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How to introduce a sex toy into your sex play?

How to introduce a sex toy into your sex play? | Jo Divine

Many women and men would like to introduce a sex toy into their sex play but are unsure how their partner will react. There are many myths linked to using sex toys which can affect the way people feel about them, from the idea that they are a substitute for a man, which they can never be, to being perceived as bad or something shameful to use in your sex life.

Sex toys are often seen as something you use if you are a sad lonely person, yet this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sales of sex toys are increasing as people become aware of both the pleasurable and health benefits they can bring to your sex life.

Studies conducted at Indiana University in USA in 2009 found that 53% of women and 45% of men aged between 18-65 years had used a vibrator and that vibrator use is associated with improved sexual function and being more proactive about sexual health.

If your partner is reluctant to incorporate a sex toy into your sex play, here are some ways in which you can help them overcome their feelings and increase both your sexual pleasure too.

Talk to each other first

You may think it is a good idea to surprise your partner with a birthday, anniversary or Valentine’s Day gift but it is advisable to talk to them first before whipping out your realistic 8” silicone vibrator just as you are getting into bed!

Finding out why your partner is adverse to using a sex toy is the first step in encouraging them to try one. If they have had a bad experience in the past with a badly made product or an unpleasant experience with another partner, you could suggest that you both look for a suitable sex toy, many of which are beautifully designed and will not bear any resemblance to the toy they may have such negative thoughts about.

They may think that your sex life is lacking in some way if you want to use a sex toy. Reassure them that this is not the case and you just want to find ways in which to pep up your sex life and enjoy different sexual sensations and pleasure.

Many couples use a sex toy when sex is not possible as a result of one person having erectile dysfunction, a disability, illness or disease or following surgery or cancer treatment.

Even when they are unable to have penetrative sex they can still enjoy sexual pleasure and intimacy together by using sex toys.

Start small

A common mistake both men and women make when buying a sex toy is related to size. Men tend to think that bigger is better, which can be a complete turn off for many women and some men who are not keen on sex toys as they see them as their replacement. They are not going to be happy if you whip out a large T-Rex silicone dildo, which may threaten their manhood!

There are many small clitoral vibrators that are ideal to introduce into your sex play. Beautifully designed, they do not bear any resemblance to anything of a phallic nature. Bullet vibrators and clitoral stimulators may be small but have strong motors which make them great for slipping between you during sex for clitoral stimulation.

For women

If you are a woman who finds it difficult to orgasm or do not orgasm during penetrative sex , using a clitoral vibrator can help you to achieve a clitoral orgasm. 75% of women orgasm this way and can often make themselves orgasm through clitoral stimulation but don’t orgasm during sex due to a lack of clitoral stimulation as some men assume that women only orgasm through penetrative sex or as a result of inadequate clitoral stimulation.

By showing your man how to stimulate your clitoris using a small sex toy, he will begin to understand what is pleasurable for you. Men need guidance in how to stimulate women and using a small bullet vibrator can make his life much easier and yours more pleasurable.

Using a small vibrator during sex can show him you don’t want to replace him but just want to make sex between you even better.

Try using it on the end of his penis for him to realise how pleasurable it feels. Encourage him to take control and show him how you like it to be massaged over your clitoris. He’ll enjoy seeing your response!

Choosing a Sex Toy for a Female Partner

Some men buy their partner a sex toy with good intentions in mind, thinking it will spice up their sex life, but find it completely rejected and told to take it back for a refund!

Think small and not phallic. Avoid choosing something that is too big, comes in a box with a scantily clad woman on the cover or is made from rubber, jelly or latex as these are difficult to clean and contain materials which may be harmful to health.

Many sex toys come in stylish packaging, are pretty colours and beautifully designed. Choose a silicone, glass or metal toy which is skin safe. Consider buying a good lubricant to use with the toy as it will make using the product feel more pleasurable. YES organic lubricants are completely skin safe and feel great during sex.

A small clitoral vibrator is unthreatening, offers great sexual stimulation and many do not even look like a sex toy. If your partner is shy about using the toy, allow them time alone to get familiar with how it works and what they can do with it, rather than expect them to use it in front of you immediately.

If they are happy to play with their new toy with you, you can both have some fun finding out what it can do.

Sex toys for Men

Often thought as just for women, there are many sex toys designed for male pleasure too. From vibrating constriction rings to make your erection larger and last longer to male vibrators and masturbation sleeves that mimic the sensations felt during sexual intercourse.

Prostate massagers not only help you enjoy powerful prostate orgasms but also improve your prostate health by flushing out static fluid that can build up and lead to an enlarged prostate which can feel painful and cause urinary issues.

Whatever you do, do not surprise your male partner with a huge butt plug as this may completely put them off!

Couples’ Toys

You could choose a vibrating cock ring that offers both male and female sexual stimulation. Worn on the penis during sex, the vibrating nub of the ring sits snugly against the clitoris and makes the erection bigger and firmer, providing intense sexual stimulation for both of you.

There are several couples’ toys which are great for sex play together, including the We-Vibe Jive or We-Vibe Ditto Many are controlled by a remote, making your sex play more fun and exciting. Passing over the control of remote controlled sex toy to your reluctant partner may be the way to whet his appetite for using sex toys as many men love gadgets and will enjoy being in control of your sexual pleasure!


You could try experimenting with light bondage to add some spice to your sex life using ties, ticklers if sex toys aren’t your thing. Bondage offers another aspect to sexual pleasure and arousal which you may prefer and see as less threatening than a sex toy. Indulge in sensory deprived sex by using a simple blindfold for heightened sexual pleasure and anticipation.

Sex toys are fun

Sex toys are fun and are meant to bring greater sexual pleasure to you and your partner. They can increase your sexual pleasure and make your sex life more adventurous. Sex toys don’t have to be used every time you have sex, but keep them handy in the bedside drawer when you need them with some lubricant.

If you manage to persuade your partner to have some fun with a sex toy, why not choose a toy together or pick one each to play with.

If your partner still cannot be persuaded to try a sex toy, you may have to accept that you will be enjoying your sex toy for solo pleasure only! But give it a go, you never know, they may become a fan too!