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The Fifty Shades of Grey craze has brought S&M to the mainstream, but being a dominatrix or submitting to your partner means more than letting them take control in the bedroom. The key elements of participating in sadomasochism are trust and obedience. However, for some people, the terminology is interchangeable, while others identify more closely with certain elements of BDSM. Think of it like a sexual spectrum, as some things aren’t for everyone.
The Dominant will have a particular type of fantasy, which the submissive then helps to play out, for instance, calling their partner “Master” or “Madam”. Submission also means that an element of responsibility has been taken away, which the submissive finds emotionally satisfying. Many men who are submissive like to be humiliated or partake in activities that are typically considered demeaning.
A submissive doesn’t expect praise for their actions, as the “owner’s” contentment is satisfying enough. The Dominant helps to build the submissive’s confidence overtime, establishing boundaries and pushing their submissive just that little bit out of their comfort zones in order to show their inner strength. The film with the original Mr Grey, Secretary (2002), depicts this relationship between a submissive secretary and her masochistic boss.
The trust element is highly important: S&M brings a mix of pain and pleasure, meaning the dominatrix uses force. The submissive must trust their dominatrix enough to know that they won’t suffer major physical pain or injure themselves, as it can be a far cry from a little rough and tumble! Typically, a “safe word” will be confirmed so that it is easily made clear when too much pain is being administered. This is done to allow the fantasy role play to continue uninterrupted.
Dominating sex involves more than just sex toys. Bondage can include being wrapped up in material like a present, sections of the material being cut to expose skin, before being whipped. It may sound scary, but the submissive isn’t vulnerable- they’re willing to commit themselves 100% to their dominatrix. Being tied up or restrained is all part of the sexual fantasy.
Taking control in the bedroom doesn’t automatically make you a dominatrix, as it’s more of a fetish lifestyle than simply using whips and chains! However, experimenting is fun, and trying new things is a great way to keep your sex life from becoming repetitive. When experimenting with light bondage, communication is key. Talk to each other, and be open about what you like and dislike from a sexual perspective.
If you like a sexy sting, why not try the Sex & Mischief Feather Slapper, or if you want a more than just a tingle, the Sportsheets Leather Spanker is a great choice. There are loads of great products for both beginners to experiment with, and for seasoned kinksters to expand their fetish collection.
Most importantly, have fun with it. Do what feels good and comes naturally for both of you . Forced fun isn’t great or pleasurable! Take your time over your foreplay and bedtime fun!