How to Discover Your Dominant Side

How to Discover Your Dominant Side

Last week, a woman reached out and asked me how to bring out her dominant side. She told me that she generally enjoyed being submissive, and being told what to do in the bedroom. But recently, she was having sex with her partner, and he was taking too long, so she decided to take over. She climbed on top of him, put her hand over his mouth, and whispered, “I’m taking over now.” It was enough to get him so aroused that he climaxed within minutes.

She admitted that she’d worried that he might not like her dominant behaviour, or that he would think it was too much. But afterwards, he admitted to her that he had loved it and wished that she had continued.

If this strikes a cord, perhaps sexual dominance is ready to be released. Here are some simple tools to bring her to the surface.

What does being dominant look like to you?

Firstly, how does dominance look? Is it standing a certain way? Is it wearing certain clothes? Which piece of clothing in your closest makes you feel powerful, confident and beautiful? Think about it. Dominance is all about confidence, and feeling good about yourself.

So, identify what being dominant means to you and write it out. Have some sort of idea how that looks on you, not how it looks on someone else.

Take The Initiative

Dominance and submission is all about power exchange and exchanging power can make things feel more intense.

Don’t be nervous or hesitant when you tell him what to do. Maintain your confidence. Walk up behind him and kiss his neck. Take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom. Push him down onto the bed and start unbuckling his pants. Gently bite his neck.

Start with the easier things, and you’ll quickly notice how easy & fun it is!

Some practical tips if you do feel nervous:
  • Blindfolds are an excellent way to gain confidence as your partner cannot see what you are doing and will not be able to notice any nerves or hesitation.
  • Practise. Listen to yourself saying things out loud. Use a mirror to see your own expressions and body language. Practising is a very effective way to build up your confidence.
  • Another tool is visualising. You can do this anywhere, it’s like meditating. Visualise the scene in your mind, plan the steps and imagine his reaction; it’s powerful and a turn-on.

“Dominance is a personality characteristic. The kinky aspect can be learned, but true DOMINANCE is all personality, you either have it or you don’t.”

Talk Dirty

Talking dirty to your man is so powerful. It builds sexual tension and keeps him thinking about you when you’re not around. How you say the words is most important and when you see how powerful your words are, you will soon be exploding with confidence.

You can use dirty talk in the bedroom, or discreetly in public

Here are some dirty things you can say to your man…
  • You don’t get to cum until I say so, ok?
  • Take your clothes off. Lie down and shut up.
  • On your knees. Now.
  • I’m going to jerk you off until I get every last drop out of you.
  • Take your clothes off and get into bed.
  • I wish we were at home, so I could do some terrible things to you.
  • I just want you to know I’m dripping wet.
  • I want to taste you on me.
  • I want to feel you shoot your load in my mouth.
  • I need you to walk in front of me, so I can see your ass.

These are just a few ideas to get you started on your journey to Dominance. Be creative; there are so many situations where you can use dirty talk to get what you want. Practise and you’ll be dominating him in no time.


This one is so easy.

A flatmate of mine wanted me to contact a friend to see if she was interested in him. He wanted something from me, so I took this opportunity to get something from him. It was my turn to clean the bathroom, so I told him if he cleaned the bathroom to my liking, I would message her on his behalf. He immediately went to clean the bathroom.

The fun part was inspecting it behind him, and telling him it wasn’t good enough while pointing out what he needed to do to meet my standards. The power exchange was subtle but effective and needless to say, once he was done, the bathroom was spotless.

This goes back to step 2: take the Initiative and you will feel your confidence grow. Start with chores. Make a list for him and deny him what he loves most of all – his climax.

Once he has completed the household chores to your liking, you can reward him. Tell him that he’s been a really good boy and, because of this, he will be allowed sexual access to you.

You get the idea. The difference here is that he will know that it is a reward and that you’ll be doing it continuously, with him wanting it to be this way.

After all, “Dominance isn’t about sex, it’s about Power.”

Bring out the Toys

It’s important to remember that a sex toy doesn’t replace you: it enhances you.

You can use a variety of sex toys and props (including vibrators, blindfolds, spanking paddles, wedge pillows, and riding crops) for consensual and mutual sexual pleasure. It’s always a good idea to start slow when introducing sex toys into a session, especially if it’s the first time. And remember, when you’re using it to stimulate your partner, you are in full control. You get to decide the speed, the pressure, and the rhythm.

When you introduce the idea to your partner, make it clear that this is for both of you. You can use spanking as foreplay before sexual intercourse, or as a kinky punishment during Submission and Domination play. Giving an erotic spanking can increase blood flow in your partner’s groin area to enhance their sexual pleasure.

Asserting your confidence in the bedroom is all about showing that you’re not threatened by trying new things, or new toys. Trust me: your partner will thank you. Because having the right set of tools at your disposal doesn’t diminish your presence in the bedroom – it takes your game to the next level.

Note: This article is aimed more towards heterosexual couples comprising a male that has submissive tendencies and a woman that is mainly submissive in the bedroom but wants to release her dominant side. Therefore, healthy communication is assumed. Safewords, limits and aftercare are all things to take into account when dominating a partner and more can be found on these subjects in our upcoming BDSM mini-series.

Get into the Right Headspace

Being Dominant is more of a personality trait, but dominating your partner in the bedroom can be learned. Remember, it simply takes time and practise to get used to.

One thing that can help is if you require him to call you by a specific name during a scene. As well as showing him who’s boss, and bringing a fantasy element into your play, it can also help you to get your head in the game. It could be as simple as “Mistress”, but you can be as creative as you like.

Remember our first step? Ask yourself, “what does being dominant look like to me?”. Certain outfits, costumes, or props may also be useful to help you feel into your dominance. Choose activities and outfits that you feel sexy and powerful in, but that are also comfortable. You don’t need to wear leather or thigh-high boots if that’s not your style. Simply wear and do what you makes you feel in control instead of imitating a cliché.

It is likely to be hard to get in the right frame of mind if you’re uncomfortable and self-conscious. While there may be a little awkwardness or a few giggles in the beginning, if you’re comfortable, and you feel good, you should be able to perform and enjoy yourself more and more as you gain experience.

In conclusion

Now that you have a few tools to help you discover your dominant side, consider if being more dominant is right for you, or something you’re willing to explore with your partner. If full on dominance feels like too much, the easiest way to start is to experiment with dirty talk. I promise that you will begin to feel empowered. Dirty talk can get just about anyone in the right headspace within seconds.

And as for what’s in it for you… the most positive outcome is a healthier relationship with yourself. Your happiness is the priority, and you will get the satisfaction that your partner is enjoying doing things that make you happy, simply to make you happy.

So, go forth, conquer, and most importantly, have fun. And feel free to let us know if you try out any of these tips!

By: Sadistic Coach, Fitness Domme of the Kink & Fetish Community