nothing. When you can do this, then you are ready.
Prepare to enter the rabbit hole.
]]>The image of swingers has long been set in the minds of society as a comical stereotype: The middle-aged couple, long-married and bored, wife swapping with their friends at a hot tub party. There may be a fondue set on the patio. There is probably pampas grass in the garden, and they holiday at naturist colonies. The swinging icons of the seventies’ suburban liberals.
Is this really what ethical non-monogamy is all about? It seems to be the self-elected role of the mainstream media to cast disparagement on anything and anyone who falls outside of the most dreary and conventional of interests. For a couple to explore their sexuality and indulge in variety, even now and then, is portrayed as a caricature.
Actually, a lot of people. From the young to the elderly. From the photoshop & filtered-Instagram plastic ‘beautiful’ to the nondescript. The gym bunny to the plus-size. The respectable professional you meet in the bank. The man who empties the bins. The highly educated, the vocational, the disabled, the straight, bi and gay, the married, divorced, widowed or single. Your child’s teacher. Your doctor. Your local MP. That’s not to say that you would necessarily run into them all. Some people are very discrete about it.
Let’s have a look at the ways you can toy with the notions of swinging.
Talk about it to your friends. Perhaps in an abstract way. You might know people who are already very involved. Even if you aren’t attracted to them or feel that that might make your friendship difficult, they could invite you to events or introduce you to others. Don’t forget to ask your single friends! Single people can swing too.
Look at some websites and try some apps. There are a number of ways to connect to people who are interested in casual sex and/or swinging online. Different sites have different focus and styles. Avoid spending lots of money or signing up to dozens of them. Just pick a few that you feel reflect your attitude and what you are looking for.
Take some nice pictures that show roughly what you look like (even if you don’t want to show your full face publicly) and take the time to write a profile as though you were selling a product. What is great about you? What would your strapline be? Who would you be suitable for? Try to check in once a day or so to handle responses, but don’t let them take over your life. It easily can!
The joy of the swinging world is that you don’t have to narrow it down to your favourite. You can have them all! After you’ve chatted for a bit and checked you have the same things in mind, you could arrange to meet them privately. Use the same caution you would in meeting any stranger. Although a lot of the libertine world is lovely, there are always predators posing as house pets, just in any other sphere of life.
Consider attending an event. There are a huge array of events available now, especially in London and the larger cities. If you are further out, you may have less choice or need to travel. It can be fun to get a hotel and make a nice weekend of it.
Many events will have criteria for who may attend (based on age, looks, size, sexual orientation) but some are very open. You will usually need to apply and buy tickets well in advance. I’d suggest planning a month ahead. If you don’t feel ready to attend a full-on sex-party, there are often ‘taster’ nights for the larger events companies, where you can dress up and mingle with likeminded people, network and build your social circle within the swinging world.
Bear in mind that no party should ever require or expect you to participate indiscriminately. Even at full sex-party events, the need to socialise, build rapport and ask consent for anything you’d like to do is still absolutely vital. If there is a problem with someone’s behaviour (even if it seems a very slight infringement) notify the organiser or security immediately. Your legal and human rights do not vanish when you attend a party.
Consider attending a swinger holiday/resort. These are expensive compared to the other options, but in terms of value for money, you’ll have a week to settle in and get used to the vibe, make connections with new people and enjoy yourself. If you’d like to dive in head first, there are a number of cruises and holiday resorts that have specific take-over times by swing scene events organisers, such as SDC.
I’m Louise, the female half of a married couple, both in our forties. We had been together for 12 years when we decided to dip a toe in the water of the swinging lifestyle. We joined a well-known swingers site and started visiting clubs like Le Boudoir and Bristol Gardens. Both the couples side of things and our mutual decision to indulge in single hook-ups got a big thumbs-up from us.
For my birthday, my husband John, organised for me what was probably the birthday party of a lifetime!
The real turning point for us both was attending a Couples’ Massage event with Colin Richards, a well-known Sex Engineer. We both found that kind of format provided what we had been looking for – a small, hand-picked mix of couples in a private venue.
After that we knew we’d found our ideal dynamic.
Fast forward 3 months and I’m in a gorgeous apartment in north London, complete with 2 double bedrooms, walk-in power showers and a roof terrace! The perfect spot for indulging in some couples’ naughtiness.
The guest list was pulled together expertly by my gorgeous husband, approaching contacts made at the Massage party, as well as couples we had never met but chatted to online. A big risk for all involved you might say but we definitely got lucky – a great group of 7 couples had been assembled.
As guests arrived, Champagne corks popped and people oohed and aahed at the view from the roof terrace. After about half an hour of chatting, we moved to the centrepiece for the evening – our own massage table. I stripped off and jumped on to enjoy a rub down from about 10 other people! Face-down I didn’t know who was where and I didn’t care – being massaged is bliss for me at any time but by so many people at once was incredibly relaxing and sensual at the same time.
I could hear all around me the sound of clothes being discarded and one couple had already kicked proceedings off in spectacular style. One couple stripped down to their underwear and he was massaging his wife’s g-spot through her underwear. Another female guest stripped down to her thong, eager to be next on the massage table.
I jumped off and switched places with her, eagerly repaying the favour by massaging her soft skin while she moaned with pleasure. At this point, guests started to drift downstairs to make use of the large double beds. Except they didn’t quite make it! I walked downstairs to find one female guest bent over the bannister in front of a massive mirror while my husband entered her from behind. As if by magic, another female guest appeared and started playing with her nipples.
The group play had begun!
I led my charge past them into the bedroom where we settled in for some oral sex – my favourite go-to activity. But before any momentum was gathered, other guests started to file in to the room until all but one couple were on the same double bed! I was attended to by several willing suitors, including one female guest with a very nimble tongue. As I lay there, I had a grandstand view of my husband giving his partner oral sex until she had a massive orgasm, which was a huge turn-on!
Highlight of the evening for me happened whilst sucking the very generously endowed youngest male guest (31 – I’ve still got it!). He turned and asked me if I would like to play with his girlfriend and her strap-on. I’m not often lost for words but that moment is definitely a contender. While the two of them went off to get her kitted out, my husband teased me with our favourite toy until I had another screaming orgasm. By this time I was unbelievably wet and turned on. As if on cue, she strutted in sporting a very healthy-looking purple strap-on. I proceeded to get on all-fours and she lost no time in entering me and starting to thrust. I sucked my husband’s cock while he watched the spectacle unfold in front of him until he exploded in my mouth. That’s one couple we’ll definitely be seeing again!
The evening continued in a similar vein, with couples going from massage table to double bed all evening. Everyone had a blast and the dynamic was spot on – despite only knowing one of the couples, John managed to bring together such a great group of people.
Future rendezvous are all but guaranteed, either in smaller groups and foursomes or simply to repeat the experience of a larger private party.
Names in this article (including the author’s) have been changed.
]]>To some, the phrase “dirty weekend” conjures images of hen parties dressed in feather boas, filling All Bar One with cackling screams and ordering sambuca.
But that’s not what I see when I hear it. To me, a dirty weekend is a decadent 48 hours to indulge every fantasy away from home, at a place where boundaries are left behind. And I set out to prove it.
I’d met a man several weeks before and we’d hit it off almost instantly – proven by an evening of exploration and a 6am bedtime. We both wanted the same thing, and weren’t shy in asking for it. This level of sexual openness and honesty was a new experience for me, and one that I wanted to test further.
He booked a sumptuous hotel and agreed a time to meet. In between him taking control and the texts describing exactly what we wanted in excruciating detail, I could hardly wait.
I was packed, tickets printed, suspenders fastened. There’s something deliciously naughty about walking through Victoria station with stockings underneath my skirt and a riding crop in my bag when no one knows it but me. The steady rocking of the train did very little to calm me – I was almost panting by the time we pulled into the station.
Rather than rush to the hotel, I wanted to enjoy delaying our reunion as much as possible. Bending across the bar to order a scotch, sliding up my skirt as I slid into my seat just to give him a hint of hold up – everything was a tease. Innuendo as we ate and stolen kisses in side streets led us back to our room.
The built up tension led to a blur of bitten lips and undone belt buckles. He’d shared his penchant for being submissive – although I hadn’t played the dominant before, I was intrigued to try.
Admittedly I was a little unsure at first – do I even have dominance in me, and most importantly, could I pull it off? There was only one way to find out.
As I pressed my stiletto heel against his chest I left a trail of sharp, neat smacks of the riding crop across his body. I straddled him to continue my work a little closer, and felt him grow harder and harder against me. I didn’t need much more to understand the appeal.
Between the power it gives you and the trust you share to push the limits to a point you’re both okay with, the dominant bond is not only safe but sexy as hell. Now confident in my position as his “Miss”, with his body telling me I was doing well, I continued. I punished him for making me wait so long to see him, for the tease in the lead up to our weekend away, for making me want him so badly.
When he’d repented, we tried reversing roles. Now that the handcuffs were on the other wrists, what had I let myself in for? I definitely didn’t anticipate the exquisite feeling of being bound and blindfolded on a chair purely for his pleasure. My ankles were tied to the outer chair legs, opening my legs and leaving my inner thighs exposed and vulnerable for whatever he saw fit. His tongue invaded each inch of me, snaking its way to where I’d been aching for him to touch for hours. I strained against my rope restraints at his sensuous torture of my already sensitive skin, struggling to stifle my moans as the frustration from weeks past came to a head.
We barely noticed the time as our shared pleasure extended into the early hours, punctuated with coffee and climaxes. Having struggled before to orgasm with someone unless we were more seriously involved, I was impressed. He dedicated himself to my pleasure, not shy in suggesting trying each technique and toy he had at his disposal. Finally, when I was all fours, face pushed into the pillows with his tongue and a bullet simultaneously teasing me from behind that I got what I came for (quite literally).
Exhausted, we fell into a sated sleep. As the sun rose over the seafront in the morning, I was woken with a hand caressing my hip and an impressive morning greeting pressed against my back. His hand soon travelled lower, and I was coming again within 10 minutes. I was impressed – he knew exactly what he was doing, and all this before I’d even opened my eyes.
We ate breakfast in bed, stretching out our well tested muscles and eating naked together as we chatted with mischievous grins about our naughty night away. Throughout our entire stay there was no facade or faking it – our open communication and having no shame about sharing what we wanted made sure we were both left satisfied. He later revealed he’d craved to act out some of these fantasies for years but hadn’t had the chance before now. Although he was happy to finally get what he wanted, was it worth missing out for so long in the name of embarrassment or unfamiliarity?
Leaving our anxieties at home meant we were able to suggest lubes, toys and techniques without cringing, as maybe we had done with others before. In turn we satisfied every sexual urge we had and also learned more about ourselves and what we want from our sex lives – something that we can take home with us as well as a stash of complimentary toiletries. If that’s not a strong case for the dirty weekend, I don’t know what is.
Freshly showered and dressed for the first time in almost 24 hours, we checked out. The reception staff asked if we’d enjoyed our stay; oh, if only she knew.
]]>Our intrepid explorers Penny and Simon went to just such an event, hosted by Colin Richards a sensual masseur and Sex & Relationship Mentor.
We were very nervous as we arrived for Colin’s event, held in a beautiful apartment overlooking the Thames, but the warm welcome we received from Mack and Becca, our hosts for the evening, and from Colin himself put us at ease immediately. Being a smaller event in someone’s home made it feel very relaxed.
We were offered a delicious cocktail and nibbles by the naked butler who had a perfect bottom according to Penny!
You might expect at an event like this for people to stand silently and nervously around the room, but Colin had made sure that some fun icebreakers got people talking.
First we were asked to choose a slip of paper with an erogenous zone and asked to guess what erogenous zone other guests had on their pieces of paper. Questioning and touching (always with permission) was allowed. The aim of the game was to get as many erogenous zones correct which were rewarded with a button and the person who got the most buttons won a sex toy!
While we were all making new friends and discovering erogenous zones we had never even thought about, there was live music from a fabulous vocalist Alex who had an amazing voice, very mellow and treacly!
The intimacy of the venue got people talking immediately, partly down to the organised welcome and the perfect venue. Many people took advantage of the fabulous river side view from the balcony, waving at the pleasure cruisers going past!
After the ice breaker which had relaxed everyone and got them talking to each other, we were treated to a very erotic Fifty Shade of Grey dance to get us in the mood.
At this part of the evening getting people to undress seemed to be the aim but instead of just stripping off, Alex the vocalist volunteered to strip in a very adult version of Pass the Parcel, only we were passing around a very large vibrator. Whoever was holding the sex toy when Alex stopped singing got to take off an item of his clothing to lots of cheers!
By this stage, people were happily chatting away and massage tables were set up in the room.
Alex the singer offered himself for the first one inviting people to massage him. It all felt very natural, with people starting to disrobe. No one seems to be or appeared to be self conscious because it was an extremely relaxed atmosphere.
We happily undressed feeling comfortable to be naked in this intimate venue and took it in turns to massage each other. Colin had warmed up the oil making it feel so sensuous. Alex who is a trained massage therapist as well as a fantastic singer offered to show us both how to massage each other as well as massaging each of us at the same time. It felt really pleasurable and relaxing being massaged by two people.
Wandering through the other two rooms we found things to be very chilled with many couples enjoying intimate touch rather than full blown sex.
We would definitely recommend this event. It gave us the intimacy and relaxation.To be surrounded by people of all ages,chatting, massaging and intimately touching each other in such a relaxed manner is a great first step for couples to begin exploring couples events.
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