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How to perform amazing oral sex on a vulva and vagina

How to perform amazing oral sex on a vulva and vagina | Jo Divine

Seemingly the most mysterious of the sexual arts, the act of cunnilingus is one which can be sublime to both perform and receive. It can also be boring, painful, frustrating or unpleasant.

If you read 20 articles about how to give great oral sex (and I have today), you’ll get at least 100 different suggestions. Not one of the articles was without a suggestion which I, personally, would find awful. Herein lies the problem- you can’t learn a repertoire that will make you an expert. Everyone is so different, has different things they enjoy or despise at different points in the journey towards (possible, hopeful) orgasm and what is miraculous for one vagina owner is a torturous act of endurance for another to receive. Doesn’t sound very hopeful, does it?

Fear not, my lovely libertines, for there is one over-riding key to learning to perform fantastic oral sex. That key is adaptability.

Whereas most acts- from seduction to intercourse- are best performed with a sense of confidence and certainty, the act of cunnilingus is best approached with a sense of oneself as a novice. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve never gone down on a woman before or consider yourself the cunnilingus Casanova – whenever you are with someone new, you need to learn from the start.

There are a few commonalities to making the experience a good one:

Don’t start with oral sex

Before you go anywhere near the intimate zone, you need to work your way down. You start with the mind.

Your words and actions are needed to generate the right combination between a sense of relaxed safety and sexual tension, the sense of arousal and intimacy that creates the mindset and pheromonal state in which the body prepares itself to receive physical attention. Set the mood, set the interaction, create a sense of warmth and luxury, of personal connection and of mutual trust. This doesn’t just apply to strangers- even if you have been married 20 years, there are obstacles life throws up for us that are barriers to feeling close. When we fix these, we break down our aggressions, fears and annoyances to return to our natural, erotic, loving state.

Next, involve the whole body. Start with gentle sensual touch to other parts of the body – the cheek, the lips, the neck, the breasts. Stroke the inner arms, massage the feet. You are laying offerings at the door to the temple of sexual pleasure. There is no part of the body which is more valuable than any other. Show them all some love in line with the likes of your partner and wake up the senses all over.

As you approach the genitals, stop and hover around the area. Gently stroke the lower belly, softly bite the inner thighs. Circle the area slowly, tease and tempt.

Take your time

All too often, going down on a vagina is considered a brief act of foreplay before intercourse – an act simply to soften and wet the area to overcome friction. Before you begin, commit to the notion that you will do this until the sun comes up, not until your penis comes up. Whether or not your partner is able to orgasm, only orgasms occasionally or with difficulty, or orgasms in minutes, you need to plan this time to be dedicated to her (or his, or their) pleasure. This is not one-and-done.

If you want to be a truly phenomenal oral lover, you need to be prepared to put the work in without expectation of reward. Some people say they ‘love giving oral sex’. Yet these people are often not very good at it. Why? Because they are making it about their own enjoyment of the act, and their sense of themselves as a skilled lover, without focussing on the important thing. The pleasure of the vagina-owner. Be prepared to continue until you are asked to stop. Some people may take a while to reach their second, third or fourth orgasm. Some may know their bodies only normally create one. Yet unless you know for certain that they can’t have more than one orgasm, why shouldn’t you try? This is not a five-minute job for most. It is quite normal to take half an hour, two hours or more to reach climax. Often the longer it takes, the better it is. Subsequent orgasms may follow more rapidly. Everyone is so different.

Respond to your partner’s signals

Signals come in many forms. Fumbling under a duvet in the dark will obscure most of the visual cues. Signs of arousal include swelling, softening and reddening of the area, lubrication, warmth and sometimes a slight change of scent and taste. Beyond this, there is the pattern of breathing, the sounds they make and their actions. Do they grind towards you, hold their breath? Become tense? Stroke their skin? Do they tell you things in words?

If your partner tells you something they like, or dislike, they are guiding you towards what they have learned is most effective for them.

To perform excellent oral sex, this truly is the most key aspect. Tailor your approach, change your plans as you go and respond to what works for them. Respond to their body. Remember what works for them. An extensive repertoire of 50 tricks you learned that worked (or that you were told worked) on other women, mish-mashed into a sexual montage, is not nearly as effective as learning the two or three things that most drive your partner wild. It is this bespoke service that separates the men (or women) from the boys (or girls).

Some ideas your partner might love (or hate)

Because everyone is so different, there is no formula that is guaranteed to work for all, or even most. Here are some technical ideas you can suggest or try with your partner, if they like it:

Focus on the clitoris

The clitoris is more than a little bead at the top of where the inner lips meet- beneath the surface it stretches around each side and to the back in a wishbone shape. With the clitoris head itself, often a very delicate touch is best. Light, fluttery flicks, soft and slow gentle licks. The ability to vibrate one’s tongue is a (unfortunately rare) godsend that feels phenomenal, but if this is not possible, it is easy to buy oral sex toys that can give a similar sensation. Though the skin around the vagina is still delicate and sensitive, some partners may enjoy firmer pressure to the area as the anatomy of the clitoris is deeper here. Firm pressure to one side or the other of the clitoris is usually preferable to directly to the clitoris head. When in doubt, start softer and follow your partner’s lead as to whether harder pressure or faster movement is desired. Sometimes, soft and gentle is all it takes. Some prefer a firmer sensation. Learn what your partner likes and ask them how it’s feeling. It is better to start slower and softer – causing your partner pain or discomfort will ruin their experience and snap them out of the sensual reverie so necessary for enjoyment and orgasm.

Inside the vagina

Using the lips or tongue inside the vagina is enjoyed by some people, but many women find this to be a minimal, or even unpleasant sensation. Using the tongue like a tiny penis is generally not satisfying. Though stimulating the surroundings can be enjoyable and add to heightened sensation, the inside is unlikely to have any strong reactions from the tongue.

Instead, consider use of a gentle, well lubricated finger on the g-spot when nearing orgasm to give a combined sensation. This is often at the front an inch or two inside, though location varies. It feels slightly rough. A gentle, come-hither motion is usually more enjoyable than a strong pressure, and can sometimes even make your partner squirt!

The sensitive areas around the periphery of the vaginal opening vary greatly between women. See how your partner responds.

Anolingus

Use of the tongue around the edges of the anus is something that many women enjoy, but some dislike. This can be because of psychological associations, or it may just be that they don’t like the physical sensation. The skin at the perineum and around the anus is very sensitive, and this can either be enjoyable or may be ticklish. If this is something you’d like to try, as with anything, it’s best to see how your partner feels about it. Rather than being an awkward conversation, this can be part of your psychological foreplay, where you steamily discuss the things you might like to do together, and gauge her reaction.
You don’t have to do them all- watch the response.

Stay safe

The myth that oral sex is ‘safe’ or ‘lower risk’ than vaginal penetration needs to be debunked. So use dental dams or a cut down condom for either vuval/vaginal/anal oral sex. You can get flavoured dental dams and condoms in addition to flavoured lubricants ( we don’t recommend those for vaginal penetration but they are great for oral sex). You can even get vegan latex single use panties too.

Other areas

Some women know they are more aroused or orgasm more easily when their oral stimulation is combined with stimulation of other areas. Nipple stimulation, stroking the buttocks, inner thighs, neck or pressing down with the flat of your hand on the lower belly can all help intensify the experience, depending on your partner.

Styles of contact

Kissing – gentle pursing of the lips. Softly stroke the surfaces. Explore.
Blowing – the sudden change of temperature with gentle blowing can be arousing for some, and is sensuous.
Sucking – When sucking, go gently and see what the response is. Sucking too hard, especially over the head or hood of the clitoris, can be painful.
Licking – The tongue is a soft, wet and flexible instrument, with a huge number of nerve endings that allow it to navigate carefully. From a gentle flick, a glide over the surface or circling, it has the dexterity to do things and respond in a way the fingers, and certainly the penis, cannot. There is no need to cover the whole surface with big slurps like a Labrador unless your partner likes it that way. It is a precision instrument.

Climbing the mountain

Once your partner is relaxed, highly aroused and the physical activity has been sustained for a while, she might be feeling like she’d like to climb to the summit of orgasm. Sometimes, that pathway is straight- if you’ve found something she’s really enjoying, carry on doing it. Don’t feel the need to change. It’s working!

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, the act that drove you insane with desire a moment ago fades away and you roll back down the hill a little. That’s okay- if your partner stops responding towards climax, try something slightly different. If you found a speed and pressure she liked, try it in a slightly different place – different by millimetres. Or stay in the same place but vary the speed or pressure. It’s not always necessary to increase speed or pressure approaching orgasm, unless your partner likes it that way.

If there is a general flaw, it’s changing what you do too much- 30 seconds of something isn’t even long enough to relax into it. Minor adjustments are best. Your jaw and tongue will tire of a new position long before a clitoris will.

Signs of climax approach vary between women. They may go tense, hold their breath, their leg may start to shake or they may call out. They may tighten up, they may become wetter, more swollen and pink on their labia and even the lips on their face. As you learn your partner’s body, you’ll become better at reading the signs. Continue doing just what you are doing as she climaxes. At the point she reaches orgasm itself, you may need to reduce speed or pressure, but keep yourself in contact with the same area. It may be very sensitive right after, and you’ll have to take a moment just keeping in contact with little to no pressure or motion, before you gently resume to aim for the next one.

How do you know when you are done? You are done when she is fully satisfied, and tells you so. Unfortunately, women particularly, in their wish to be loved, seen as suitable for their partner and not cause problems or hurt feelings, have been raised by generations of women who don’t feel they have the right to hold out for real orgasms. That even though they are multi-orgasmic, they should be more than satisfied to just have one. That ultimately, their partner’s sexual pleasure and orgasm is the vital thing, not their own. Because of this, we have also had generations of men indoctrinated with the personal mythology that they are amazing lovers, that all their partners orgasmed when they haven’t, or that penetrative intercourse ‘should’ be more than enough to ensure a woman’s pleasure. For the vast, vast majority of women, it really isn’t. Inexpertly performed oral sex isn’t either. For both those performing and receiving oral sex, we have a lot of learning to do. We have to overcome our fears, get honest with ourselves and learn the difficult work of communicating our needs, and listening to the responses of our partner.

Ultimately, we need to approach our partner knowing that we know nothing. Knowing nothing, but looking forward to the adventure of learning.
That, my lovely libertines, is how you perform amazing oral sex on a vagina.