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Multiple Sclerosis is one of the best things to have happened to my sex life.
Do I wish it hadn’t happened to me? Absolutely. Would I wish it away now I have it? Not for a second.
The self-reflection and awareness I’ve been forced to explore has opened my perspective into an entirely different universe. Just as I had to learn to stand and walk again (yes, really) I had to relearn about my sexuality. From scratch. How it felt to be stimulated. How it felt to be touched. How to climax alone and with my husband.
Nothing was the same; that said, it was the beginning of a fascinating journey.
Relearning who I was, and what worked for me again was one thing, sure, but what about the fabulous world which had opened up? The opportunities that had arisen, the woman I was becoming. The woman, that had always been there, hiding just beneath the surface.
I learned that it’s all about adaptation. What worked before may not work now, and that’s okay. Naturally, my partner must do more work these days (which plays right into my submissive side, I must say). It’s less about the acrobatic Kama Sutra positions, and more about the sensual (or rough) side of it. One thing that has been a revelation post diagnosis is the importance of sensory play- words, sight, touch. I had no idea of its power pre-MS. None.
Being welcomed into the weird and wonderful world of kink has a huge part of my sexual reawakening. I discovered I’m rather the exhibitionist. My partner and I joined Instagram for this reason, and you could say it all erupted from there…… Finally, we could put words to fantasies and kinks we’d have for a while but didn’t have a name for or didn’t understand. It was from here we began to explore Ethical Non Monogamy, and my, has it been something.
And, that was when I discovered what it was to truly feel comfortable in my own skin- ironic considering I’m numb for the majority of the time! I had previously only squirted once in my life, when I was about 18…… I don’t consider it to be a ‘destination’ or a validation of my sexuality, but something funny happens when you’re diagnosed with something as life- altering as MS. The insecurities you used to have melt away. The things that seemed big no longer are in comparison, and that massively changes perspective. So, after 12 years of assuming it was just something I “couldn’t do” or “wasn’t built for”, it turned out that was very much not the case.
By getting in tune with my own body and learning to love it for what it is; not broken and not damaged. Different. Unique. Me.
I genuinely think that’s why I finally felt confident enough in my own body, the one which I had felt let me down for so long, to allow me the release I knew it could by squirting. I think that my newfound sexual confidence paved the way for this, as well as with many other things we’re excited to explore. Toys are, let’s be honest, like the bread and butter of our sex lives. Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but they are certainly so for us. Of course, it took a lot of perseverance and exploration…. Different positions, different toys. It turns out a love egg is the key. The elusive and very welcome key.
Then, a turning point came (pun intended!) during our first swinging experience. It happened without toys. Unexpectedly. I think that shows how comfortable I was in the situation, and how excited the anticipation and build up made me… Not a bad first time in my book!
So, as good as squirting feels, for me, it’s not so much about that, as much as what it stands for. It’s a symbol. A metaphor. My sexuality reawakening. My sensuality blossoming like a rose in spring. My confidence emerging. Discovering the woman I’m supposed to be. The one who’s been there all along, waiting to make her grand entrance. I might be a little late to the party; but hell, was it worth the wait.