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Foreplay is meant to be fun, the precursor to intercourse or just extended pleasureable sex play because not everyone has penetrative sex.
It is important to make it part of the whole experience, not just some hurried rushed sexual experience that leaves at least one person feeling unsatisfied and perhaps not ready for penetrative sex.
Foreplay can become too clinical, routine and boring. How many of us have been there: two minutes fondling the breasts and four minutes between the legs or frnatically masturbating a penis before getting on with the job in hand! It doesn’t have to be the same each time – sometimes it can be longer, sometimes quicker and it doesn’t have to be one way.
People with a vagina and vulva may find they don’t get wet enough for full sexual intercourse without some stimulation first, especially clitoral stimulation. The same goes for penis owners who needs sexual stimulation to get an erection and maintain it. Some partners feel they are being judged if they don’t get aroused immediately and some feel it is a waste of time and that they should be getting down to the nitty gritty of sex!
There is often the assumption that women want foreplay and men don’t. Not all women enjoy foreplay and just like going to the main event and likewise, many men love foreplay.
Communication is so important in relationships. When we stop talking, problems start to arise, especially within our sex lives. Our partners aren’t mind readers and neither are we, so tell each other how you are feeling and what you like. Tell each other what feels good, that you love each other, what you would like to do to each other, where you love to be kissed and what you like about each other’s bodies. You may both be surprised about what is said if you are honest with each other. If a person sees his partner actively enjoying what they are doing, it is a huge turn on.
For many people with a vulva and vagina, our brains never switch off if foreplay is dull so flick that chatter switch off and concentrate on what your partner is doing, giving them guidance as to what feels really good.
The sexes are so different yet we all have basic needs. For people with a penis, sex can be intimately connected with their sense of masculinity, self image and self worth.Telling your partner what you like will open up your sexual relationship and make it more pleasurable for both of you.
Most partners are highly visual and become aroused by just watching. Have the confidence to strip off in front of your partner and beckon them into bed. Don’t feel too self conscious about your body; your partner loves you and all your wobbly bits and stretch marks because they are who you are and represent the life you have together. Avoid reaching for your fleecy sexless pyjamas and turn up the heating. Many people jump under the covers quickly because they are cold, so ramp up the thermostat instead to rev up your own sexual heat!
By using lubricant and a sex toy to put on a sexy show you can show your partner exactly what feels great for you, where you love being touched. Let them take control of the sex toy and play with you. They will love your response!
Invest in sexy lingerie to tantalise and titivate your partner, it will not only make you feel more sexy but may also give them a hint as to what type of lingerie you like when they are struggling to find a birthday or Christmas present. Wearing sexy underwear will make you feel sexy and if your partner knows this, they won’t be able to stop buying it for you.
Indulge in role play, creating sexy scenarios you can enjoy together.
Once a very big societal taboo, the ever-increasing prominence of the internet has allowed for sexual fetishes and fantasies to permeate the mainstream. Some people may feel embarrassed or uncomfortable discussing their desires with a partner through fear of rejection or ridicule, though fetishes are actually more common than once thought. Being brave, you may discover that you both share the same fantasy or fetishes.
Many vulva and vagina owners, young or old, suffer from vaginal dryness at some time during their life but are too embarrassed to discuss the problem or seek help. Yet whenever you mention lubricant, people think of the menopausal people.
However, most experience problems with vaginal lubrications as levels of vaginal secretions differ between individuals and can be affected by stress, anxiety, hormonal changes due to contraception or pregnancy and medical interventions. Natural and artificial lubricants can help to increase wetness, which in turn, improve sexual pleasure and satisfaction. This view is shared by all people.
Research by Jozkowski et al (2013) found that, overall, vulva owners felt positive about lubricant, preferring sex to feel more wet than not, reporting that sex felt more comfortable and pleasurable using lubrication than without it.
They found that 9 out of 10 people felt that sex was more comfortable, pleasurable and simply better when using lubrication. 90% also stated that they disagreed that “young women don’t really need lubes” or that “something is wrong with a woman if she needs a lube”.
Most people are happy using sexual lubricant because it means sex will feel comfortable and pleasurable for their partner, which in turn, will hopefully lead to having more sex and better sex!
Many people do not realise that many commercially available sexual lubricants and even some available on prescription can cause thrush so it is important to choose a pH balanced sexual lubricant free from glycerin,. glycols and parabens such as YES organic lubricants. Avoid storecupboard/bathroom cabinet products as these can damage your vaginal health and sexual pleasure.
Put lubricant on as part of your foreplay to get things going, nothing worse than having your dry vagina/vulva fingering or rubbed or your penis masturbated and enarly pulling the skin off. Using lubricant makes sex feel so much more pleasurable and last longer too.
Have the courage to tell and show your partner what you like and what you don’t like.Most partners welcome some guidance on what they should be doing and if they are doing it right, the sounds emanating from your throat will indicate if they are hitting the correct spot! Having their own personal sex show from the person they love will really turn them on.
Research by Kinsey (2014) found that gay women orgasmed more often than their straight friends so perhaps women can take a lesson from our female friends in same sex or bi sexual relationships to help us enjoy more orgasms!
Some partners can feel threatened by a vibrator but by showing them what a small clitoral vibrator can do for you and how it can arouse you so that sexual intercourse is more amazing, they will change his mind. Get your partner to use their hands, mouth or vibrator on you and tell them how good it feels.
Invest in sex toys you can share together such as vibrating constriction rings, anal sex toys nipple clamps and suckers Many sex toys can be used for clitoral and vaginal stimulation in addition to along the shaft of the penis and aroudn the head, under the perimeum and on niopples too. Many anal toys are great to use during vaginal penetration or if you don’t want to insert them fully, just play them around the anus where there are so many sensitive nerve endings. Always pop a condom on your toy if sharing and never swap between anus and vagina. Always stick with anal toys for anal play and other sex toys for vagina.vulval play.
Glass and metal sex toys are perfect for temperature play. If you want to turn up the heat, you can leave your glass/metal toy in a bowl of warm water, or you could even take it in the bath with you for a truly indulgent afternoon! To cool things down, you could place your glass/metal toy in the fridge, as long as it is done so hygienically, or alternatively use a bowl of cold water.
What’s also great about glass/metal toys is that they are compatible with all types of lubricant so you can use your lube of choice without damaging the surface of the product. This is great if you love silicone based lubricant, which is not compatible with silicone sex toys for that reason.
Get naked together. Enjoy a hot steamy bath with plenty of bubbles. Soap each other in intimate ways to turn the heat up. Use a bath oil to lube up their penis or clitoris or let them gently massage your breasts.
Tease them with feather-like fingertip touching or use some light bondage, ask your partner where they like being touched. If you prefer a light touch, say so, if you want to be touched firmly, let your partner know and vice versa, ask them “does this feel OK?”
Use lubricants on your partner, this makes masturbation feels so much better and can help you enjoy longer sexual intercourse too.
Change positions frequently, experiment to find one that really turns you both on. This is not only arousing but can lighten the mood by being funny too. Find that special position that is just right for both of you – you may be surprised at how different and better sex can feel in this position. Variety is the spice of life and it is good to mix things up.
Try sensory deprived sex, being blindfolded can highten your senses. Of the five senses, sight is the sense that turns on some people, whereas others enjoy the sense of touch. Some often become aroused by the sight of something erotic or sexually pleasing such as sexy lingerie or images but are turned on by sensual touch. Other people often get aroused by what they feel such as cuddling, massage and silky underwear.
Blindfolds are a safe, non-threatening way to expand your erotic horizons but can increase your sexual pleasure.
Rather than lying back and letting them do all the work, take control and dominate them you might like it and I’m sure your partner will love it. The more active you are by touching them, feeling them and changing position, the more intimate the experience will be and you will enjoy it more.
Take 15 minutes to totally dominate them, it will make you feel so powerful and it is a great turn on. Many people are too passive when it comes to sex and let their partner make all the moves. By taking the lead, we see what effect we have on our partner and how we can reduce them to a quivering jumble begging for release. Tell them what you are going to do, where and how and ask them if he has any specific requests they have always fantasised about (they need to be realistic with their requests!)
Concentrate on how how their body responds, what they really enjoys you doing to him and the effect you have on them. Kiss them all over. Watch how they really love what you are doing you and take time to feel the power that their desire for you has on your sexual arousal.
Most of all, enjoy yourself and have lots of fun!