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Why I'm having better sex in my 40s than in my 20s

Why I'm having better sex in my 40s than in my 20s | Jo Divine

At the age of 20 I was clueless about sex, men and my body. Being a mature woman in her late 40’s who loves sex I know what I want and how to get it.

I know what I like and what my husband likes in bed too

Now I’m in my late 40’s, I know what I’m doing when it comes to sex. I know what I like, what turns me on or not and where and how I like to be touched. I’m aware of how to bring pleasure to both myself and my husband.

Being sexually inexperienced in my 20’s, I didn’t have the confidence to give guidance to my boyfriends or assumed that they had had more sex than me and therefore were more experienced but they were probably as clueless as me.

I know my body

My sex education was really poor and even during my nurse training I still didn’t learn very much about the biology of the vagina and clitoris and nothing about sexual pleasure. According to my teenage children, sex ed doesn’t seem to have improved, despite them being the most informed generation through the internet and social media.

Having had three children I know my body better than I did when I was younger. Owning a sex toy company and researching and writing about sex has made me more confident about my body. I know what feels right about my body and when something is wrong. I’ve also learnt new sexual techniques which have added to my sexual pleasure and that of my husband.

We talk about sex

Owning a sex toy business and working together, we obviously talk about sex on a daily basis but this has had a positive impact upon our sex life. Even after being together for 27 years and married for 20 we still surprise each other with our sexual thoughts and desires, often laughing when we realise we have the same thoughts about sex!

There is so much stuff in the media about women not enjoying sex or how to get that big “O” that it is clear that couples don’t talk about sex, so when women complain they don’t orgasm during sex, they need to tell or show their partner how to stimulate their clitoris. If you tell your partner what feels good, they’ll do it again.

Lying there in silence when you’d love to have your breasts massaged, your ears kissed or use a vibrator on your clitoris to orgasm isn’t going to help. Men are good but not telepathic.

Pretending you enjoy what they are doing when you are busy making a shopping list in your head means they think you enjoy it and will continue doing it. Men need guidance, and would much rather touch you in ways that will bring you pleasure and vice versa.

I dislike contradictory sex advice. There are so many articles telling us how we’d have better sex if only we did it this way, this many times a week or whilst up a tree, standing on our head or trying all of these 1000 sex positions tonight. It’s far too generalised, and what is pleasurable for some might not deliver that “mind blowing orgasm” for others.

What is “normal sex” for one person may be considered abnormal for another. Offering basic advice about sex would be more useful and if someone then wants to swing from the ceiling light, they can!

We have sex frequently

By this I meant 3-4 times a weeks but not always. It can be hard work motivating yourself at times, especially if you are tired or don’t feel in the mood, but I find myself getting ratty with everyone if we have a dry spell. We haven’t always had sex this often but by making an effort, I find that I really enjoy sex when I’m not really in the mood.

Sometimes coital sex isn’t possible or you don’t feel like it but you can still enjoy amazing orgasms through mutual masturbation using fingers, tongues or sex toys.

We are sexually adventurous

Through talking about sex and experimenting with ways in which to have sexual pleasure, we have become more adventurous, even doing things we only talked about but that’s our secret!

I take charge

My husband loves this and so do I, it doesn’t happen every time, but there is something very sexy about dominating your man. Too many women just lie there and expect their man to do all the work, then complain when it isn’t any good.

I used to be like that, but now that I take control I find I have amazing blended orgasms. I get the best clitoral stimulation when on top and can control the pace at which I go so either speed up my sexual pleasure or prolong it.

I’ve recently discovered the pleasure of cervical orgasms through positioning myself on top to allow very deep penetration and when using a fabulous vibrator, Fun Factory Big Boss G5 – I definitely recommend trying this!

I use lubricant

In my 20’s I never used a sexual lubricant. For me, KY jelly, the only lube I had heard of, was for old ladies, used on the hospital wards for certain procedures or when I had a smear test.

Yet, since discovering YES organic lubricants in 2007, I’ve never looked back and won’t have sex without it. Sex just feel so much more pleasurable.

Hormonal changes, stress, medication and illness can make vaginal secretions vary widely throughout the month. It can often take a while to get going and lubricants help. Lubricants tend to be seen as a way of helping a sexual problem, not to make sex feel great.

I use sex toys

Sex toys enhance our sex play, rather than detract from it. Many women think men don’t like sex toys because they think it will replace them but this just isn’t true. Often men would like to introduce a sex toy into their relationship but fear that it may upset their partner.

I rarely use my sex toys alone but will often have one handy in the bedside drawer. We don’t use a toy every time we have sex but often have fun playing with a vibrator during foreplay. My partner has his own toys which are great such as vibrating cock rings, which I love, male masturbators which help an aching hand or wrist and butt toys too.

I have discovered that I can orgasm in several ways through using a toy which my partner loves to watch.

I make noise!

Making sounds of pleasure will encourage your partner to continue what they’re doing. Most men find responsiveness a greater turn on than the way you look. Encouraging your partner turns you both on as they are doing something that pleasures you and you get to enjoy it. This works both ways.

I have menopausal symptoms

The media always portrays the menopause as this sad period in women’s lives when they are really miserable and hate sex! I’m 49 and experience vaginal dryness, aching limbs, chest pain, hot flushes and mood swings but I love sex and am enjoying the best sex I have ever had.

Most women do experience some symptoms of the menopause, some worse than others but there is help available in the form of medication, hormonal creams and lubricants and changing the way in which you have sex.

Many women who experience sexual difficulties are often the women who had problems before they started the menopause and continue to do so after the menopause. It is frustrating that as soon as you mention ”the menopause”, people start talking about all the terrible symptoms you will have, even though some women fly through this phase in the lives with little disruption or find ways in which to deal with their symptoms.

If you look for the problems, you will find them. Some women go into the menopause looking for symptoms to validate how terrible this phase of a woman’s life is rather than tackling sexual problems when and if they do occur.

I know if I have any problems, there are things I can do to continue enjoying sex.

I’m more confident and accepting about the way I look

I’ve had three children and still blame my tummy on our youngest child who is 12! However I have good boobs and legs which my man loves.

Lying there worrying about your wobbly thighs or cellulite means you’re not concentrating on the sex and what’s happening to your body. On the whole, most men don’t give a stuff about how you look but they love confidence women.

Women put too much emphasis is on being perfect or trying to emulate the latest celebrity, who we all know has been photo shopped, has a team of stylists to dress them and hasn’t had to spend the evening arguing with children to get them into bed.

You don’t need to dress in a frumpy manner just because you don’t feel sexy. Many women I know going through the menopause are all shapes and sizes but still dress stylishly and look amazing. They all seem to have a positive manner towards life. Caring about the way you look can help your mood and make you feel happier. Don’t do it for others but for yourself.

Your partner loves your smile, the dimple on your chin, your luscious buttocks or come to bed eyes!

I have had weight issues in the past like many women but now I have found the right balance, eating healthily and drinking moderately.

I quite like the way I look now, something I probably wouldn’t have said 5 years ago. I feel better when I’ve had sex even if I’m really tired and just want to sleep. I’ve always liked sex but writing about sex has made me more sexually confident. By keeping sex positive I’m enjoying the best sex I have ever had. Long may it continue

I hope you can too!