Around 30% of women orgasm through penetrative sex, so why do some filmmakers and TV programme makers still depict couples having a “wegasm” where they both appear to orgasm at the same time? This mythical idea often leads people to believe there is something wrong with them if it does not happen when they are perfectly normal.
Many couples still cling to this myth that they will both orgasm through penetrative sex, trying to make this rare event happen despite numerous research studies and surveys showing that 70 % of people with a clitoris need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, something that often does not happen or not very effectively during penetrative sex. It is often a sex fear that many male partners have, worrying about not giving their female partner an orgasm.
Often the problem is a lack of talking about female pleasure in sex education, our relationship with our sexual organs, embarrassment, acted sex in porn, upbringing and cultural beliefs. The focus on penis in vagina sex as the only way to have sex is a common view held by many heterosexual couples so no wonder we are missing out on gorgeous clitoral pleasure.
We know from research (Kinsey 2014) gay women enjoy many more orgasms than straight people with a vulva and vagina.
Why is this the case?
Research by Nichols (2013) found that heterosexual women don’t expect to have an orgasm, while women in gay relationships expect to orgasm every time. So when the expectation is that both partners will orgasm, time and effort is spent on non-penetrative sex play and oral sex, because a penis is not involved, to make sure it happens.
Heterosexual couples who do enjoy regular orgasms do exactly this, they do not just focus on penetration as the main act but just part of it, spending more time on oral sex, mutual masturbation, playing with sex toys, bondage and trying different positions.
Many people can enjoy amazing orgasms when masturbating but struggle to understand why they do not happen with a partner. We often have conversations with women who have never had an orgasm, are not sure if they have or are unsure of what or where their clitoris is. We also talk to those who enjoy an orgasm when masturbating but never during penetrative sex.
It is only when people begin to explore their bodies through masturbation, sex toys for different sexual stimulation and different positions, that they discover what works for them.
It is great to see more TV shows and films, especially on streaming services with people of all gender and ages enjoying sex in many ways, the image of a woman going down on another woman, couples grabbing the lube, women taking out their sex toy from the bedside drawer, the post-coital wee and even men with erectile issues becoming more commonplace which is reflective of the sex many people enjoy.
Sadly the press still seem to go into meltdown when a television programme shows an older woman enjoying sex with a younger man or older couples being intimate, making a huge deal rather than something that frequently happens behind closed doors. It seems as if society has moved on and not the media, yet many people are living longer and enjoying very pleasurable sex lives.
So how do we ditch the myth of the wegasm?
Show your partner how you masturbate, move their fingers and hands over your pleasure spots. Tell them what feels good, not so great, make pleasurable noises when they get it right.
Take the focus off penetration by spending more time on oral sex, mutual masturbation, bondage, different positions and explore sex toys which are not just for those with a vulva and vagina, many are great to use on a penis, around the testicles, under the perineum and there are some fantastic sex toys designed for penis owners too, so they do not need to miss out on all the fun.
Investing in a simple sex toy to play with together, a simple bullet vibrator or clitoral stimulator is small enough to slip between you during penetrative sex, increasing your chances of having an orgasm. A vibrating constriction ring is great because not only does it offer clitoral stimulation, it will also make your partner’s penis feel big and some even turn the penis into a vibrator, what more could you ask for!
Enjoying an orgasm before or post penetration. Focusing on pleasuring each other heightens your arousal as you see or feel how turned on your partner has become, taking time to prolong their pleasure, edging them toward their orgasm 2 or 3 times before allowing them to topple over that cliff edge to exquisite pleasure.
Rather than focus on having a wegasm which, if it does happen, view it as a pleasurable coincidence and spend time pleasuring each other so you both enjoy a happy ending.